Friday, 25 May 2012


Pull yourself together, ring me anytime, let it go over your head, that's the end of it now, talk to me.

These are all comments made to people who have 'a depressive episode'. Not just an off day, but real sunken, can't cope feelings. The depth of these feelings varies from person to person, from situation to situation. One persons low is not the same as anothers, but the desperate despair we feel probably is.

The isolated, lonely feeling- even though you are surrounded by people.

The tears from little trickles to monsoons which join forces with gut wrenching, heart breaking pain which leaves you puffy eyed and physically drained.

The IBS symptoms because some one has come to the door or phoned you.

The psychological reasons which make what you are feeling logical but you still feel them.  Feeling hurt, desperate, lonely, panicky etc doesn't stop you being intelligent enough to know you have a problem.  You know that group of people you're grieving over is irrational, but they represent a whole heap of things, its not them you're grieving over, its the memories they arouse, its the realisation that, that chapter in your life is going to end, it has to end to make way for the new exciting chapter that is about to start.  You know that. But you still feel stupid, like no one will under stand, no one will 'get it'.  Its not stupid, it doesn't make you stupid, the grief makes you feel stupid, which brings you down. Its OK to hurt, when something in your life that was/ is important to you, that you have a passion for, ends.

Everyone deals with these events differently, in their own way, there is no wrong or right way.

It all becomes a problem when it gets to much to handle alone. That's when the cry for help needs attention.

Very sadly, sometimes these cries go unheard, until it is to late.

You 'cant pull  yourself together' because you don't have the emotional strength, you don't know how, you don't know what to do.

You can't 'ring at anytime' because you feel you will disturb the helper, they didn't actually mean anytime, you don't want to put the helper out.

'Let it go over your head', stupid comments/ remarks that niggle at you, that play on your mind, when you are alone, that fester. You know they are pathetic, not important. But they're still there, they were still made.

'Thats the end of ot', you've had your tantrums, your tears, your alcohol infused hissy fit, 'get over it'.

Mentally when you're low, depressed, grieving etc you can not do any of these, you can not tell some one how low you feel, how you are hurting inside. You can hide in your home, or go away, or lose yourself to substances. But faced once more with reality you are back at square one.

You can not physically lift the phone to tell your boss you aren't coming in. Texting/ emailing helps, because you are not facing or hearing a real person. Just because you have no outward physical symptoms doesn't mean you are not ill, doesn't mean you are skiving off work.

At what point do you go and get help, do you venture into the outside in your unkempt puffy eyed state to face your GP or who ever helps you and say "l have a mental health  problem" ...HELP ME

Tuesday, 22 May 2012


What is the Freedom of Speech, according to Wikipedia, it is the concept of the inherent human right to voice one's opinion publicly without fear of censorship or punishment. "Speech" is not limited to public speaking and is generally taken to include other forms of expression. The right is preserved in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights and is granted formal recognition by the laws of most nations. ..............

So thats the official version. This is now MY version. I thought we in the UK have the right to our own opinions, to voice our own opinions, to tell 'it' how 'we' see it, in our own words.

Apparently, this is not the case.  If you sit on a public mode of transport, or in a local pub and bitch about the usual things work, the weather, what ever thats ok.  But if you write your joking opinion on a social networking site like Facebook with same friends you can get into trouble with your employers for making inapproriate comments.

Even though the anonymity of a complainent remains confidential, they have obviously discussed behind your back a situation in which your name has been mentioned and they have deemed offensive your comments. Thats ok, thats allowed.

Your privacy has been breached in order to investigate said allegations of offensive speech/ opinion, you have been topic of conversation, in derogatory terms no doubt, in order for a complaint to be made, but thats ok, thats allowed.

Even though you do not know the identity of the complainent or indeed their opinion of the situation in question, you can and will be reprimanded, because of what you wrote as a throw away, flippant remark- not a malicious, slanderous remark, no a sarcastic jovial remark.  Because you are on a public networking site most choose to be diploimatic when "chatting" they dont name names, they imply indirect comments, so between certain individuals can share things.

Yet again in my opinion, it is deemed that being an honest, open person will get you shit on from a great height, you will be told that your own honest opinions are wrong.

So l say in my own personal way why bother to be an honest, truthful, hardworking individual. Take on the attitude that will see you right, that of lying, cheating, blagging, bull shitting your way through life. Beg, steal, borrow to make an easy buck. Sit on your lazy arse, do nothing, live of others, milk the system, because all this appears to be the way to go these days.  And obviously people do not talk behind peoples backs, people do not discuss others away from them because that would be wrong- BULLSHIT!!

Most of us wont do this because we have a conscience, because we are honest, truthful, hardworking, genuine nice people, we are proud people, if asked something we anwser honestly. But is that wrong? Is that a common opinion?

Sunday, 6 May 2012


                                                 FRED & LILY

They say a picture speaks a thousand words and they're right- whoever 'they' are.

I became 'virtual friends' with fellow author and genealogist Smadar Belkind-Gerson  (author of Stored Treasures) when she 'posted' an article about her late relatives. What caught my eye was the photograph Smadar included with the article- it drew me in - to read it.  I was fascinated and always have been by old photography, particularly those of people from the past.

So when l received an out of the blue email from my cousin - son of my late Dads sister- l quickly opened it to reveal 2 'attachments'- photographs of my Grandad Fred - whom l met and have fond memories. And Fred's bride my Nan Lily- whom l have never met, and never ever seen until now. Lily is my Dads biological Mother who sadly died when he was just 7 - actually he was 6 as l have the burial records confirming that she died 5th July 1934, Dads birthday was 13th July.

The emailed pictures are of Fred & Lily on their wedding day October 1924, very smart and very happy.  Both are very, very nicely dressed so financially they were doing well, and had a good life back then. Fred looks so proud and tall. It is very sad to know that this happiness was short lived.  They went on to have by Dad in 1925 followed by my Aunt 2 years later.

The other photograph is a side shot of Lily again very smartly dressed- l see my Aunt in her and some of my Dads traits.

Smadar- said "New-old pictures are powerful" and boy was she right!  I was overwhelmed and emotional seeing these treasures.  'Meeting' Lily for the first time, there are no records in the family of her, my Aunt was just 5 and Dad nigh on 7 when they lost their Mother, my research and the little information l had found Lily  born in Calver, Derbys in 1896 in a very large family, which I've been able to trace back to 1841.  A side of Dads family and history l know nothing about.  Cousins I've never heard of nor met and l'm guessing there are alot of these still alive today.

I can't stop staring at these photos, studying them, particularly the wedding one.  Lily cradles a bouquet of chrysanthemums, so am guessing that they provided a splash of vibrant colour and perfume to her beautiful 1920's wedding dress.  Her long gloves, head dress and even the shoes are absolutely beautifully detailed.

Likewise Fred holds what looks like leather gloves and a bowler hat, his large hands crossed, posed for the picture - l remember those hands- large and strong like he was. I have those large knuckles. He looks so, so happy.

Its quite ironic that these photos should appear now - this week the week in which my youngest daughter found out that her unborn baby is a BOY and will be named Freddie after this happy proud man. It is a joy and confirmation that Freddie was meant to be. My daughter right from the early stages of pregnancy could not find suitable names other than Freddie- a family name. Lily was a possibility for the middle name of a girl.  Fred will be some one for the new Freddie to aspire to when he's 27 like his Great, Great Grandad is in the picture.

It feels like l have come full circle now, l have photos of both sets of Grand parents, any information beyond them is a bonus - and l do have a mass of information about their Grandparents, and their Grandparents back to 1538 in some cases. Especially on Freds side.  I 'know' who you all are now and that feels good.

Lily will never know how thrilled l am to have 'met' her.  I have loved her name and her choice of wedding flowers are among my favourites and actually she has my Dads familiar smile.  Her short loved life with the only Grandfather l ever met has inspired me to find her family- once again- the side of my Dads family we never knew, but had heard snippets of.

Lily- l feel your pictures will open up new chapters in my life and l hope if you're up there with Fred and Dad looking down on my life you would be proud and happy for me - your Grand-daughter, my 4 adult children and your 3.5  Great Great Grandchildren.  They like me would have loved you.

The emotions and feelings stirred up through my encounter, my epic meeting with the Grand-mother l have yearned to 'meet' for so many years are themselves indescribable.

A picture not only speaks a thousands words it creates the power of a thousand emotions.