When you're sent photos of your mum with her head injuries, following her latest fall on Monday. I fell apart. Were these the last images of her?
We've never had the best relationship but love learned a lot & I am who l am because of her, even in spite of her. She bought me up exactly how her parents raised her- she hated that but still, she bestowed on me the same loathing.
I didn't visit as I'm still in the throws of covid fatigued, coughing, and breathless. They were there earlier, is it the same ward, l don't know as no one said anything to me her daughter.
They said the nurses had said they won't resuscitate, that she was not medically fit to leave the hospital. And that they'll keep her comfortable- this is nearing the end, the time l dreaded.
I'm alone processing what this means but then the bombshell - she will not speak to me about her needs only my youngest daughter.
All my life I've felt not good enough felt rejected unloved, and a disappointment. Even now in the last paragraph, she's chosen someone else.
I feel rejected again, angry, bitter, so so alone. Fighting back is fine- if she doesn't want me to sort her final days & place then it's less stress on me, better for my health- but is it really???
I have never felt so alone, fight or flight l want to run and disappear no one would notice no one would care. I was really poorly for 2 weeks did anyone notice, di anyone care- No!! Why should now be any different?
Not sure l can endure this ..
I'll be an orphan no lovely Dad, no Mum no brother- he's not dead but might as well be for all the contact he's made. No children- no that's not right l have 4 grown-up children who treat me like I've been with her, they don't notice or bother really. But do they not like me either?? feels like it.
They like her but don't really know me, or how l think or feel because they don't talk to me, no one does not face to face not really online either.
Next week is Mother's Day it'll be her last & mine.
