Theres been a lot of posts and chat this week, yesterday in particular as it was "Mental Health Awareness Day", so l thought i'd put my spin on it.
While l've only been told officially by a doctor a couple of times that l have a mental health problem & at those times was prescribed 'happy pills' l do genuinely believe l have some 'issues' which are mental health related.
I think l have what is called 'Social Anxiety' because l find it sometimes impossible to interact with real people in the real world. I can fly alone to foreign countries but going 'out,out' locally l find hard. I've put off going to invited functions because l cant physically get out the door. I want to go, l know when im there l'll have had a good time. But getting out the door and walking alone to the venue...nah!! Going abroad, ive paid a lot, l've planned, l've booked, my flight etc so l've made that commitment. When l get there the beauty of the surroundings makes it all worth it. I dont 'have to' interact with anyone, l can & do please myself, so there's no pressure. The first days of going all inclusive are nerve wracking - going to the restaurant alone, not knowing the routine, the 'procedure' is nerve wracking . But no one knows me so if l make a fool of myself theres no one to judge me, if they do judge ...who are they anyway....no one l know, so it doesnt matter.
Yet here and now thats a different thing, l know people, they know me, they see me, they could & some might actually judge me. My inner voice (ERIN- her in my head) she doesnt call me names, she doesnt tell me i'm stupid, she's confident, she talks sense, she encourages me to do things l'd shy away from, she tells me "just do it, for gods sake!". She tells me to stop faffing. She's in 'control' of my mental health.
What is mental health anyway? is it how we feel, our emotions, our senses? Our physiological response to 'bad stuff', traumas, life events?? If so then yes l have a mental health problem, l am who l am, l react the way l do because of my past- my past adult abuse- being raped, being beaten, losing babies, losing my Dad, losing friendships, being lied to, being gulible, being niave to life. Any thing can 'trigger' a reaction, a memory, 'that moment when...' a song, a smell, some one elses experience of a similar trauma can all 'trigger' my mental health reaction.
My mental health can make me feel anxious, angry, sad, lonely, unheard, alone....different from being lonely. It can also make me feel wise, determined, knowledgeable, revengeful even. And yes it - my mental health can drop me slowly into a black hole, that black hole of despair, of no hope, of no point, of no way back. the black hole aka as Depression.
For me, ERIN who is strong & wise talks me out of the hole. When l was given 'happy pills' the first time l was officially told l had, had a break down & had a mental health issue, that was the time l 'felt a failure' having to have pills to control my feelings, to stop the spiral into the black hole, into the abyss of no going back. I even laughed at myself for having failed to 'sort myself out', for not recognising that i'd had a 'mental wobble'. Even when l returned to work & told colleagues l'd had a breakdown l was told 'oh it wasnt a proper breakdown'!!! What??!! What is a breakdown, a mental wobble to one person can manifest itself in so many ways in others- addiction to drink, drugs, cleaning, eating, self harming, crying, isolation, suicide.....ALL of these are cries for help, cries for a little more love, a little more attention.
Who are we to judge anyone, how they feel & react to life, to their traumas. In todays society we tend to stick labels on everyone and everything. So l can be labeled as a survivor of Domestic Violence, i'm a victim of abuse of rape & sexual assault, ive been mentally controlled, l've got PTSD, l've got Social Anxiety. Ive got mental health issues.
But .....I am still me......
No comments:
Post a Comment