CHRISTMAS BLUES

 

We all know this years not been great in many ways. However i was looking forward to some 'family' time over the next 5 days. But that like our governments rules changes constantly. 

Collecting isolated elderly Mother whose spent the entire year hold up in her bungalow alone, depending on 2 neighbours for almost everything, i thought she'd & l would get to spend time with family members over 3 days of socialising.  She doesnt want to be alone Christmas day, but doesnt want to mix with alot of people. There is a risk from covid, there is a risk if she were left at home alone, her once fiercely independence stubborn side which has all but gone would get the better of her. She doesnt want to not see any of us until April, fears this is too long  in what has already been an epic time.  

However its now been decided but not set in concrete that she shouldnt see some family members instead spending only 1 day with family the rest hold up with me in my flat. But surely if others visit the family she's adviced not to see, then they come back to collect her to go home they're still putting her at risk of covid if nothing else. 

Im confused, im becoming cheesed off because what was once something to look forward too is fast becoming a situation where im wondering why we're even bothering at all, with all the expense & time generated to make things happen to be sat at home which i do every weekend anyway. 

How can 1 day create such angst. The organising, the planning, the expense, the stress, I'm already in the mindset of why have l bloody bothered, spending time & money  for what..??  Im deemed selfish for how its making me feel, but dont think my feelings come into it this year. Its all about whether Mother would survive another year so making it the a good one for her and i do get thqt. However if she's not going to get more than Christmas day out of it is it at all worth it?  It wont have given her the memories & joy she should get. 

Across the country this year the same scenario will be played out with people being 'banned' from seeing their flesh & blood because the powers that be have decided its not safe to do so. But surely a few hours with flesh & blood could create memories & joy which could last for months, providing a sense of worth living for momentum.  The alternative stay alone imprisoned, see no one, speak to no one, go no where & have a happy christmas, have a normal pointless day existing. Not living. 

Mentally that is scenario which is & will be so damaging to many ,many people. Not just elderly vulnerable people but to anyone living/ existing alone.  

I really dont know now what to expect, say or do for the best not just for me but for Mother too. But Mother is being thought about- her needs & feelings are being considered. Where as l will be seen as throwing my toys out the pram, when in my heart & head lm breaking & struggling.  That always present fear of losing out is very strong, being left behind. Makes me defensive, angry even, tearful. 

Pre-Christmas blues.

INSIGNIFICANT

 

End of term, isolation , readjustment which is always difficult. Takes a few days to unwind & get out of that work routine. No more early morning treks in pitch darkness with anxiety through the roof. Every morning stomping in the dark with ERIN chatting to me "you can do this, one more day". ERIN  my little mini me in my head who talks sense.

Term time 6 day weeks..mornings actually l finish just after lunch. There is very little conversation in work because lm the only female in my dept. because my colleagues are usually off teaching, the 'other one' is quite narcisistic. Then l come home to my safe haven where l live alone, conversations with the cats arent the same as a good old natter. My weekly visit to a daughters is always fruitful, chat, time with her & grandboys, a weekly catch up with a cousin whose always been the nearest l have to a sister, we chat facetime styly for hours, its great putting the world to rights.

I digress as always- Insignificant...for me ive always felt this, even from way back. Always at an incident, or experience or dealing with issues but from the outer perimeters, always in the back ground.  'Oh yeah, i was there, i remember' but no one had noticed me. In life now thats happening again, for me anyway. So every year at work 19 years, we've had a works xmas party, this year we were meant to be having 'bubble gatherings' but ive been told thats not happening now. I do suspect otherwise though, i suspect because lm a lone worker i dont fit into others bubbles, some 'others' i suspect have complained about having to mix their 'bubbles' so its been decided that l wont be included in any end of term year celebrations, socialising. And while i'll happily drink my gifted bottle of prosseco alone at home, i feel insignificant.  I know my dept boss appreciates me as does the other one, but the rest clearly dont give a toss.  And while l feel similiar its still hurtful- not emotional 'oh my god no one loves me' hurtful.  More like 'Cheers then!' pissed off hurtful. Which actually makes me get defensive and passive aggressive.  Do you know what l dont need them, l manage every day alone. I cope every day alone with my thoughts and feelings, with life and all it chucks at me and l have to say lve done a brilliant job mostly. Ive come through a mountain of 'stuff' which some would never believe, i pushed myself across boundaries, mental & physical ones, ive visited places, experienced allsorts of great stuff.  

However, i do still consider others- like l do at work, l consider how someone elses actions will impact on colleagues lve known for years. Yet im told i shouldnt be covering for them i shouldnt let others short comings effect me. If they want to be rude, inconsiderate humans that is not my problem and l shouldnt let it effect me and how l feel. But l have a conscience, i like being nice and considerate. I do get mugged off sometimes- alot actually. So should l change who l am, should l go in do my bit & totally ignore others short comings?? I dont think l can- i cant in all honesty turn a blind eye and say or do nothing.  Because if those who become impacted find out l knew all along they're going to think lm as bad as the perparator arent they?  Again am l over thinking it...i dont know.   Should l become insignificant and blend into the background quietly observing 'stuff', say and do nothing. 

As always l come on here, rant/ write and chat when im home alone for long periods of time, with only ERIN chatting to me. Its not even ranting, more waffling on about stuff that is probably insignificant to everyone else.

Its nigh on Christmas time, 2.5 weeks of no work, of time with family, of some family insults & controlling by others in my home, in my safe haven. Because letting it happen is easier than arguing & saying something to defend myself,  being insignificant, being weak? ...No l'm not weak, a mug maybe but not weak. 

Insignificant - the definition:- small, unimportant, meaningless.  Mmmm??? Im 5ft 2in so small, unimportant...yes to some. Meaningless....yes to some.  Others....are they unimportant to me....some are yes, are they meaningless to me...some are yes.

Does any of it matter?? Or is it INSIGINIFICANT.!!