Not that long ago our UK government follwed on behind other countries like the sheep that it is & tried to ban women from wearing burkhas, in order to help the risk of terrorism. Shops also banned bikers from entering shops with helmets on & guys with hoodies were encouraged to remove the hood before entering so that everyone/ security cameras etc could see peoples faces, in the event that they did some thing dodgy.
Fast forward 5 months to post pandemic lockdown, the LAW now states that we HAVE to wear face coverings in all shops, banks, post offices, hospitals.!!! Wtf !!! As a glasses, 2 hearing aids wearing subject of the UK during the upcoming Autumnal/ Winter wet months of UK weather . With a hat & my mask on i will look like gangster & or the 3 wise monkeys!!! Cant see because glasses will steam up, cant hear because the microphone on hearing aids is covered by hat, cant be heard or speak clearly as my mouth will be covered & will be sweating profusely. I will however be "protecting others" from myself!!!
At the beginning of lockdown i was prevented from going "out, out", now that i am "allowed" out i dont really want to go, as the whole thought of going whilst trussed up to "protect others" is very stressful & makes me feel very anxious. Not everyone wears masks, not everyone cares. Trust me i do care & l "get" why they're needed but if l personally can avoid having to wear a mask then i will.
Of course i can shop online for most things these days. Except that is, if l want a food shop...as a loyal customer of one well known supermarket, i have been prevented from shopping online since lockdown as i am "not a priority" customer nor am l deemed vulnerable. So my years of spending with them have now ceased. Another well known supermarket jumped at the opportunity to offer "shopping for everyone" with 4 shops with free delivery. First shop was made 3 weeks before delivery using a credit card as l only have 1 monthly income!! All items delivered. Great. However, 2nd order can only be delivered at bedtime for free 10pm-11pm!!! i live in a block of 6 flats with elderly people, i also go to bed at 10pm. I cant really see me being a considerate neighbour if l agree to have my monthly shop delivered at this time. The alternative is to ask family if i do it in town, could one of them pick me up & bring me home, where i will hand bawl it up a flight of stairs.
Without available cash in our fast cashless society im stuck. i can order on credit card but when you're on furlough month wage which is £200 a month less than "normal" un-neccessary expense is not really an option.
Now that we're allowed out my anxiety has gone through the roof & i've lost my nerve to go out alone. Ive lost my sense of purpose too, i last worked 23rd March. I now do not know when i will return, if l have a job to return to, if l do have a job to return to how will it have changed, will l be in a different department. I suspect / assume i will return end of August - its now end of July as l write. I assume different regimes will be inplace ie how i do my job as a classroom/ workshop cleaner, what processes i will have to do . I will be returning after a 6 month break!!!
Six months- no work, no physical or verbal contact with any colleagues. When l last worked Spring had just emerged from the dulls of cold dark Winter months, i havent experienced the changes this year, the hayfever, the wearing of less clothes as the temperatures heated up. Well i have worn less clothes mainly because i lived in smart new pyjamas for the first months then shorts & vest tops. As the need to actually get dressed was taken away. I didnt leave the flat nor the block except for my once a week quick walk to local shop to get much inflated "essentials". I still dont venture far. A couple of treks (2 mile) walks over to my daughters to see her & the boys, to help her with her housework/ laundry moutain. My once a week shop in the little shop still happens. And fortnightly l have been venturing the 3 miles into town to do a shop with my sturdy shopping trolley, which once full weighs 20kgs, i then lug that back up the hill & stairs. Those are the only reasons i get dressed properly. i save on washing because i do not see the point in dressing differently every day to stop indoors with 3 cats. I see no one, no one visits so the neccessity isnt there.
Six months of the year have gone in a flash, i used to wake in the dark to jog on the spot for an hour every morning looking out at naked trees, as the months moved on the trees have become laden with leaves, all lush & green, the mornings have lightened the the evenings lengthened. Until the Solstice last month...the seasons have peaked & are now slowly going back to where l left them, by the time "normal" work like & purpose restarts the trees will begin shredding there coverings, i assuming lve a place to go will emerge having to cover up, wear clothes, wear shoes & even a jacket.
No wonder my heads mushed up, ive missed a chunk of the year from my head, from my being. The family life l had is no more, i cant see it ever going back to what it was, my job is no more not the way that it was, I dont like the not knowing, i dont like the changes that have been forced upon me. i dont like how my head is processing the changes, its thought processes. I dont like how with all the effort i've put in to keep myself physically fit & lose some weight, nothings really changed. Yes, i can now lift weights regularly, some inches have disappeared, shape has changed, scales have gone up due to muscle gain....im told!! But l look in the mirror & still see a pregnant buddha belly. Even in the depths of my rigid lockdown exercise regime of jogging 6-7am 7 days a weeks, FBW x 3 a week, jogging 8.30pm - 9.30pm 6 days a week there were no changes to be seen, only physical pain in the mornings before i recommenced. So whats the point of physically hurting myself if there are no results to show for it?? Whose going to see, whose going to comment on the changes??
There is no one here to see, to speak, no purpose, no point!! No certainty, no future plans, just unknowns.
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