CHRISTMAS BLUES

 

We all know this years not been great in many ways. However i was looking forward to some 'family' time over the next 5 days. But that like our governments rules changes constantly. 

Collecting isolated elderly Mother whose spent the entire year hold up in her bungalow alone, depending on 2 neighbours for almost everything, i thought she'd & l would get to spend time with family members over 3 days of socialising.  She doesnt want to be alone Christmas day, but doesnt want to mix with alot of people. There is a risk from covid, there is a risk if she were left at home alone, her once fiercely independence stubborn side which has all but gone would get the better of her. She doesnt want to not see any of us until April, fears this is too long  in what has already been an epic time.  

However its now been decided but not set in concrete that she shouldnt see some family members instead spending only 1 day with family the rest hold up with me in my flat. But surely if others visit the family she's adviced not to see, then they come back to collect her to go home they're still putting her at risk of covid if nothing else. 

Im confused, im becoming cheesed off because what was once something to look forward too is fast becoming a situation where im wondering why we're even bothering at all, with all the expense & time generated to make things happen to be sat at home which i do every weekend anyway. 

How can 1 day create such angst. The organising, the planning, the expense, the stress, I'm already in the mindset of why have l bloody bothered, spending time & money  for what..??  Im deemed selfish for how its making me feel, but dont think my feelings come into it this year. Its all about whether Mother would survive another year so making it the a good one for her and i do get thqt. However if she's not going to get more than Christmas day out of it is it at all worth it?  It wont have given her the memories & joy she should get. 

Across the country this year the same scenario will be played out with people being 'banned' from seeing their flesh & blood because the powers that be have decided its not safe to do so. But surely a few hours with flesh & blood could create memories & joy which could last for months, providing a sense of worth living for momentum.  The alternative stay alone imprisoned, see no one, speak to no one, go no where & have a happy christmas, have a normal pointless day existing. Not living. 

Mentally that is scenario which is & will be so damaging to many ,many people. Not just elderly vulnerable people but to anyone living/ existing alone.  

I really dont know now what to expect, say or do for the best not just for me but for Mother too. But Mother is being thought about- her needs & feelings are being considered. Where as l will be seen as throwing my toys out the pram, when in my heart & head lm breaking & struggling.  That always present fear of losing out is very strong, being left behind. Makes me defensive, angry even, tearful. 

Pre-Christmas blues.

INSIGNIFICANT

 

End of term, isolation , readjustment which is always difficult. Takes a few days to unwind & get out of that work routine. No more early morning treks in pitch darkness with anxiety through the roof. Every morning stomping in the dark with ERIN chatting to me "you can do this, one more day". ERIN  my little mini me in my head who talks sense.

Term time 6 day weeks..mornings actually l finish just after lunch. There is very little conversation in work because lm the only female in my dept. because my colleagues are usually off teaching, the 'other one' is quite narcisistic. Then l come home to my safe haven where l live alone, conversations with the cats arent the same as a good old natter. My weekly visit to a daughters is always fruitful, chat, time with her & grandboys, a weekly catch up with a cousin whose always been the nearest l have to a sister, we chat facetime styly for hours, its great putting the world to rights.

I digress as always- Insignificant...for me ive always felt this, even from way back. Always at an incident, or experience or dealing with issues but from the outer perimeters, always in the back ground.  'Oh yeah, i was there, i remember' but no one had noticed me. In life now thats happening again, for me anyway. So every year at work 19 years, we've had a works xmas party, this year we were meant to be having 'bubble gatherings' but ive been told thats not happening now. I do suspect otherwise though, i suspect because lm a lone worker i dont fit into others bubbles, some 'others' i suspect have complained about having to mix their 'bubbles' so its been decided that l wont be included in any end of term year celebrations, socialising. And while i'll happily drink my gifted bottle of prosseco alone at home, i feel insignificant.  I know my dept boss appreciates me as does the other one, but the rest clearly dont give a toss.  And while l feel similiar its still hurtful- not emotional 'oh my god no one loves me' hurtful.  More like 'Cheers then!' pissed off hurtful. Which actually makes me get defensive and passive aggressive.  Do you know what l dont need them, l manage every day alone. I cope every day alone with my thoughts and feelings, with life and all it chucks at me and l have to say lve done a brilliant job mostly. Ive come through a mountain of 'stuff' which some would never believe, i pushed myself across boundaries, mental & physical ones, ive visited places, experienced allsorts of great stuff.  

However, i do still consider others- like l do at work, l consider how someone elses actions will impact on colleagues lve known for years. Yet im told i shouldnt be covering for them i shouldnt let others short comings effect me. If they want to be rude, inconsiderate humans that is not my problem and l shouldnt let it effect me and how l feel. But l have a conscience, i like being nice and considerate. I do get mugged off sometimes- alot actually. So should l change who l am, should l go in do my bit & totally ignore others short comings?? I dont think l can- i cant in all honesty turn a blind eye and say or do nothing.  Because if those who become impacted find out l knew all along they're going to think lm as bad as the perparator arent they?  Again am l over thinking it...i dont know.   Should l become insignificant and blend into the background quietly observing 'stuff', say and do nothing. 

As always l come on here, rant/ write and chat when im home alone for long periods of time, with only ERIN chatting to me. Its not even ranting, more waffling on about stuff that is probably insignificant to everyone else.

Its nigh on Christmas time, 2.5 weeks of no work, of time with family, of some family insults & controlling by others in my home, in my safe haven. Because letting it happen is easier than arguing & saying something to defend myself,  being insignificant, being weak? ...No l'm not weak, a mug maybe but not weak. 

Insignificant - the definition:- small, unimportant, meaningless.  Mmmm??? Im 5ft 2in so small, unimportant...yes to some. Meaningless....yes to some.  Others....are they unimportant to me....some are yes, are they meaningless to me...some are yes.

Does any of it matter?? Or is it INSIGINIFICANT.!!

Life Began

 

Thirty Eight years ago today, l gave birth to my first child, a little girl.  I had a quick labour & a tiny little bundle. I remember looking down at her during my time alone with her on the ward thinking 'i'm have to different now, life will be different now, l'm responsible for keeping my precious little bundle safe for life'.  

I dressed her in pretty frilly clothes & my role as a mum began. It wasnt easy no parenting role every is. There are no books to tell you how you will feel, about the sleep deprivation- l lie there are books about that. But they dont tell you how to cope/ deal with the lack of sleep, the whole massive changes that occur. 

I t has always amazed me how first babies survive, because its trial & error. You read when you have time books & pamphlets, you listen to advise from other mums, other women, But they do survive & so do you. ...I survived l went on to have another 3 babies.

   And now 38 years later l am alone re-thinking, remermniscing. I can recall every last detail, the journey to the hospital, my then husbands words, the sterile yet stark military maternity hospital- old cold, stone building. I remember being asked my name & address, date of birth whilst contracting- why do they do that?? I remember thinking why dont you ask my husband i'm in pain, l;m shaking with nervous. I'm thinking this is it this is the time ive been waiting for. I remember being seated in a wheel chair, taken to a side room to prepare for the imminent arrival- the enaema, the shaving of the nether regions, having a bath with only 2- 3in of water, of throwing up into a cardboard bowl, whilst sitting in the bath!!! I remember, laying flat on my back, of pushing so hard l thought my neck would burst. Of pushing, pushing, being cut- being told to 'STOP- your baby has its cord around its neck, which was swiftly removed, then the surprise of being told l/ we had a daughter ...( you didnt find out back then what you were having).  I remember being taken to a ward with other new Mums & babies, it was the early hours, l was so tired, the plastic crib, on wheels was placed next to me- fully stocked with every thing l needed. Then l was left. I probably did sleep, my head was probably shot to pieces, buzzing, with a mixture of thoughts. 

I remember the hands on lessons from the nurses- helping me  to bath my pink bundle, helping me to feed her- breastfed....for 2 wks anyway.  I remember hobbling gingerly into the breakfast room of the cooked breakfast- miniscule portion- 1 slice of bacon, 1 sausage, tiny portion of beans...just incase l was sick- aftermath of gas & air & pethidine. I remember having my taste buds return actually tasting the flavours for the food. I remember feeling secure in the hospital- l was there for a week - which was standard back then.  Then when we were allowed home having to start again- establish a new routine alone with no safety net of nurses. 

We had visitors which was overwhelming- l remember feeling relieved when my husband went back to work- Yes l was nervous, unsure, had no clue how to do 'everything'. I was in a second floor flat, without a lift. I did get a bout of post natal depression which manifested over the Christmas period & was picked up 4 months after my baby had arrived. 

Thirty Eight years on l have 4 adult children & 7 grandchildren- yet it feels like yesterday, so much has happened, i've experienced untold amounts of trials, tribulations, tears, tantrums, abuse, lots of highs. I've experienced Life in all its glory.

I never thought it would be like this 38 years ago. I dont think any of us think about how life will be this far ahead, back when we're about to bring new life into the world. I knew l always wanted 4 children, l knew l wanted to be a stay at home Mum, not a career mum. My career was my children. I didnt think back then i'd get divorced & become a lone parent with 2 children, move away from family & friends to start again alone. But l did. Like the song goes ' what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'. I grew stronger on my own. I had no choice. It wasnt easy, l cried copious amounts of tears. I was scared. But l did it. 

Four years later l think it was l'd met no. 2, my soul mate - (huh)!!! we had my third baby & we moved a while after. We were happy, we had a lovely little house & sealed our little family unit with no. 4 baby- i knew what l was doing by then. I could run a home & raise 4 children. I didnt plan on doing all of it alone- but the soul mate turned into my worst enemy overnight, the bubble burst- my bubble burst & my life- changed again- massively for all of us. The fear of having to raise 4 children alone was terrifying. But l did it. 

I even briefly found happiness & enjoyable life again. Made the biggest mistake of my life by believing a new life elsewhere would be good & upsticks & moved us again- albeit for a year. My year of absolute hell. But l did quickly regained my senses & moved back to the security & support of my friends. However- this is about the day l gave birth to my first born, my little pink bundle of joy. 

She was a teenager, she'd changed, she had been changed earlier, she had been manipulated by others, she'd been damaged & my heart just kept on being broken, l fought physically & mentally to keep her, to protect her, l'd failed.  I lost her- she didnt die- but she did leave. The apron strings were well & truly severed & l had to let her go. I was told she'd come back at various stages, at various ages, but she never has. If anything she is further away than ever, l cling on by my finger tips with hope that one day, my little baby will come back because she needs me, like she did 38 years ago. 

As today draws to a close, l hold on to the glimmer of tiny light knowing tomorrow l will see her for an hour as she visits to collect her present & card. She will hug me & tell me she loves me but she will leave & return to a life l cant bare to think about. A life l have no hold over. I keep the light going & l will one day jump back into the role of her Mum because she will one day need me again, to nurture her, to help & guide her.

 Until then ...l will always love her & always wish her a Happy Birthday. 

MENTAL HEALTH...we all have it

 Theres been a lot of posts and chat this week, yesterday in particular as it was "Mental Health Awareness Day", so l thought i'd put my spin on it.

While l've only been told officially by a doctor a couple of times that l have a mental health problem & at those times was prescribed 'happy pills' l do genuinely believe l have some 'issues' which are mental health related.

I think l have what is called 'Social Anxiety' because l find it sometimes impossible to interact with real people in the real world. I can fly alone to foreign countries but going 'out,out' locally l find hard. I've put off going to invited functions because l cant physically get out the door. I want to go, l know when im there l'll have had a good time.  But getting out the door and walking alone to the venue...nah!! Going abroad, ive paid a lot, l've planned, l've booked, my flight etc so l've made that commitment. When l get there the beauty of the surroundings makes it all worth it. I dont 'have to' interact with anyone, l can & do please myself, so there's no pressure. The first days of going all inclusive are nerve wracking - going to the restaurant alone, not knowing the routine, the 'procedure' is nerve wracking . But no one knows me so if l make a fool of myself theres no one to judge me, if they do judge ...who are they anyway....no one l know, so it doesnt matter. 

Yet here and now thats a different thing, l know people, they know me, they see me, they could & some might actually judge me. My inner voice (ERIN- her in my head) she doesnt call me names, she doesnt tell me i'm stupid, she's confident, she talks sense, she encourages me to do things l'd shy away from, she tells me "just do it, for gods sake!". She tells me to stop faffing. She's in 'control' of my mental health. 

What is mental health anyway? is it how we feel, our emotions, our senses? Our physiological response to 'bad stuff', traumas, life events?? If so then yes l have a mental health problem, l am who l am, l react the way l do because of my past- my past adult abuse- being raped, being beaten, losing babies, losing my Dad, losing friendships, being lied to, being gulible, being niave to life. Any thing can 'trigger' a reaction, a memory, 'that moment when...' a song, a smell, some one elses experience of a similar trauma can all 'trigger' my mental health reaction. 

My mental health can make me feel anxious, angry, sad, lonely, unheard, alone....different from being lonely.  It can also make me feel wise, determined, knowledgeable, revengeful even. And yes it - my mental health can drop me slowly into a black hole, that black hole of despair, of no hope, of no point, of no way back. the black hole aka as Depression.

For me, ERIN who is strong & wise talks me out of the hole.  When l was given 'happy pills' the first time l was officially told l had, had a break down & had a mental health issue, that was the time l 'felt a failure' having to have pills to control my feelings, to stop the spiral into the black hole, into the abyss of no going back. I even laughed at myself for having failed to 'sort myself out', for not recognising that i'd had a 'mental wobble'. Even when l returned to work & told colleagues l'd had a breakdown l was told 'oh it wasnt a proper breakdown'!!! What??!!  What is a breakdown, a mental wobble to one person can manifest itself in so many ways in others- addiction to drink, drugs, cleaning, eating, self harming, crying, isolation, suicide.....ALL of these are cries for help, cries for a little more love, a little more attention. 

Who are we to judge anyone, how they feel & react to life, to their traumas. In todays society we tend to stick labels on everyone and everything. So l can be labeled as a survivor of Domestic Violence, i'm a victim of abuse of rape & sexual assault, ive been mentally controlled, l've got PTSD, l've got Social Anxiety. Ive got mental health issues.

But .....I am still me......

STALE MATE

 So ive been back at work over a month now, had a pay rise surprisingly, considering the current world pandemic situation we are still living through and with. Ive gotten used to the new routine & timetables. Means im busier which is a good thing in a lot of ways. And life in general is OK or is it???

It seems l had a happier more fulfilled time / life during lockdown than i have now that im back in the real world working for a living. I certainly had a better social life albeit virtually. I had a physcially productive schedule. But now l have the gruelling work routine up at 6.30am with the alarm a regular food & walk routine of getting to work in all weathers. Back to experiencing nature, hearing the birds, seeing the squirrels scurrying about. I have the new busier work routine...but there is little to no interaction with friendly chatty people.  The friendship group activities have had to end due to new restrictions...mixing with strangers in pub set ups is not an ideal situation at the moment nor for the foreseeable future either.  So l go to work, l eat alone in a back room my packed lunch, then l come home to be alone. Weekly visits to see a daughter & grandchildren lately has been hard due to others being there, so the chat doesnt flow, the connection is lost at the moment. 

I miss chat more than anything. I get a 2 hour natter with my lovely cousin who has sadly been made redundant, like my eldest daughter too. So whilst l am totally lucky & grateful to still be in secure employment which is now paying extra my mind is missing stimulation. Im missing connectivity to real people, l have become alone & silent once more. My life has at the moment no real purpose, doesnt mean l dont want life but l want the freedom had 7- 8 months ago to go freely to the cinema alone, travel alone without having to wear the god awful mask, without having to mistrust every fellow human being l come in contact with. Not that l am in contact with any other humans, other that work collegues.  The odd polite conversations happen, brief interaction with some one who clearly doesnt want to listen nor talk to me about anything really. 

The whole point of this blog is so l can vent my frustations, my feelings & thoughts out of my head in the hope that some one may take an interest in me. Ive been watching alot of  'Life Below Zero' a tv series by the National Geographic which documents the lives of people who live in Alaska the top of the frozen world. And quite a few of them do it alone surviving, sorry living theirs lives quite happily in a subsistence way of life - they hunt their food otherwise they dont eat simple as. One lady Sue Aitkin is my age she lives alone has no interacton with others for 290 days of the year, having to rely on herself & how she does things, she runs the isolated camp in the middle of no where, she copes with moutains of snow, horrendous snow storms, dangerous predatory animals who have in the past actually attacked her left her for dead...( she was found 10 days after a bear attack)!!! Wtf.... She has so much courage & resilence yet all l have to do is live a normal life where l actually see people, even if they dont want to talk to me or listen to me. Sue is extremely happy with her way of life with no one. The other guys that feature in the programmes who live there alone are also more than happy to be out in the middle of no where with nothing & no one about. Their dangers are themselves & the wildlife - namely bears. If they dont go out & hunt they dont eat.  I wish l had their mindsets not to hunt obviously but to be able to be totally ok about not interacting with people. 

Thats very probably why l liked lockdown because l 'wasnt allowed' to interact other than facetime or social media contact. My virtual friendship circle was amazing, we laughed, we cried we supported each other, we interacted virtually we made each other happy.  I no have that connection, l dont have the time nor energy to get it back like it was....it would all be on catch up ...i dont want to catch up, l want live interaction in the moment chat. Of course we're approaching that time of year where we all naturally retreat to the warmth & cosiness of our homes as Autumn colourfully draws our year to a close. Where we as a species hibernate. That gradual shut down doesnt help the mental state, gloomy days & nights, dark days & nights where the only sunlight occurs when lm in work. 

We approach another possible lockdown...which bizarrely quite excites me. I could actually still go to work - as its being claimed it may happen over half term- which typically would see me work for 3 days then have a week & a half off. So l could so the lockdown routine for that time off....l can push myself back into working out with weights, jogging on the spot to get my steps in, dance steps...l loved all that .

See writing stuff on here is great, ive talked to no one inparticular but 'her in my head who talks sense' aka ERIN has just said all that about what l can do in half term lockdown & already l feel better, because l have a focus, something to look forward to in just over 2 weeks time. Thats a plan, a positive. l feel exhilarated now.  Its nearly the weekend so l can spend the time that l have off after working Saturday for an hour!!! yes a whole hour!!  putting the plans in order to go. And it has to be said since ive missed 2 wks- 3 weeks worth of FBW my bones/ joints are hurting again.....however the scales have gone down...not alot but they do move now. 

Its late, l need to go to bed, by phones shut itself off ready for bed, the cats are already on the bed, l still have 2.5 days of early mornings to do in stormy conditions, l have Nannie duty on Friday. I need to log in my planner all this 'stuff' that l have to look forward to, re-ignite me. Cos life in stalemate is shit. 

VENTURING OUT....

 I bit the bullet  yesterday & broke my social hiatus.

Something thats been on hold for about 7 years following an unsavoury incident, in a town pub which totally floored me. I stopped drinking....not a bad thing. But i was no longer able to go 'out,out'.  Ive had many invites from work colleagues to 'in town' events but lose my nerve, become paralysed by fear of reoccurrence. I always need to feel 'safe'. This follows on from the 'incident' also abusive relationships. Whilst physical scares heal & fade mental ones do not. They may fade temporarily into the abyss of your mind but any slight reminder, a song, a place, a smell, raised voices & BAM!! you're right back there.

During 'lockdown' i like many others im sure had time to reflect, time to learn about ourselves. l like my own company, l love my family, my 4 adult 'children', my gorgeous 7 grandchildren, but l want more. Im lucky to have a stable secure job which l enjoy...most of the time!! I have a few years to go before l can retire and have the freedom lockdown afforded me. So l bit the bullett & joined a local friendship group, which a lovely guy, new to the town created, because he moved here just as lockdown kicked in, so was unable to go out & mingle. He bravely reached out to the 'locals' & was overwhelmed by offers of friendship, local knowledge etc. He's since realised that 'our town' is full of like minded lonely, lost people.  Some are born & bred here, some like many & me are 'outsiders' who have moved here, been established for many years but have outgrown, moved on from our own friendship circles.  Life has gotten in the way of socialising with those we already know & love. Whilst we will never lose the bond we have with those close to us we none the less fail to see & connect with them like we used to. Dont get me wrong l have a handful of amazing friends whom l love dearly, if we bumped into each other in the street we would instantly pic up from where we left off, we know each other that well.  But l want more, l want new, l want future, l want to rekindle my life. 

I hit the big 60 next year & whilst l like my solo life l dont want to spend the last years/ decades of my life alone. l want a preferably a male best friend, companion, partner, mate.  Some one to go for meals with, go for treks in the hills with...some one who drives to get us to the hills in the first place ...lol.  Some one who will walk with me along quiet beaches. A great like minded female friend would be cool too...some one l can natter to, craft with, knit & natter, stitch & bitch with. Its not about sex or 'making lurve'!! that if it were to happen is a bonus...(with the guys not the girls!!)

So l plucked up the courage & agreed to go to the LLaN group meeting at a local golf club, l committed to going by arranging to meet a couple of other ladies so we could all walk in together, that way l couldnt talk myself out of it. I had to go because they couldnt contact me so wouldve wondered where l was.  And 60-70 people also turned up, all ages, mostly women, all in the same boat, all living in the varying parts of town but feeling 'Lost, lonely or New'. We all went as strangers & made a handful of new friends each. Because of current restrictions about interacting in masses we did have to stick to small 4-5 people tables which is a shame. But means 'next big meet' we can move around & meet yet more 'new' friends. It was relaxed, enjoyable, lovely venue, great host in the guy who made it happen...that guy who moved here 5 months ago & knew no one, now knows & is the reason over 700 people now belong to the group...Wow...how amazing is that. 

I was very aware that l chatted alot...(sorry), its what l do when l actually get some one to actually talk to, l talk incessantly.  However l obviously didnt scare people off as a couple of ladies from this big meet & l will meet up again this evening with yet more newbies in a closer pub. There could be 7 of us which is lovely, as small is not intimidating. We all live with in walking distance of the venue which we could all go to anytime...but not alone...not at the moment anyway. For me it is about meeting new people but its also about checking out this established venue, which now has new owners/ landlords, if l like it & feel comfortable l would go there alone again. And thats what l want to be able to do. I dont want to go & be 'hit' on by sleazy males, l want to be able to go out locally, safely & have a meal or a drink on my own without feeling like an oddity or a 'loner'. Having company is good but if it doesnt happen thats ok too. ...the likelihood that it wont happen is slim at this stage now. I think this venue could be good to go to for a coffee & natter...l hope so. 

How did all this happen???   Well my gorgeous well established 'virtual friends' from 'my' fitness group have encouraged & supported me. They've helped me believe in me, have faith in me. Taught me to listen to 'ERIN'...her in my head who talks sense. 

So, watch this space...nothing ventured, nothing gained right? .......

. 

NOT FEELING IT.....

 

• Its been 7 days since i returned, but today im just not feeling it. 

Dont know if its a 'pmpmt' low, if its weather related or just bleurgh low, where everythings become reality & the adjustment to mind, body & soul is in full swing. From 5 months of do what i want when i want structured routine, to paid do what l have to structured routine. And yes l do seriously like boring routine, but think my body & mind is going to take alittle longer to catch up.  

I did my FBW yesterday, after some heavy grafting, wanted it done & out the way as soon as l got in, then tried to relax with a bath afterwards. But relaxation is also something which is taking a hit. Woke aching & very stiff this morning & just feeling 'meh'!! I'm working alone this week which is fine, as l just crack on, radio on & just get on with the task in hand. 

Another adjustment is my food timetable which l think could also be contributing to todays low- is my low, tiredness & lack of energy due to grafting again, low protein & carbs in take. My calories are the same but the output is now higher. So many adjustments being made right now. Am guessing by the time term starts properly mind, body & soul will know what its doing again. Having said that the restoration period will have ended so another timetabled routine will be commencing- thats if the timetable has been sorted out properly....this usually takes until October- 6 weeks to kick in properly. Then it will be half term & time off mode again...& so begins the school annual regime, familiarity.  Of course since lockdown the 'New norm' will be place - wonder how different the regime will be??!

My 'new' way of thinking is beginning to emerge too. Due to all my brood being in established happy family units of their own, my role/ job as Mum has changed. Abit like my role/ job as 'just a cleaner'  a Mums role is never over- nor should it be, its a lifetime role, it does become less nurturing and productive, more side line observation. With a sub role of Nannie taking its place.  My role at work is not that of 'just a cleaner' but an assistant- jack of all trades. My role of Mum is reverting back to role of 'Me'- planning my future, wanting to make new friends with new life interests, looking for people a person to share 'stuff' with. Is it a new role or more a new chapter in my life.  

Five months of alone lock up has changed me, certainly mentally.  Think l became selfish or as l learned from a wise advicer 'Not selfish- self First'. Think we all have to eventually become 'self first' to survive life. Is it a bad thing? no, l dont think so. Its what makes us happy...hopefully. 

So from feeling 'meh' and low i'm now a deep thinker looking forward to what lies ahead , l dont know what that is.  Nor do l fear it, which is unusual  for me, as l 'normally' have a fear of the unknown. But i dont know what there is to fear. I do know i want things to change, not change drastically, but improve should l say- i want more in my life. I have 4 great adult children, 7 gorgeous grandchildren- i know im greedy & very lucky. I have a long standing job with a few more years to do before i get to experience the freedoms of the last 5 months, albeit differently by then. But l never intended to be alone for the rest of my life, so now that the opportunity to make new friends has presented itself ,  l need to grab it & make it fit my current existence. And find a structured timetable that allows for these new extras. 

So my low becomes a high....not a mega one but a comfortable sustainable one. 

   

•  

RESTORATION

 What a week its been for mind body & soul.  

Finally the return to work happened, the predicted return meeting also happened. The nerves & anxiety were unsurprisingly ok...course they were!! Why do we wind ourselves up??

Day 1 was spent analysing my the task ahead to restore a department after 5 months of neglect, challenge on. Whilst l may be 'just a cleaner/ assistant' i do like the challenge of restoring organised order.  Days 2, 3 & 4 were spent grafting little bits at a time. Little areas at a time, chipping away the neglect back to former glory- cleanliness.  A workshop environment is never going to be pristine but can still be deemed relatively dust free....albeit until term starts & the hustle & bustle of creativity resumes in abundance.

Of course the symbolic gesture of cleaning is psychologically seen as taking back control & thats what ive been doing- i have 3/4 weeks to replant my stamp on what i class as ' my baby', ive been there so long, so have become protective & proud of the departments look. Ive often had parents compliment me on how clean the workshop is, it takes some doing to keep up appearances, i hasten to add. 

Mentally, this week ive gone from anxious, nervous, to very content, confident even. The weather kind of played ball in that it was sunny which is always a bonus. The walks into & from work early morning are fresh & lovely, peaceful. At one with nature, hearing the early birds, seeing squirrels scurring around. Listening to rustling trees. 

The weather was a major talking point as Wednesday temperature went through the roof into space- In my living room at 3pm it was a blistering 31c. My poor cats did not know what to do with themselves. Even for me walking home at 1pm to the local shop, the air hit me as i left with shopping, very like stepping off of a plane in Crete. Overwhelming, airless, made for uncomfortable struggle. Getting home wasnt much better, other than being able to undress to vest & shorts, fling doors, window open & blast fan on. I & the rest of the country must have sweated gallons.  So much so its now Saturday & hasnt stopped raining......all that moisture evaporated to be transformed into copious amount of rain water now. 

Im proud to add that i kept up with my FBW despite the heat. l also conquered a lone walk up an isolated country lane through a field with cows & frisky bull. Something ive wanted to do for ages but anxiety always prevents such jaunts. But i did it. The walk from one turnstyle to the other seems like a never ending swim, you can see the end but it takes for ever to reach...but I did it. Was so chuffed with myself & its such a lovely walk...was cool under the tree canopy that runs alongside the golf course & stream. 

I did wake this morning after another restless warm sleep feeling alittle like l'd been hit with a truck, but once the WD40 within my joints kicks in i cracked on with restoring my flat to its former glory having been left over the week to concentrate on work. My head at the beginning had been full of plans on how l was going to achieve & conquer my quest. Todays conqering was just normal housework which in a 1 bed flat takes no time at all, the result is a fragrant abode ready for me to totally relax in tomorrow- Sunday officially a day of rest!!! Ready to recommence the Dept restoration challenge on Monday. 

As much as ive kind of enjoyed being 'locked up' for 5 months without work - my pre-reitrement trial. I do love a routine, getting up at a set time, set clothes, boring routine some may say, but it organised structure for me & lm good with that. It makes for a calm existence, i know what im doing when, i know how much time i'll have to do what i want after ive done what i get paid to do. Or course going in early helps as im then free for most of the afternoons- so its all a good balance. Admittedly this week i did come home & just sit & do nothing most days - (usual boring stuff wash up make tea) doesnt count as activity in my book. 

Despite the lack of physical company & actual conversations with real face to face people, i have kept very calm & happy- tired due to being too hot to sleep. But the 5 months isolated 'lock up time' allowed me to become accustomed to my own company & lack of actual contact. And i've been surprisingly really ok with it. What was many years ago a huge fear i had of being ' alone', i actually relish it. 

So being restored to the 'new norm' of having to stay in 'work bubbles' ie in our own depts. is suiting the 'new me'.  Whilst i may be restoring work back to where it came from im an not restoring me backwards- i am firmly going forwards with the contented, calm, confident me. 

THE RETURN - part 3...day before!!!

 So l've been doing trial runs, getting up with alarm early then leaving for a quick walk around the block when im due to walk to work.

For those who have "had the call" l highly recommend doing a trial run, to get your mind & body prepped to go back. Whilst im nervous , anxious even,we have thunderstorms imminent over the next 4 days- of course we do!!  which l dont want to be out walking in. Hate them at the best of times, they are however taking my mind off going back to work. Am more worried about them than going back.

From what l gather there wont be many of us back - 3 weeks before pupils are due back, however colleague i work with is going to come in for a catch up. Will take the 4 predicted stormy days to get back into the swing of things. 

 Such alot to think about going back after 5 months, have l said this already- l dont know cant remember. What clothes to wear, what shoes to wear. Having a kind of work uniform makes that easier & the imminent wet storms will also sort out the shoes/ coat dilemna too.  But when you've been in comfy trainers, flip flops for 5 months, havent been out -out in rough weather it does take some thinking about.  Even the prepping of these things is nerve wracking & not doing my anxiety any good at all.

I know l wont be the only person to go through this & lm guessing by the end of the first 4 days in things will "feel normal" again very quickly. I really do not want to go back to old habits & routines if possible. Ive changed, everythings changed, so going backwards isnt an option really.

The positives, cos everyone says you have to look for those little beauties dont they. Well, obviously back to full pay - always a major thing to be positive about, the great location of where i work- the surroundings are fabulous, nature inspired, green playing fields, hills in the distance, the walk to & from work- good for mind & body, the routine/ structure of the day, weeks & months- termly is always a good thing. As you have a purpose & goal- 6 week slots. Small stints like that are great as seem more do-able. The changing seasons i'll finally get to experience this year- Autumn is always a favorite mix of sun & cold, with the most glorious colours- my favorites always.

I did some prep work earlier this morning, but just doing that, trivial little things made my anxiety hit the roof, i was faffing. My stomach had a swarm of butterflies, my heart was racing!! Ffs...its ridiculous im in the safety of my home still, this wont be happening until the morning. "Her in my head" who talks sense is telling me to stop being stupid, calm the f... down!!  I feel light headed. STOP....go get some lunch, sit for 5 mins, keep calm. Write on here get it out there, out ya system. Then spend the afternoon colouring. Ive a facetime natter due with my cousin which is always a good 2 hour chart session so that'll sort me out.  Ive just seen a 'virtual friends' anxiety busting achievement which is just amazing so proud of her. Yet im flapping about going somewhere i know, with people ive known for years. 

Get a grip....im not going to the bloody moon....im returning to work, where they pay me to do stuff, ive been there nigh on 19 yrs....Get a grip, get it done, it will all be ok in the end.......And tomorrow when l get home i'll feel great, because it wont have been as bad as l think its going to be, then "her in my head" will say 'See, told you not to be so stupid'. 

Anxiety....do one!!!

THE RETURN ...part 2

So following on from yesterdays call, ive had time to digest the thought of returning to working life. 

And have to say its quite overwhelming, in the 5 months ive been off, ive changed, my life has changed, the whole world has changed.  There is so much to think about to prepare for 6 days times.

Reset my clock, the alarm, reset my eating food routine- mealtimes have changed, what i eat has changed.  My activity.  No more following live full body workout timetable, will have to fit it in after work in the afternoons/ evenings. 

Need to check work clothes, go back to wearing proper shoes/ footwear, no more jamma days, no more slippers/ flip flops & shorts. Will my work clothes still fit, do l want to wear the same drab set of clothes again. ?!! Wearing a coat again. 

Since lockdown i got in the habit-  its a weird one i know, but i refused to wear black underwear & black socks. I put those away & began wearing white & colours & only homemade knitted socks.  I stopped wearing make up, i stopped using deodorant- skanky i know, but i wasnt in contact with other people so didnt 'need' to do these things. There is a difference between 'having to ' do/ wear something and 'needing / wanting to'. And i chose not to. I gave my body, mind & skin a breather from chemicals.  

Ive had to think alot today about what ' i will need' to do in order to return to the work place. I will make lists & start the 'new work routine/ timetable' tomorrow giving myself mentally & physically time to adjust. Getting woken by an alarm not the daylight & neighbours. Get up, get washed, pee, daily weigh in, get dressed, hair, make up, make bed. Make breakfast, feed cats, make packed lunch, pack work bag, leave house an hour after waking in order to walk casually - calmly into the work place in order to start my 'routine' on time. Fortunately the pupils & term time doesnt start for another 4 weeks but still there will im sure be meetings, new things to think about. New regimes. New products.

 Old things to clear up from being left stagnant for 5 months, 5 months of now dead bugs who've being partying in my absence!!  New people may be. 

Experiencing the seasons again, 5 months worth have been missed & only witnessed through glass. When all this began is was the start of Spring & the world was emerging from the dark Winter months, the trees were naked, now they're in full bloom, heavily laden with leaves which as i return into the world of work will slowly begin to start shredding & dropping, changing into the glorious Autumnal colours. 

I hope that what normally happens within a week of being back at work that the old complacencies, dont just fall back into place. Im different, the world is different- i need to stay fresh & new & aware of the differences. I want fresh new ways - if l have to go back to this working life. i want to feel excited & encouraged to be back, i want to want to be there- not counting down the years to when i can stop doing it & stop that routine again. 

Ive liked this pre-retirement lockdown period, ive learned alot about myself, ive adjusted & coped/ dealt with the trials its thrown at me- 3 deaths, living alone with no physcial contact no physcial conversations, made a lot of virtual friends whom i now treasure as 'actual' friends. They were / are safe people. Life was/ is safe when you're in a locked up environment on your own.  Like being a prisoner really but you do have choices & some freedoms!! 

Am sure my brain will stay in overdrive until next week & D-day.  Trial runs will commence tomorrow to get me in the right mindset. .....

D-DAY ...THE RETURN

So its finally happened, i recieved the call from work to say i am to return in 7 days time.

Wow,...initial reaction- blind panic, tears, hearts pounding- Oh shit!! 

Its good to know i still have a job with good pay, good time off, somewhere i've been for 19 years.  Yet ive been off for 5 months so much in life has changed, throughout the world not just for me.  But this is me dealing/ coping with stuff so this piece is all about me & my feelings, thoughts, reactions.

A few hours after the call im still feeling very nervous/ anxious, hearts still racing, i feel physically & emotionally sick.  It doesnt help that i had a rough night with 2 year old grandson, so sleep deprivation is probably making things feel worse than they are and will be.

On the plus side i'll be back to full money, be with people, how will those people be, will they feel like l do?  How will the actual work have changed & will be like from September & the new school year.  Which feels really odd as when i left we had just left behind Winter & now as l return we begin to re- enter that time of year. In the blink of an eye how things have changed. I've/ we've lost half a year whih hasnt been experienced.  Where i work i get to experience the seasons & year changes through nature, but this year that hasnt happened.  It feels like i've been in a coma where life happened behind me.

I have 7 days now to prepare my mind, my clothes, my life to fit back around the world of work. Having had no contact with any of my colleagues has been very odd & lonely, time. Everyone deals/ copes with situations in their own way. Going back where life hasnt stopped completely will be very strange.

My head is just confused  about the whole thing. I guess next week will see some more changes- no longer will l be seeing my family on a daily basis like "we did before" the world stopped, l will begin a new way of work a new way of life, a new routine, a new way of being.

For now l need to enjoy whats left of my non working life & routines- because l do not know when l will experience this type of life again.......

DELLUSIONAL

So the fat loss plan im on says we're to weigh ourselves daily then take the 7 day average as our weight.  Everything on the plan is over a 7 day average- the amount of given calories consumed, the amount of daily steps, workouts, litres of water, Fibre foods allowance, protein food allowance.  

I was doing really well before Christmas 2019 i wasnt doing regular FBW (full body workouts) but was hitting steps, water, i was working getting free lunches which meant being unable to weigh & track my food intake accurately.  Christmas happened i didnt go over board- how can you when you have a 92 year old staying with you who eats lots of sweet things, questions any alcohol consumption, even dictates when you go to sleep in your own home at 59 yrs old!!! 

Straight after Christmas/ New Year when work life normality resumed i was back to tracking food like a trooper, where possible guesstimating my lunches, making good food choices. Steps were back up, FBW didnt happen to be honest. And the scales were ok acceptable the 4lb whatever it was i'd gained over Christmas didnt just "drop off". But i maintained and the inches remained off even if the pounds didnt!!

Then lockdown happened!!!

I focused strictly on keeping physically active in order to keep my mind sane & body from losing its shit!!   Up at 5.30am regularly 7 days a week to jog on the spot, 3 x FBW a week regularly lifting weights, pushing myself physically, then i discovered "dance steps"- jogging / dancing to get my steps in , to the point of increasing my daily step count to 15000.  

The scales were inching up but am told faithfully unless ive eaten 3500 extra calories this would be muscle gain not fat.  However, as much as l physically pushed myself & my mind was the majority of the time up there feeling positive, with my new "virtual social life" who are very supportive & encouraging to all who participate. I still had the odd old "slimming club" mentality towards some foods but in the main ive got this fat loss plan down to a tee.  However, my body & im nigh on 10-15 years older than the "girls" in the gang, became sore, bones/ joints seriously hurt when i turn over in bed, when i get up i struggle to bend over, to even walk until i've "warmed up".  Was this my body telling me im doing to much, probably!!  So things changed i dropped the very early morning jogging spot  for the evening dance ones which increased to sometimes 6 nights a week. Meaning i went to bed knackered & sweaty but i did sleep better.  I would however wake the next morning in pain again as my body objected to the lively dance moves from the night before.  I took a break as l had family stuff on over a space of 5 days. No dance, no steps, no 99% intake tracking.  Then when i resumed with a FBW & full tracking the scales started inching up again!!!  This can happen if you've taken a break im faithfully told that your body will hold on to water, it will hydrate your rested muscles assuming you are going to re-starve it.  Two weeks on from this particular event today saw the scales rise by 1.6lb overnight!!! Wtf??!! Logic kicks in - i had wholewheat pasta for tea, i drank a glass of low cal tonic water, i did a FBW, i drank my 4l of water, i hadn't had a poo (sorry tmi!!) but its all relevant and it does make sense. What i can not get my head around is the swollen, ' pregnant looking buddha belly' that has re-emerged & is making me feel quite frankly pissed off.!!  

What else can l do i stick to my calories,  im physcially active, ok i could & should increase my steps as they are lacking at the moment, but does the lack of stepping & rarely hitting my protein goal seriously produce the 'pregnant belly' ???   Or am as titled dellusional in my thinking???  Is it as i often wonder a tumour of some sort??  If l go to the doctors & ask for a scan to see whats happening in there going to show me the anwser, i dont know.  I also  dont think the doctor at this moment in time will want me to be bothering the system with this query, with the usual anwser you need to lose weight & it wont go overnight.    I have lost weight since they last saw me nigh on 3 stone actually!!.  But what is the anwser??  I finished a beautiful christmas cardigan yesterday only to discover whilst it fits perfectly across my arms & back there is no way on earth its going around the 'pregnant buddha belly'. 

On another subject with in my current dellusional state of mind, an elderly Aunt died 2 wks ago, but due to the situation funeral arrangements are limited, lack of transport & money on my part meant i was nat able to attend the funeral 'up country' from where l live.  So, another cousin and l held our own facetime memorial service to her , raised a glass, sang the parting song, reminisced- lovely.  Only for me to now discover that my Brother who lives about an hour away from me actually attended the funeral in person!!  Ok so he doesnt contact or speak to me other than the odd Christmas card never rings me, rarely rings our elderly mum. I have in the past reached out to him but get absolutely nothing back. So am i dellusional in thinking he 'could've' rung me & offered to take me & mum to my Aunts funeral??? Had this happened, then the cousin with whom i had the memorial would also have pushed herself & attended despite her son having mental health issues at the moment. There was also no wake, but had there been more of us in attendance we could've gone for a meal or a drink & held our own wake. 

Again am i dellusional in my thinking that offering to be nice to  your own flesh & blood at a time of sorrow would be a lovely gesture. 

Or is that it just that ....DELLUSION.!!!

LETS HAVE A WHINGE!!

So the brain fog remains pretty much as it was the last time i posted.  The weather also matches my dull mood & mindset. All in all im feeling & am a miserable moany mare at the moment.

Not that long ago our UK government follwed on behind other countries like the sheep that it is & tried to ban women from wearing burkhas, in order to help the risk of terrorism.  Shops also banned bikers from entering shops with helmets on & guys with hoodies were encouraged to remove the hood before entering so that everyone/ security cameras etc could see peoples faces, in the event that they did some thing dodgy.

Fast forward 5 months to post pandemic lockdown, the LAW now states that we HAVE to wear face coverings in all shops, banks, post offices, hospitals.!!! Wtf !!!  As a glasses, 2 hearing aids wearing subject of the UK during the upcoming Autumnal/ Winter wet months of UK weather . With a hat & my mask on i will look like gangster & or the 3 wise monkeys!!! Cant see because glasses will steam up, cant hear because the microphone on hearing aids is covered by hat, cant be heard or speak clearly as my mouth will be covered & will be sweating profusely.  I will however be "protecting others" from myself!!! 

At the beginning of lockdown i was prevented from going "out, out", now that i am "allowed" out i dont really want to go, as the whole thought of going whilst trussed up to "protect others" is very stressful & makes me feel very anxious.  Not everyone wears masks, not everyone cares. Trust me i do care & l "get" why they're needed but if l personally can avoid having to wear a mask then i will.

Of course i can shop online for most things these days. Except that is, if l want a food shop...as a loyal customer of one well known supermarket, i have been prevented from shopping online since lockdown as i am "not a priority" customer nor am l deemed vulnerable. So my years of spending with them have now ceased.  Another well known supermarket jumped at the opportunity to offer "shopping for everyone" with 4 shops with free delivery. First shop was made 3 weeks before delivery using a credit card as l only have 1 monthly income!!  All items delivered. Great.  However, 2nd order can only be delivered at bedtime for free 10pm-11pm!!! i live in a block of 6 flats with elderly people, i also go to bed at 10pm.  I cant really see me being a considerate neighbour if l agree to have my monthly shop delivered at this time.  The alternative is to ask family if i do it in town, could one of them pick me up & bring me home, where i will hand bawl it up a flight of stairs.

Without available cash in our fast cashless society im stuck. i can order on credit card but when you're on furlough month wage which is £200 a month less than "normal" un-neccessary expense is not really an option. 

Now that we're allowed out my anxiety has gone through the roof & i've lost my nerve to go out alone.  Ive lost my sense of purpose too, i last worked 23rd March. I now do not know when i will return, if l have a job to return to, if l do have a job to return to how will it have changed, will l be in a different department. I suspect / assume i will return end of August - its now end of July as l write. I assume different regimes will be inplace ie how i do my job as a classroom/ workshop cleaner, what processes i will have to do . I will be returning after a 6 month break!!!

Six months- no work, no physical or verbal contact with any colleagues. When l last worked Spring had just emerged from the dulls of cold dark Winter months, i havent experienced the changes this year, the hayfever, the wearing of less clothes as the temperatures heated up.  Well i have worn less clothes mainly because i lived in smart new pyjamas for the first months then shorts & vest tops. As the need to actually get dressed was taken away. I didnt leave the flat nor the block except for my once a week quick walk to local shop to get much inflated "essentials". I still dont venture far. A couple of treks (2 mile) walks over to my daughters to see her & the boys, to help her with her housework/ laundry moutain. My once a week shop in the little shop still happens. And fortnightly l have been venturing the 3 miles into town to do a shop with my sturdy shopping trolley, which once full weighs 20kgs, i then lug that back up the hill & stairs.  Those are the only reasons i get dressed properly.  i save on washing because i do not see the point in dressing differently every day to stop indoors with 3 cats. I see no one, no one visits so the neccessity isnt there.

Six months of the year have gone in a flash, i used to wake in the dark to jog on the spot for an hour every morning looking out at naked trees, as the months moved on the trees have become laden with leaves, all lush & green, the mornings have lightened the the evenings lengthened. Until the Solstice last month...the seasons have peaked & are now slowly going back to where l left them, by the time "normal" work like & purpose restarts the trees will begin shredding there coverings, i assuming lve a place to go will emerge having to cover up, wear clothes, wear shoes & even a jacket.  

No wonder my heads mushed up, ive missed a chunk of the year from my head, from my being. The family life l had is no more, i cant see it ever going back to what it was, my job is no more not the way that it was,  I dont like the not knowing, i dont like the changes that have been forced upon me. i dont like how my head is processing the changes, its thought processes.  I dont like how with all the effort i've put in to keep myself physically fit & lose some weight, nothings really changed. Yes, i can now lift weights regularly, some inches have disappeared, shape has changed, scales have gone up due to muscle gain....im told!! But l look in the mirror & still see a pregnant buddha belly.  Even in the depths of my rigid lockdown exercise regime of jogging 6-7am 7 days a weeks, FBW x 3 a week, jogging 8.30pm - 9.30pm 6 days a week there were no changes to be seen, only physical pain in the mornings before i recommenced.  So whats the point of physically hurting myself if there are no results to show for it?? Whose going to see, whose going to comment on the changes??

There is no one here to see, to speak, no purpose, no point!! No certainty, no future plans, just unknowns.

BRAIN FOG.......

What a week, family visit, discussing their future, their funeral!!!

In the same week l lost an Aunt, the end of the family line on Dads side. Made for an emotional over haul.  I take comfort in that she died 2 weeks after her 90th birthday, 2 weeks before what would've been her brothers 95th birthday & a day before their birth mothers own death anniversary. So in my head they've all come back together.  Can i say that i think it was a happy release from the big C & from a life that wasnt overly happy in the beginning. I hope that she's found peace & happiness now  that she's back with those she loved.

As for the other subject- the impending funeral plans!! Whilst part of me thinks its an awful thing to have to discuss, actually planning & organising such event before it happens can have its own comforts. When in the future the event happens it will already be organised & in place ...on paper at least. I, as nominated organiser will be the one who has to put it in place. Quite a burden really, some parts ive suggested havent gone down well with some members of the family, like being interred with Dad rather than being thrown/ scattered into the sea. "i" didnt want Dad being left alone in his unmarked grave in a tiny village cemetery.  Mum didnt want to go there she wanted to be thrown to sea  as she says no one will visit afterwards.  I had no say in Dads passing decisions so ive had my say now. Ive never agreed that an unmarked grave plot was acceptable. And im not going to feel guilty for having my thoughts.

I have been though....

Its all such a weird thing to be discussing & planning. Stickers will mark things in the house that i would like to keep after the "event". Others can choose if not stickered what they would like as a memento. Things purchased by my brother will go to him obviously!! Whilst i "will get whatevers left"!!  thanks for that.

 Yet again words that hurt me. Am i surprised...i shouldnt be. Is she even aware that over the 59 years of my life, during my upbringing that things said have cut me to the core. Whether they were said in a mothers anger or just said in conversation, somethings were said that have stuck & cant be unsaid or forgotten....not by me anyway.

How those words have made me feel & react is a constant battle with my inner me.  And ive strived to be a better unhurtful mother to my own 4, probably hasnt always been the case. And im sure they'll say ive said things just as hurtful.....however if i have Im am truly sorry. 

Writing on here is meant to clear the brain fog that has been this weeks issue, i feel numb, emotional, in turmoil, low. I need to push through it back to the positive exercising body i was over a week ago.  Abit of sun & natural positivity would help.  Instead there is warm, grey nothingness outside my window. I have become the owner of 3 double CDs full of calming, relaxing, tunes to help soothe the mind & soul...i need to be listening to them for the rest of the weekend.

Watching too, programmes about people who live a lone on the Artic Circle in sub zero temperatures where there are no shops & convenience, where hunting their food is their prime way of living & surviving. Where their whole existent & daily live revolves around maintaining & surviving their severe surroundings. Whilst calm & quiet it is an extremely harsh way of life. Yet they do it & love it. I just need to maintain the secure life l have, where there are shops, readily available food & stuff. 

And then its happened- the sun is pushing through the grey, mundane sky clearing the fog.......

It's Been a while......

Hi, its been  a while since my last public post, my last written thoughts hit the page.

Its now July 2020, we're ending the 2020 Corona virus pandemic lockdown- well phase 1 anyway.  Its been very strange for many many people. 

I live alone now have done for 6 years, have had many trials & tribulations over the time since last writing in 2014 i think it was.  Many births in the addtions of grandbabies who now range from 1 year -17 years of age. My children are now adults 27-37 & three of the adults themselves. The parental apron strings have been cut....with the occasional relapse into me feeling & being an active Mum again.  Tends to be rare these days & im finding roles are beginning to reverse- they're parenting me!!!

So having updated my family life, lets update my thought life. Im the wrong side of 50, lost weight, lost people l loved & admired in the last 3 years. Even lost my fur baby Maddie- my 12 year old Staffie who gave me confidence & companionship, making me go out alone in the rural settings in which l live.  

She's been gone 2 years now & i've stopped going out, then lock down happened in March 2020 & i/ we werent allowed out, until about 3 weeks ago that is. Even then , even now its limited & controlled by some restrictions. If you travel in public you have to wear a mask, which when you wear glasses & 2 hearing aids is stifling & frustrating. Your glasses steam up so you get hot & bothered. They get caught on your hearing aids which already have your glasses leaning behind them- am sure my ears have a wider gap behind them these days!! 

This is not a good post as im waffling, jumping from one thought, subject to another. As the freedom to be able to "speak" on paper/ screen is going into overload mode. I'd like to post regularly and as always planned post my travel blogs which i've written on my various adventures, all of which will be far more entertaining than this one.

Anyway, thoughts on lockdown, during lockdown have varied- i was in the beginning very focused. Day 1- March 22nd my last day at work was very stressful, extremely emotional as i'd last seen my youngest daughter &  her 3 boys on the Thursday- was used to seeing them daily. They'd just moved to a large house further away from my flat, no longer over the road. I was just getting used to the new longer walk to hers to help her & see the boys- youngest was 6 months old. Then i went to work for the last time on the Monday had to work with people i dont nornmally work with, doing silly little poitnless jobs, head completely screwed, i spent most of the morning crying alot!!

Then when i got home we "the powers that be"- government announced we were to be locked up until further notice- thats it no physical contact, no freedom, no shopping unless absolutley necessary, no going out except for 1 hour walk a day, away from any other person, dont touch anything outside of the safety of your home enviroment. so, l hankered in, went on a major cleaning & exercise regime. Totally blitzed my flat. Got up at 5.30am everyday 7 days a week religiously to jog on the spot with my online fitness plan.  I learned how to Facetime my family & everyday we'd message each other, they checked on me daily, i could talk to them & their children, whilst sat in the safety of our homes in our jammies. 

I had regular phone chats with my elderly mum, who was used to living alone anyway, but fiercely independent had to be told she wasnt to go out at all- as it wasnt safe.   Have to say from my prospective that particular rule scared me- i had visions of being told off my military/ police or other authority figures.  My weekly visit to the local shop for essential supplies was a nerve wracking event initially , only taking 1 certain bag & purse & credit card- (we're adviced not to use cash as its not clean or safe). Taking the lone way round to the shop in order to relish my outside freedom.  But not being close to other humans, who would briefly say hello. Then getting home trying not to touch publicly touched surfaces before washing hands immediately l got in. Unpacking shopping, washing hands again having removed all packaging, putting it away, washing hands again. Hanging bag up so germs could die off before being used the next time/ week. Leaving my purse & reciept on table again so germs could die off!!! 

The paranoia was setting in.  The daily updates determined how l felt & how l would deal with the next few weeks to come, not knowing when it would end. And the "new normal" would emerge.....Nigh on 4 months on as we do emerge there is still mass uncertainty.  Has it only been 4 months feels more like 4 years.  Its been an emotional rollercoaster- in the early days seeing my first hearse/ funeral cortege with the new rules inplace  from an unknown neighbour down the road left me in floods of tears, feeling their loss, seeing the no contact, knowing they wouldnt be "allowed" to physically touch each other even though they're blood related- was just oo much to handle. There has been 1 more courtege since then in the street where l live with the same over whelming sorrow created.   Then a work colleagues sudden death, followed by an "online" funeral which l was actually able to view, which made me angry, not because i couldnt see it but because it - this bloody situation had created this sceanrio, where we are no longer allowed to grieve our loved ones, or attend a funeral, comfort each other, chatting about our memories of that person, raising a glass in their honour . Its just shit!!  Ive lost 3 people now since ive been "locked up". Each held a part of my heart, none were  Covid related which again makes me angry as we shouldve been allowed to grieve together, as they werent contaminated!

But instead i cried alone at home, remembered all 3 in different ways, remembered the memories they each created in the vast filing cabinet which is my brain/ head. 

The "new norm" at the moment of writing is that  i can now venture into town to shop "freely"- however, im to avoid buses unless l wear a mask. If the shop i enter is busy with people im adviced to wear a mask. I have to usually self serve using a plastic payment card not cash. I cant really go in any shop & wander around browsing, touching merchandise. Ideally you have a list , you go in get whats on it, pay & leave without touching anyone or anything. Walking is now my  preferred transport, as its free & gets me out. Shopping in town is however an all day event 3 miles in, shop, 3miles back via a steep hill dragging behind me my sturdy shopping trolley which then usually weighs 20kgs. Yes, i feel like ive achieved so much when i eventually get home & unpacked. Having washed my hands immediately i re-enter the safety of my flat.  I do however spend the following day feeling rather mentally & physically ill. Mentally because before getting out of the flat door to go on my trek i go into nervous, anxious mode, crying, shaking, panicking.  Her in my head, whose confident,senseible & stern- tells me to not be so stupid, that i will love it once im in town, that i'll see people i know & have real life conversations, that i'll have a huge sense of achievement when l get home. She pushes me to "just bloody go...NOW!!". And she's right.

The other part of the not being locked up is now having the chance & freedom to go & see my children & grandbabies again, when ever l want.  It is a long 2 mile walk, through a lovely loca park to reach my youngest daughters where i am always greeted by excited, overjoyed boys seriously, genuinely happy to see me.  The relationship with their Mums is different, we no longer see each other daily, as we've bothed gotten used to being self reliant, rather that relying on each other. We've both gotten used to our own company.

 I know for my side of things i like me, l like living with me, myself & l, her in my head talks sense & we have great chats. Life is calm, peaceful & controlled- but in a nice way not regimented. It is structured with a fitness regime, it has a great "virtual, safe "social life, which is buzzing with great people. Conversations flow as do the giggles., the support, the comfort, love & adivce. Its a great "new life". 

How long will it last , i dont know? I dont know when i will return to work, if my job will be like it was- very probably not, if l still have a job to go back to- it will be 6 months since l was last there- l think....there is huge uncertainty, huge unknowns & that is scary.....