I'M NOT READY

 

So, this year i have a big birthday coming up. And whilst age has never bothered me before, ( i hope im not repeating myself) . This one is an issue for me. Probably because l'm locked up again, with limited freedoms, like the rest of the country. 

Lockdown 1 l lost several people who were a big part of my life. Lockdown 2 - l worked continually so nothing felt too different, extra measures in work but on the  whole life carried on as normal- the new normal anyway.  Now lm in Lockdown 3- furloughed off work again, back into my fitness lockdown routine. However my mindset is not brilliant. And turning 60 isnt helping the matter.  Already in week 3 l think it is l've learned of the sad passing of some one l knew way back in the days of the primary school run, when a generation of school parents/ mums knocked around with each other, raised our children & had fun lives.  The lovely man whose passed was the fit Dad of the playground and a genuine nice guy. A good Dad & husband. He's lost his life very sadly to this bloody virus he was just 64......its just shit!!!

While l wasnt particularly close to this guy, l knew him, his children are the same age as 3 of mine. I knew his wife. He was in a group of people who were a part of my history as it were. And heres the thing- a few more of those lovely people are to date suffering various health complaints. Some of those are younger than me, some older and we're talking a couple of years not decades older nor younger.  

And as a result turning 60 has gotten me thinking- life is passing me by, l've unfinished business, things l'd like to do, places to go etc. and l'm running out of time.

This was bought home even more so today when in the post l recieved from a private pension provider l have sent me a Retirement pack!!!  Just to remind me that l can retire, no longer work for a living in just 4-5 years time !!! Shit.... thats no time at all. And the way this bloody virus is going another year towards that deadline will be spent in locked down forced pre-retirement. I mean l joked about lockdown 1 being my pre retirement practice last year but the shits getting real now. And lm not ready.....

I dont know how l was going to spend these last few years - l guess l was going to plod along going to work 6 days a weeks for a few more school years yet, then go on a few more holidays to my favourite island Crete, go to some more concerts & shows alone or with others on coach trips. Then slip gently into  no longer working. And it would've been ok because l wouldve established the routines of coach trips, of going abroad, shows etc. I may even have made new friends to accompany me on these adventures. But no as it stands right now, l'm at home doing what l want , when l want, no conversation, no company, just 'her in my head'- bloody ERIN. 

And right now ERIN who normally talks sense is filling my head with some doom & gloom, some scary realisation that some of the people l admired back in the day, still admire today because they are great people are struggling more than me, they like me are over the top of the life mountain with the scary drop the other side.

More so ERIN reminded me of some thoughts l had 32 years ago- l gave birth to my 3rd baby as my Dad retired. I had post natal depression and or the realisation that my lovely Dad was now in the final chapters of his life. Because after you retire there is only one other place to go.......and your story is then then finished.Three years after Dad retired his story ended. ...... 

So when i'm reminded that l'm 4-5 years away from my own retirement l find myself scrambling to the mountain top scrabbling to keep a grip to my unfinished still to do life. In a world with this bloody virus is rampant, ripping people out of it pretty damn quickly l am worried, l am scared. I dont want to spend the rest of my days locked up with no freedoms.  I want a retirement full of things to do, trips, people, company. 

And yet apart of me is not ready to enter that new chapter, of being 60, of never working again. Of being old.  I am just not ready.......

LOCKDOWN ROUND 3.

 

Here we go again, new year new start but on delay...!!! 

So l've survived a week & a half of the new lockdown. Furloughed to protect my job, save lives, robbed of freedom to do 'stuff' alone ie travel abroad, plan a holiday overseas, go to a show, concert, cinema. However, for me its not all doom & gloom- after last time, last years imprisonment l'm prepared.  I've reverted back to last years routine of early up, stepping followed immediately by weight training. This in fact gives me a huge amount of energy & sets me up for the rest of the day.  For me thats the hard bits out the way. 

The rest of the day after breakfast is boring stuff like housework before settling down for crafting of some sort. I have a weekly trek to my support bubble to see my daughter & grandsons- something we/ l wasnt 'allowed' to do last time.  I was and actually still am quite excited about not 'having' to go to work as my life is so much more enriched when i'm off.

Whilst l dont have face to face conversations with anyone or any physical contact, l do have a great online virtual life full of supportive, 'chatty' people. Like minded stepping, lifting, caring people whom l 'connect' with everyday. And that for me is great for my mental well being. They make me feel wanted and apart of the wider community that we all actively belong too. 

In the real world, l still dont go out walking alone, something l really wish l could do, but anxiety, fear of being attacked, seeing 'dodgy' blokes- (this has happened before), being self conscious of being a lone female out wandering. I would and do go to the local shops armed with my mask or sheild & unlike last time am no longer fearful of 'being out amongst people'.  I still avoid and advisedly so avoid going into big shops where there are a lot of people, strangers- thats is my covid fear. I klnow where i've been, i know who l've had contact with but l dont know about others, so l avoid them & the hidden dangers.

One of my new past times is to catch up & watch tv usually as a background noise to me crafting rather than silence. I've begun watching the new series of 'Married at first sight Austrailia', l love it, find it addictive, full of drama, twists & turns. But its gets me thinking everytime- 'Would l do it???'.

And 'Yes i would'....l think!! I'm approaching a new age category one which is a major milestone for me. Age hasnt been an issue for me ever. Loved my 40's & 50's had great celebrations. However this year its gonna be different. Last year was my first ever alone birthday i settled for a crappy little cake from the local shop which had very little choice at the time. I had the best present of a bag of pasta from 1 of my 4 offspring- (l love pasta, had run out, there was a shortage)- & l got to see her from my doorstep.  This year we'd planned seeing a favortie show 'Moulin Rouge' the stage show in London as it was due to open the week of my 'big birthday'- like everything its been moved to the Autumn. The another idea was mentioned a spa break as l have never had or been to a spa. But thats not gonna happen either is it!!!

  But this age category is a biggy, its the other side of the peak the slight downhill side, mentally, physcially and generally. Due to my bad past l do feel l was robbed of all l have to give. I was a tactile, caring person. I liked sex....(yes l have just published that fact!!!). But that was all taken away & hasnt returned or even had a glimmer of re-awakening. And that for me is sad. I still have more l'd like to feel & give. I want to have fun, laugh, be happy, have company, have actual conversations again. I want share experiences with 'some one'...not 'just anyone' but a friend, some like minded. Who would actually care for me too.

So back to 'marrying at first sight' as i no longer and havent for many, many years been in a relationship. I go no where to meet any new people. I'm restricted now even more would l give it ago?? yeah l think l would because l've been there, done it, got the t-shirts. Dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, would like a male best friend- have always just wanted a male best friend to knock around with, spend time with, have company with, enjoy life with. Thats not to much to ask for is it?? l mean the expectations arent that high are they?? 

Could l live with some one again after so many years alone?? l dont know. Could l re-learn compromise, again l dont know. I think if you 'click' then compromise & caring come naturally dont they. Certainly makes me think. 

Certainly l have new space and time to think and ponder.