We all know this years not been great in many ways. However i was looking forward to some 'family' time over the next 5 days. But that like our governments rules changes constantly.
Collecting isolated elderly Mother whose spent the entire year hold up in her bungalow alone, depending on 2 neighbours for almost everything, i thought she'd & l would get to spend time with family members over 3 days of socialising. She doesnt want to be alone Christmas day, but doesnt want to mix with alot of people. There is a risk from covid, there is a risk if she were left at home alone, her once fiercely independence stubborn side which has all but gone would get the better of her. She doesnt want to not see any of us until April, fears this is too long in what has already been an epic time.
However its now been decided but not set in concrete that she shouldnt see some family members instead spending only 1 day with family the rest hold up with me in my flat. But surely if others visit the family she's adviced not to see, then they come back to collect her to go home they're still putting her at risk of covid if nothing else.
Im confused, im becoming cheesed off because what was once something to look forward too is fast becoming a situation where im wondering why we're even bothering at all, with all the expense & time generated to make things happen to be sat at home which i do every weekend anyway.
How can 1 day create such angst. The organising, the planning, the expense, the stress, I'm already in the mindset of why have l bloody bothered, spending time & money for what..?? Im deemed selfish for how its making me feel, but dont think my feelings come into it this year. Its all about whether Mother would survive another year so making it the a good one for her and i do get thqt. However if she's not going to get more than Christmas day out of it is it at all worth it? It wont have given her the memories & joy she should get.
Across the country this year the same scenario will be played out with people being 'banned' from seeing their flesh & blood because the powers that be have decided its not safe to do so. But surely a few hours with flesh & blood could create memories & joy which could last for months, providing a sense of worth living for momentum. The alternative stay alone imprisoned, see no one, speak to no one, go no where & have a happy christmas, have a normal pointless day existing. Not living.
Mentally that is scenario which is & will be so damaging to many ,many people. Not just elderly vulnerable people but to anyone living/ existing alone.
I really dont know now what to expect, say or do for the best not just for me but for Mother too. But Mother is being thought about- her needs & feelings are being considered. Where as l will be seen as throwing my toys out the pram, when in my heart & head lm breaking & struggling. That always present fear of losing out is very strong, being left behind. Makes me defensive, angry even, tearful.
Pre-Christmas blues.
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