Maid against Principles

 

Just finished watching a series on Nexflix called The Maid- recommended to me by a private Facebook group for women.  Its a about a girl who escapes domestic violence and turns her life around.

It could have been written about me and many other women l'm sure.  The girl in the programme escapes- runs away twice not from violent abuse but from emotional- coercive abuse. But because her scars are not visible she has to fight the "system" to prove that she has been abused.  

In fact she has to also accept herself that she has actually been in a DV relationship. This is based in  America so the rules, regulations etc are different to those over here in the UK. 

Just because there are no physical black and blue bruises does not mean l or you or other people have not been in a DV relationship.  Mental scars from my own experience are far harder to heal from.  A colourful bruise will fade and disappear. Mental and emotional bruising stays buried for life.  Resurfacing at the slightest trigger- a sound, a smell, a song, a place. 

Like the character portrayed l began writing, she wrote about her menial jobs, about her customers homes. I write when there is no one to talk too. When l have things l want to say and no one to listen, then l publish- post those words and thoughts on here for the world and who ever to read.

The character rekindled her love of writing, found her college application and reapplied gaining a scholarship so she could then go on and turn her life around for the sake of her daughter and herself.  She fought the system and won. She did what she had to do to break the cycle. 

l had a conversation with a work collegue just the other day about a job someone l know does where they make a lot of money even though they got chucked out of school with no qualifications, they've turned things around and not only do they graft hard for their living, they are now paying it forward and helping their family members.  I digress, the collegue whilst saying he envied that person said - his "principles" stopped him from applying for a job in the same place because he disagreed with the company. I replied "principles" don't pay bills, "principles" don't provide you with a living.  

When life dealt me the "lone parent" card l went against my principles to do jobs to provide for my children and l. I can hold my hands up and say whilst l was not ever going to become "just a cleaner" l've been with my employer as a "cleaner" for 20 years and l'll be there until l can retire in just 5 years time.   As a result of all the sweat, some tears, blood, aching bones and muscles my graft has paid off.

All 4 of my now adult children are grafters, l was able to take them on holidays, trips, experiences, feed them, clothe them and provide them with a comfortable, mostly happy life which they are now paying forward with their own children.  

Principles, l had, have principles but when push comes to shove to you have to let them slide. Especially if you want to turn things in your life around. 

DV- l survived, been there, done that, got all the t-shirts made this Maid who she is today.

What your happiest day? Experience?? - l've had too many to count but the best may be yet to come with or without principles.

REVIEW DAY- into the Unknown......

 The alarm went off to awaken me from the weekend into a new week.  I turned it off & went back to sleep, well my eyes did- my brain was Erin was talking to me, guilt tripping me for not getting out of bed to step like l've done for the past few weeks.

I got up nearly and hour later, didnt step, made my tea, got my water turned on the computer ready to 'watch' the daily workout- which normally l would be doing alongside my virtual company of fellow exercisers.  However day l really am not feeling it, so instead l got my breakfast & watched.

Today, the Prime Minister reviews this third Lockdown, today my employer reviews my furlough, my extended Christmas break, because to me thats what its felt like. I hardly returned from Christmas before being told to stay home - again!! 

And its a habit, a life style ive embraced and enjoyed - mostly.  Ive stuck to a regime of up early with my alarm, stepping followed by weight lifting near enough every work day morning before 8.30am. Today, lm not feeling it. I'm waiting anxiously to see if this alternative lifestyle will end, when will it end, when will l return to work, when will l be allowed to mingle with others freely, when will l be free to travel, go to concerts, shows, on holiday, go safely to the shops without being gagged with a mask. When???

Chatting with my Mother yesterday on our usual difficult phone calls- she's deaf, lm deaf, she is 93 so gets confused & muddled. She advised me to stop on at work for my final 5 years as l will benefit from it financially at least. She said l'd have 5 years of company- Huh!!! yeah right. .... This is not the moan she said l was having, this is a fact- l do not have company at work- Company is chatting happily with like minded people, having a laugh, having a bit of banter.  In my department after my graft l sit in a windowless gloomy room 8ft square- with some one who doesnt chat, can be narcissitic, greets every single morning with "Ohhh!!!" which straight away sets the scene and the mood for the rest of the time l'm in work. Its mentally draining. 

The review- will we/ l go back to my 'usual' routine- pre-lockdown, or will things be different again, new routine, new ways of doing things, will the pupils be back, will 'normal' timetable resume. Reviews are always about moving forward into the new, into the unknown. And thats it isnt it? thats the issue here, thats the cause of the anxiety- the unknown.

Positives about a return to 'normal' full pay, being allowed out-out, going out-out, being set free, being released from our home prisons, from our safety cocoons. Will we emerge like butterflies- flying into the sun, into Spring and warmer weather.......no body as yet knows.......

AM I RESPONSIBLE

 

Am l responsible for my childrens thoughts & feelings once they become adults???

Had a Grandson stay over for a couple of days to give his mother, one of my daughters a break from a lockdown house with 3 boys. I gladly had the eldest one, we didnt do alot, but we did spentd quality time together, talking, went walking in a very wet park- he had great fun. However, when it got to going home the trek home was as he said an "adventure".  

Wading through thick, squelchy, sucky mud, copious amounts of sucky mud. Across a even muddier squelchy cow field- Nannie- me- had a panic attack as she wrongly thought the cows that were hold up in their Winter dwelling were going to get out - so tried hurriedly to cross the void to the gate- through the copious amounts of squelchy mud.. Grandson was enjoying  the challenge, Nannie was nearly in tears in total panic mode!!!

We made it in one piece & proceeded to get to Mummys house- albeit covered in mud.  The greeting from fellow Grandsons was lovely- they welcomed their older brother. Mummy however was less than welcoming when she saw us. She said she'd just spent all morning cleaning- so was not best pleased at how we looked.!!!  We did remove muddy shoes outside- then once l was able to close the door Grandsons muddy jeans were removed. .....then she just walked off- looking totally pissed off !!!  

I will go as far as to say she looked postively disappointed that we- me & her eldest son had come back. I immediately felt close to tears & in a dilemma - should l put my boots on and just go home.   But l didnt- l went to sit down & weather the imminent storm- Stony moody silence!!!  So l said "you look well pissed off?"  again moody. Then within half an hour even her son said "ive just come home and already you're shouting at me"!!! that broke my heart. He'd even gone over for a much wanted welcoming cuddle from her but which she half heartedly gave. 

And this whole incident has got me thinking- at 2.30am are we responsible for how our adult children behave towards their own children - our grandchildren.??

Do they behave & react like they do as a result of how l bought them up???  I know this particular daughter suffers from pmt - hormone related mood swings which can & have been pure spiteful nastiness.  I will go as far as to say she & her hormonal leanings have been my low mood triggers on many, many occassion.   As a result l try and avoid those times as much as possible. I also feel heartbroken that my eldest grandson becomes the next mood victim because he's only 8 years old. Those thoughts of leaving him at his home to endure her wrath break my heart. I often because of these thoughts wake sobbing. Should l intervene? I know im not responsible for her hormones thats her bodies biology but am l responsible for how she reacts- did her upbringing create that spiteful tongue??

Then of course as her mother l then feel extremely guilty for having these thoughts about my own baby despite her being an adult now and a mother.  As her mother should l still tell her off, discipline her or are those days well and truly over??? 

So many thought provoking things in my head cause more upset and worry.  My adult children of each other have often said to me that "he or she" are adults now mum they can make their own decisions, they can make their own mistakes, their own choices. But as a Mother do you ever stop feeling you are responsible for their actions??? 

I really do not know???......

I'M NOT READY

 

So, this year i have a big birthday coming up. And whilst age has never bothered me before, ( i hope im not repeating myself) . This one is an issue for me. Probably because l'm locked up again, with limited freedoms, like the rest of the country. 

Lockdown 1 l lost several people who were a big part of my life. Lockdown 2 - l worked continually so nothing felt too different, extra measures in work but on the  whole life carried on as normal- the new normal anyway.  Now lm in Lockdown 3- furloughed off work again, back into my fitness lockdown routine. However my mindset is not brilliant. And turning 60 isnt helping the matter.  Already in week 3 l think it is l've learned of the sad passing of some one l knew way back in the days of the primary school run, when a generation of school parents/ mums knocked around with each other, raised our children & had fun lives.  The lovely man whose passed was the fit Dad of the playground and a genuine nice guy. A good Dad & husband. He's lost his life very sadly to this bloody virus he was just 64......its just shit!!!

While l wasnt particularly close to this guy, l knew him, his children are the same age as 3 of mine. I knew his wife. He was in a group of people who were a part of my history as it were. And heres the thing- a few more of those lovely people are to date suffering various health complaints. Some of those are younger than me, some older and we're talking a couple of years not decades older nor younger.  

And as a result turning 60 has gotten me thinking- life is passing me by, l've unfinished business, things l'd like to do, places to go etc. and l'm running out of time.

This was bought home even more so today when in the post l recieved from a private pension provider l have sent me a Retirement pack!!!  Just to remind me that l can retire, no longer work for a living in just 4-5 years time !!! Shit.... thats no time at all. And the way this bloody virus is going another year towards that deadline will be spent in locked down forced pre-retirement. I mean l joked about lockdown 1 being my pre retirement practice last year but the shits getting real now. And lm not ready.....

I dont know how l was going to spend these last few years - l guess l was going to plod along going to work 6 days a weeks for a few more school years yet, then go on a few more holidays to my favourite island Crete, go to some more concerts & shows alone or with others on coach trips. Then slip gently into  no longer working. And it would've been ok because l wouldve established the routines of coach trips, of going abroad, shows etc. I may even have made new friends to accompany me on these adventures. But no as it stands right now, l'm at home doing what l want , when l want, no conversation, no company, just 'her in my head'- bloody ERIN. 

And right now ERIN who normally talks sense is filling my head with some doom & gloom, some scary realisation that some of the people l admired back in the day, still admire today because they are great people are struggling more than me, they like me are over the top of the life mountain with the scary drop the other side.

More so ERIN reminded me of some thoughts l had 32 years ago- l gave birth to my 3rd baby as my Dad retired. I had post natal depression and or the realisation that my lovely Dad was now in the final chapters of his life. Because after you retire there is only one other place to go.......and your story is then then finished.Three years after Dad retired his story ended. ...... 

So when i'm reminded that l'm 4-5 years away from my own retirement l find myself scrambling to the mountain top scrabbling to keep a grip to my unfinished still to do life. In a world with this bloody virus is rampant, ripping people out of it pretty damn quickly l am worried, l am scared. I dont want to spend the rest of my days locked up with no freedoms.  I want a retirement full of things to do, trips, people, company. 

And yet apart of me is not ready to enter that new chapter, of being 60, of never working again. Of being old.  I am just not ready.......

LOCKDOWN ROUND 3.

 

Here we go again, new year new start but on delay...!!! 

So l've survived a week & a half of the new lockdown. Furloughed to protect my job, save lives, robbed of freedom to do 'stuff' alone ie travel abroad, plan a holiday overseas, go to a show, concert, cinema. However, for me its not all doom & gloom- after last time, last years imprisonment l'm prepared.  I've reverted back to last years routine of early up, stepping followed immediately by weight training. This in fact gives me a huge amount of energy & sets me up for the rest of the day.  For me thats the hard bits out the way. 

The rest of the day after breakfast is boring stuff like housework before settling down for crafting of some sort. I have a weekly trek to my support bubble to see my daughter & grandsons- something we/ l wasnt 'allowed' to do last time.  I was and actually still am quite excited about not 'having' to go to work as my life is so much more enriched when i'm off.

Whilst l dont have face to face conversations with anyone or any physical contact, l do have a great online virtual life full of supportive, 'chatty' people. Like minded stepping, lifting, caring people whom l 'connect' with everyday. And that for me is great for my mental well being. They make me feel wanted and apart of the wider community that we all actively belong too. 

In the real world, l still dont go out walking alone, something l really wish l could do, but anxiety, fear of being attacked, seeing 'dodgy' blokes- (this has happened before), being self conscious of being a lone female out wandering. I would and do go to the local shops armed with my mask or sheild & unlike last time am no longer fearful of 'being out amongst people'.  I still avoid and advisedly so avoid going into big shops where there are a lot of people, strangers- thats is my covid fear. I klnow where i've been, i know who l've had contact with but l dont know about others, so l avoid them & the hidden dangers.

One of my new past times is to catch up & watch tv usually as a background noise to me crafting rather than silence. I've begun watching the new series of 'Married at first sight Austrailia', l love it, find it addictive, full of drama, twists & turns. But its gets me thinking everytime- 'Would l do it???'.

And 'Yes i would'....l think!! I'm approaching a new age category one which is a major milestone for me. Age hasnt been an issue for me ever. Loved my 40's & 50's had great celebrations. However this year its gonna be different. Last year was my first ever alone birthday i settled for a crappy little cake from the local shop which had very little choice at the time. I had the best present of a bag of pasta from 1 of my 4 offspring- (l love pasta, had run out, there was a shortage)- & l got to see her from my doorstep.  This year we'd planned seeing a favortie show 'Moulin Rouge' the stage show in London as it was due to open the week of my 'big birthday'- like everything its been moved to the Autumn. The another idea was mentioned a spa break as l have never had or been to a spa. But thats not gonna happen either is it!!!

  But this age category is a biggy, its the other side of the peak the slight downhill side, mentally, physcially and generally. Due to my bad past l do feel l was robbed of all l have to give. I was a tactile, caring person. I liked sex....(yes l have just published that fact!!!). But that was all taken away & hasnt returned or even had a glimmer of re-awakening. And that for me is sad. I still have more l'd like to feel & give. I want to have fun, laugh, be happy, have company, have actual conversations again. I want share experiences with 'some one'...not 'just anyone' but a friend, some like minded. Who would actually care for me too.

So back to 'marrying at first sight' as i no longer and havent for many, many years been in a relationship. I go no where to meet any new people. I'm restricted now even more would l give it ago?? yeah l think l would because l've been there, done it, got the t-shirts. Dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, would like a male best friend- have always just wanted a male best friend to knock around with, spend time with, have company with, enjoy life with. Thats not to much to ask for is it?? l mean the expectations arent that high are they?? 

Could l live with some one again after so many years alone?? l dont know. Could l re-learn compromise, again l dont know. I think if you 'click' then compromise & caring come naturally dont they. Certainly makes me think. 

Certainly l have new space and time to think and ponder.