Saturday, 2 June 2012


2012 in the UK is planned as an epic historical year.

We host the Olympics and our Queens Golden Jubilee- 60 years of one lady doing her job.

In the town in which l have lived for over 20 years, there are a variety of events planned to celebrate these historic events.

Yet in my home l am the only one interested.  I am the only one who wants to be there when the Olympic torch arrives in our town and ignites the symbolic beacon.  ( The photo above was taken in our town after this was written.)  I am the only one who wants to be apart of this history. 

When my grandchild not yet born, gets taught about the Olympics and the Queen and gets told about this years events- in the year that they were born- their parent and aunts will say they weren't interested, they couldn't be bothered.  Which l feel is a bad attitude to have towards the town and country's future.

This year is already shaping up to be a year of boys births, when 2 years ago it was mostly girls named Maisy.

I would like to say l was there when the town in which my new grandchild was born celebrated these historic events.

Same as l was able to say when the late Princess Diana visited. 

These are free celebrations and joyous occasions in a year that will bring personal hardship and sacrifices because of one persons pleasure.

I want to be part of the celebrations as it is me that will face the hardship and me that will make yet more sacrifices.

Yet, l will celebrate alone, l feel, as l have no one else to share these events with.  No one else in my family is interested or can be bothered.

I seem to have bred off spring whose enthusiasm and interest in others is sadly lacking.  Off spring who respect no one other than themselves.  Who do not see outside of their own blinkered boxes.  As they are my off spring, is that my doing?  Or is it apart of their peerage? Is it part of society with whom history has no part, no place, where historical events mean nothing.  Where the only events that matter to them are personal ones, births, deaths and marriages.  Actually scrap the marriages in their lives marriage and solid family units don't exist anymore, for the most part 'the family' is a mum and child or a sperm donor.  This to them is the norm.  This lifestyle does not need history and monarchy and countrywide patriotism.

After all we are English we don't even celebrate our Saints day unlike the Irish.

As a child of a London born Mother, l was taken to see a variety of Royal events and visits.  I celebrated the Queens Silver Jubilee, l was taken to a variety of Royal establishments.  I cried at the demise of some Royals. I watched events on TV all 50 years of my life.

My off spring like alot of the town and country will enjoy the allocated extra days off work but not the reason for this time off. History and historic events are in the past, they are old. My off spring are not old so have no past and no history.

post script.Since  writing this article my pregnant daughter and l attended the Olympic Torch event and thoroughly enjoyed it..


I've had two and a half weeks Easter holiday time off work, which means no contact with the regular people l talk to, no walking, no work, no walking the dog, no routine.

Went back to work Monday - alone- couldn't do alot as maintenance men hadn't finished what they had to do.  Went for a brief chat with some of the girls. 

Have had a sore throat since previous Thursday which has developed into a cold.  Left work before lunchtime as there was nothing else l could do.  Saw my line manager who said he'd see me next Monday. Dept. boss away. Told line manager l'd be back in 2 days so other stuff could be done.

Since returning home cold has increased  and worsened, achy, coughing, lethargic, generally felt like crap, slept for 2 days.  Due back in tomorrow l week on from start of cold/ viral infection.!!

I have no voice, still coughing, not sleeping at night, drugs keep me awake, but make me feel OK-ish!!

Mental state, - questionable. Not feeling 100%, thought of going to work alone - scary.  Next week when every ones back in will be fine.  This week horrible.

Worried what people will think, don't think any ones even noticed I'm not in, have no contact at all, no ones text, or phoned to see if I'm OK or ask where l am. Obviously not missed.

Will go in Friday do what needs doing before Monday.  Need a bath and to change clothes I've been in for 3 days!!!!
Need to raise my confidence, need to push myself as no one else will.   Monday even if l feel rough can hide behind politeness and good manners.  Tuesday will be busy and back in the game of my working routine- 6 day weeks for next 5 weeks. From two and half weeks off- nigh on 3 and half weeks to 5 weeks on work routine, hustle and bustle of normality where there is no time for anxiety.


This was written a while ago.

I sit in bed alone, because a daughter sleeps in the living room of our tiny 2 up 2 down house.  In the other bedroom sleeps another daughter-pregnant.

We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And some are blessed with life partners, a wife, a husband, a soul mate a friend with whom they share laughter, tears, words and thoughts.

Me, I'm alone, always have been, with the exception of a few years and a handful of friends with whom I've shared moments with.

There are 3 of us in this home, this house, but l am alone.

In youth we/ l obied my Mother, l wore what she said, l went where she said, l ate what she said l should eat.  Then we moved.

We belonged, we had friends, me and my brother, because he was my companion we were told to go everywhere together- stay together, we played up the 'rec'., at the 'Smiths' amazing house.

Then the teen years edged in and then l changed schools, l had 3 'besties' then- as girls tend to do.  One main one, - a  lone child with an older Dad and a tired Mother. But she was my buddy, my 'real friend'!

Then we moved.

Bullied, victimised, living above a shop as we always did, unhappy..

Then we moved.

High above another shop in a huge flat, scarred from previous experiences, my brother and l spent the summer in the park or swimming. We made friends.  I didn't have a girl- friend until we started back at school- then made 3!!

but they were army kids, so used to making and breaking friends and moving about. I was cautious- shy, nervous.

Then- they moved- l left school.

I worked in the shop, isolated, joined employment agencies - alone.  Travelled to a city alone.  Applied for the Navy- alone.  Landed a Junior post in the city, walked a mile to the station, commuted alone. Worked with bitchy women, met people whilst commuting, socialised, met men - married men- alone!   Commuted back and forth, walked home, stayed home with parents high above the shop.  Went to local 'disco' with my brother, met soldiers, got engaged, broke up. Met an old school mate, became inseparable, began a life, socialised together, went clubbing, got drunk, met more soldiers- squaddies.

Met P&A, became a foursome. They got engaged,so l got engaged. What they did, we did.  Lost jobs, New jobs.

Then we moved.

Same job, new house.  Pregnant, choices = abortion, adoption or marriage. No discussion, no chat, no support.  Left home, miscarried, taken back home, 'told' to stay away from fiance. No discussion, no chat, no support.

Then l moved.

Me and A- 1 room- bedsit-pregnant-married.

Then we moved.

Babies, seasonal friends. Divorce. Torrid affair. Betrayed.

Then l moved.

Mountain top, new country, 2 babies-alone.

Cried lots, no support, mates not friends. New man= another baby.

Then we moved.

A Home- another baby- real friends- Life, Love, betrayal, devastation, shock, tears, the nightmare.

Friends, support, discussion, strength, love, changes.

New man- no friends- alone.

Then we moved-moon light flit.

Year of hell, pit of despair, no friends, no family, no life, pain, beatings, abuse. Desperation, survival, fighting, scared, total desperation, evicted. Alone.

Survival, life check, humble pie, apologies, strength, escape.

Then we moved- my children and l .

Back to reality, friends, life, love, mega strength, stronger, loved, new friends- new life.

Then we moved.

Worked, socialised, life, work, children grew, children left, wedding, grand children, home, work.

No socialising, no love, breakdown, Alone.

Alone, Empty nest, work.

Then l moved.

Me, teenager, animals, work, no socialising, no love, work, home, work. Alone

No support, no discussion, no chat, no laughter.  Home alone with 2 adult children.

No partner, no companion, no one to share, no one to hug ALONE on my own.