VENTURING OUT....

 I bit the bullet  yesterday & broke my social hiatus.

Something thats been on hold for about 7 years following an unsavoury incident, in a town pub which totally floored me. I stopped drinking....not a bad thing. But i was no longer able to go 'out,out'.  Ive had many invites from work colleagues to 'in town' events but lose my nerve, become paralysed by fear of reoccurrence. I always need to feel 'safe'. This follows on from the 'incident' also abusive relationships. Whilst physical scares heal & fade mental ones do not. They may fade temporarily into the abyss of your mind but any slight reminder, a song, a place, a smell, raised voices & BAM!! you're right back there.

During 'lockdown' i like many others im sure had time to reflect, time to learn about ourselves. l like my own company, l love my family, my 4 adult 'children', my gorgeous 7 grandchildren, but l want more. Im lucky to have a stable secure job which l enjoy...most of the time!! I have a few years to go before l can retire and have the freedom lockdown afforded me. So l bit the bullett & joined a local friendship group, which a lovely guy, new to the town created, because he moved here just as lockdown kicked in, so was unable to go out & mingle. He bravely reached out to the 'locals' & was overwhelmed by offers of friendship, local knowledge etc. He's since realised that 'our town' is full of like minded lonely, lost people.  Some are born & bred here, some like many & me are 'outsiders' who have moved here, been established for many years but have outgrown, moved on from our own friendship circles.  Life has gotten in the way of socialising with those we already know & love. Whilst we will never lose the bond we have with those close to us we none the less fail to see & connect with them like we used to. Dont get me wrong l have a handful of amazing friends whom l love dearly, if we bumped into each other in the street we would instantly pic up from where we left off, we know each other that well.  But l want more, l want new, l want future, l want to rekindle my life. 

I hit the big 60 next year & whilst l like my solo life l dont want to spend the last years/ decades of my life alone. l want a preferably a male best friend, companion, partner, mate.  Some one to go for meals with, go for treks in the hills with...some one who drives to get us to the hills in the first place ...lol.  Some one who will walk with me along quiet beaches. A great like minded female friend would be cool too...some one l can natter to, craft with, knit & natter, stitch & bitch with. Its not about sex or 'making lurve'!! that if it were to happen is a bonus...(with the guys not the girls!!)

So l plucked up the courage & agreed to go to the LLaN group meeting at a local golf club, l committed to going by arranging to meet a couple of other ladies so we could all walk in together, that way l couldnt talk myself out of it. I had to go because they couldnt contact me so wouldve wondered where l was.  And 60-70 people also turned up, all ages, mostly women, all in the same boat, all living in the varying parts of town but feeling 'Lost, lonely or New'. We all went as strangers & made a handful of new friends each. Because of current restrictions about interacting in masses we did have to stick to small 4-5 people tables which is a shame. But means 'next big meet' we can move around & meet yet more 'new' friends. It was relaxed, enjoyable, lovely venue, great host in the guy who made it happen...that guy who moved here 5 months ago & knew no one, now knows & is the reason over 700 people now belong to the group...Wow...how amazing is that. 

I was very aware that l chatted alot...(sorry), its what l do when l actually get some one to actually talk to, l talk incessantly.  However l obviously didnt scare people off as a couple of ladies from this big meet & l will meet up again this evening with yet more newbies in a closer pub. There could be 7 of us which is lovely, as small is not intimidating. We all live with in walking distance of the venue which we could all go to anytime...but not alone...not at the moment anyway. For me it is about meeting new people but its also about checking out this established venue, which now has new owners/ landlords, if l like it & feel comfortable l would go there alone again. And thats what l want to be able to do. I dont want to go & be 'hit' on by sleazy males, l want to be able to go out locally, safely & have a meal or a drink on my own without feeling like an oddity or a 'loner'. Having company is good but if it doesnt happen thats ok too. ...the likelihood that it wont happen is slim at this stage now. I think this venue could be good to go to for a coffee & natter...l hope so. 

How did all this happen???   Well my gorgeous well established 'virtual friends' from 'my' fitness group have encouraged & supported me. They've helped me believe in me, have faith in me. Taught me to listen to 'ERIN'...her in my head who talks sense. 

So, watch this space...nothing ventured, nothing gained right? .......

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NOT FEELING IT.....

 

• Its been 7 days since i returned, but today im just not feeling it. 

Dont know if its a 'pmpmt' low, if its weather related or just bleurgh low, where everythings become reality & the adjustment to mind, body & soul is in full swing. From 5 months of do what i want when i want structured routine, to paid do what l have to structured routine. And yes l do seriously like boring routine, but think my body & mind is going to take alittle longer to catch up.  

I did my FBW yesterday, after some heavy grafting, wanted it done & out the way as soon as l got in, then tried to relax with a bath afterwards. But relaxation is also something which is taking a hit. Woke aching & very stiff this morning & just feeling 'meh'!! I'm working alone this week which is fine, as l just crack on, radio on & just get on with the task in hand. 

Another adjustment is my food timetable which l think could also be contributing to todays low- is my low, tiredness & lack of energy due to grafting again, low protein & carbs in take. My calories are the same but the output is now higher. So many adjustments being made right now. Am guessing by the time term starts properly mind, body & soul will know what its doing again. Having said that the restoration period will have ended so another timetabled routine will be commencing- thats if the timetable has been sorted out properly....this usually takes until October- 6 weeks to kick in properly. Then it will be half term & time off mode again...& so begins the school annual regime, familiarity.  Of course since lockdown the 'New norm' will be place - wonder how different the regime will be??!

My 'new' way of thinking is beginning to emerge too. Due to all my brood being in established happy family units of their own, my role/ job as Mum has changed. Abit like my role/ job as 'just a cleaner'  a Mums role is never over- nor should it be, its a lifetime role, it does become less nurturing and productive, more side line observation. With a sub role of Nannie taking its place.  My role at work is not that of 'just a cleaner' but an assistant- jack of all trades. My role of Mum is reverting back to role of 'Me'- planning my future, wanting to make new friends with new life interests, looking for people a person to share 'stuff' with. Is it a new role or more a new chapter in my life.  

Five months of alone lock up has changed me, certainly mentally.  Think l became selfish or as l learned from a wise advicer 'Not selfish- self First'. Think we all have to eventually become 'self first' to survive life. Is it a bad thing? no, l dont think so. Its what makes us happy...hopefully. 

So from feeling 'meh' and low i'm now a deep thinker looking forward to what lies ahead , l dont know what that is.  Nor do l fear it, which is unusual  for me, as l 'normally' have a fear of the unknown. But i dont know what there is to fear. I do know i want things to change, not change drastically, but improve should l say- i want more in my life. I have 4 great adult children, 7 gorgeous grandchildren- i know im greedy & very lucky. I have a long standing job with a few more years to do before i get to experience the freedoms of the last 5 months, albeit differently by then. But l never intended to be alone for the rest of my life, so now that the opportunity to make new friends has presented itself ,  l need to grab it & make it fit my current existence. And find a structured timetable that allows for these new extras. 

So my low becomes a high....not a mega one but a comfortable sustainable one. 

   

•  

RESTORATION

 What a week its been for mind body & soul.  

Finally the return to work happened, the predicted return meeting also happened. The nerves & anxiety were unsurprisingly ok...course they were!! Why do we wind ourselves up??

Day 1 was spent analysing my the task ahead to restore a department after 5 months of neglect, challenge on. Whilst l may be 'just a cleaner/ assistant' i do like the challenge of restoring organised order.  Days 2, 3 & 4 were spent grafting little bits at a time. Little areas at a time, chipping away the neglect back to former glory- cleanliness.  A workshop environment is never going to be pristine but can still be deemed relatively dust free....albeit until term starts & the hustle & bustle of creativity resumes in abundance.

Of course the symbolic gesture of cleaning is psychologically seen as taking back control & thats what ive been doing- i have 3/4 weeks to replant my stamp on what i class as ' my baby', ive been there so long, so have become protective & proud of the departments look. Ive often had parents compliment me on how clean the workshop is, it takes some doing to keep up appearances, i hasten to add. 

Mentally, this week ive gone from anxious, nervous, to very content, confident even. The weather kind of played ball in that it was sunny which is always a bonus. The walks into & from work early morning are fresh & lovely, peaceful. At one with nature, hearing the early birds, seeing squirrels scurring around. Listening to rustling trees. 

The weather was a major talking point as Wednesday temperature went through the roof into space- In my living room at 3pm it was a blistering 31c. My poor cats did not know what to do with themselves. Even for me walking home at 1pm to the local shop, the air hit me as i left with shopping, very like stepping off of a plane in Crete. Overwhelming, airless, made for uncomfortable struggle. Getting home wasnt much better, other than being able to undress to vest & shorts, fling doors, window open & blast fan on. I & the rest of the country must have sweated gallons.  So much so its now Saturday & hasnt stopped raining......all that moisture evaporated to be transformed into copious amount of rain water now. 

Im proud to add that i kept up with my FBW despite the heat. l also conquered a lone walk up an isolated country lane through a field with cows & frisky bull. Something ive wanted to do for ages but anxiety always prevents such jaunts. But i did it. The walk from one turnstyle to the other seems like a never ending swim, you can see the end but it takes for ever to reach...but I did it. Was so chuffed with myself & its such a lovely walk...was cool under the tree canopy that runs alongside the golf course & stream. 

I did wake this morning after another restless warm sleep feeling alittle like l'd been hit with a truck, but once the WD40 within my joints kicks in i cracked on with restoring my flat to its former glory having been left over the week to concentrate on work. My head at the beginning had been full of plans on how l was going to achieve & conquer my quest. Todays conqering was just normal housework which in a 1 bed flat takes no time at all, the result is a fragrant abode ready for me to totally relax in tomorrow- Sunday officially a day of rest!!! Ready to recommence the Dept restoration challenge on Monday. 

As much as ive kind of enjoyed being 'locked up' for 5 months without work - my pre-reitrement trial. I do love a routine, getting up at a set time, set clothes, boring routine some may say, but it organised structure for me & lm good with that. It makes for a calm existence, i know what im doing when, i know how much time i'll have to do what i want after ive done what i get paid to do. Or course going in early helps as im then free for most of the afternoons- so its all a good balance. Admittedly this week i did come home & just sit & do nothing most days - (usual boring stuff wash up make tea) doesnt count as activity in my book. 

Despite the lack of physical company & actual conversations with real face to face people, i have kept very calm & happy- tired due to being too hot to sleep. But the 5 months isolated 'lock up time' allowed me to become accustomed to my own company & lack of actual contact. And i've been surprisingly really ok with it. What was many years ago a huge fear i had of being ' alone', i actually relish it. 

So being restored to the 'new norm' of having to stay in 'work bubbles' ie in our own depts. is suiting the 'new me'.  Whilst i may be restoring work back to where it came from im an not restoring me backwards- i am firmly going forwards with the contented, calm, confident me. 

THE RETURN - part 3...day before!!!

 So l've been doing trial runs, getting up with alarm early then leaving for a quick walk around the block when im due to walk to work.

For those who have "had the call" l highly recommend doing a trial run, to get your mind & body prepped to go back. Whilst im nervous , anxious even,we have thunderstorms imminent over the next 4 days- of course we do!!  which l dont want to be out walking in. Hate them at the best of times, they are however taking my mind off going back to work. Am more worried about them than going back.

From what l gather there wont be many of us back - 3 weeks before pupils are due back, however colleague i work with is going to come in for a catch up. Will take the 4 predicted stormy days to get back into the swing of things. 

 Such alot to think about going back after 5 months, have l said this already- l dont know cant remember. What clothes to wear, what shoes to wear. Having a kind of work uniform makes that easier & the imminent wet storms will also sort out the shoes/ coat dilemna too.  But when you've been in comfy trainers, flip flops for 5 months, havent been out -out in rough weather it does take some thinking about.  Even the prepping of these things is nerve wracking & not doing my anxiety any good at all.

I know l wont be the only person to go through this & lm guessing by the end of the first 4 days in things will "feel normal" again very quickly. I really do not want to go back to old habits & routines if possible. Ive changed, everythings changed, so going backwards isnt an option really.

The positives, cos everyone says you have to look for those little beauties dont they. Well, obviously back to full pay - always a major thing to be positive about, the great location of where i work- the surroundings are fabulous, nature inspired, green playing fields, hills in the distance, the walk to & from work- good for mind & body, the routine/ structure of the day, weeks & months- termly is always a good thing. As you have a purpose & goal- 6 week slots. Small stints like that are great as seem more do-able. The changing seasons i'll finally get to experience this year- Autumn is always a favorite mix of sun & cold, with the most glorious colours- my favorites always.

I did some prep work earlier this morning, but just doing that, trivial little things made my anxiety hit the roof, i was faffing. My stomach had a swarm of butterflies, my heart was racing!! Ffs...its ridiculous im in the safety of my home still, this wont be happening until the morning. "Her in my head" who talks sense is telling me to stop being stupid, calm the f... down!!  I feel light headed. STOP....go get some lunch, sit for 5 mins, keep calm. Write on here get it out there, out ya system. Then spend the afternoon colouring. Ive a facetime natter due with my cousin which is always a good 2 hour chart session so that'll sort me out.  Ive just seen a 'virtual friends' anxiety busting achievement which is just amazing so proud of her. Yet im flapping about going somewhere i know, with people ive known for years. 

Get a grip....im not going to the bloody moon....im returning to work, where they pay me to do stuff, ive been there nigh on 19 yrs....Get a grip, get it done, it will all be ok in the end.......And tomorrow when l get home i'll feel great, because it wont have been as bad as l think its going to be, then "her in my head" will say 'See, told you not to be so stupid'. 

Anxiety....do one!!!

THE RETURN ...part 2

So following on from yesterdays call, ive had time to digest the thought of returning to working life. 

And have to say its quite overwhelming, in the 5 months ive been off, ive changed, my life has changed, the whole world has changed.  There is so much to think about to prepare for 6 days times.

Reset my clock, the alarm, reset my eating food routine- mealtimes have changed, what i eat has changed.  My activity.  No more following live full body workout timetable, will have to fit it in after work in the afternoons/ evenings. 

Need to check work clothes, go back to wearing proper shoes/ footwear, no more jamma days, no more slippers/ flip flops & shorts. Will my work clothes still fit, do l want to wear the same drab set of clothes again. ?!! Wearing a coat again. 

Since lockdown i got in the habit-  its a weird one i know, but i refused to wear black underwear & black socks. I put those away & began wearing white & colours & only homemade knitted socks.  I stopped wearing make up, i stopped using deodorant- skanky i know, but i wasnt in contact with other people so didnt 'need' to do these things. There is a difference between 'having to ' do/ wear something and 'needing / wanting to'. And i chose not to. I gave my body, mind & skin a breather from chemicals.  

Ive had to think alot today about what ' i will need' to do in order to return to the work place. I will make lists & start the 'new work routine/ timetable' tomorrow giving myself mentally & physically time to adjust. Getting woken by an alarm not the daylight & neighbours. Get up, get washed, pee, daily weigh in, get dressed, hair, make up, make bed. Make breakfast, feed cats, make packed lunch, pack work bag, leave house an hour after waking in order to walk casually - calmly into the work place in order to start my 'routine' on time. Fortunately the pupils & term time doesnt start for another 4 weeks but still there will im sure be meetings, new things to think about. New regimes. New products.

 Old things to clear up from being left stagnant for 5 months, 5 months of now dead bugs who've being partying in my absence!!  New people may be. 

Experiencing the seasons again, 5 months worth have been missed & only witnessed through glass. When all this began is was the start of Spring & the world was emerging from the dark Winter months, the trees were naked, now they're in full bloom, heavily laden with leaves which as i return into the world of work will slowly begin to start shredding & dropping, changing into the glorious Autumnal colours. 

I hope that what normally happens within a week of being back at work that the old complacencies, dont just fall back into place. Im different, the world is different- i need to stay fresh & new & aware of the differences. I want fresh new ways - if l have to go back to this working life. i want to feel excited & encouraged to be back, i want to want to be there- not counting down the years to when i can stop doing it & stop that routine again. 

Ive liked this pre-retirement lockdown period, ive learned alot about myself, ive adjusted & coped/ dealt with the trials its thrown at me- 3 deaths, living alone with no physcial contact no physcial conversations, made a lot of virtual friends whom i now treasure as 'actual' friends. They were / are safe people. Life was/ is safe when you're in a locked up environment on your own.  Like being a prisoner really but you do have choices & some freedoms!! 

Am sure my brain will stay in overdrive until next week & D-day.  Trial runs will commence tomorrow to get me in the right mindset. .....

D-DAY ...THE RETURN

So its finally happened, i recieved the call from work to say i am to return in 7 days time.

Wow,...initial reaction- blind panic, tears, hearts pounding- Oh shit!! 

Its good to know i still have a job with good pay, good time off, somewhere i've been for 19 years.  Yet ive been off for 5 months so much in life has changed, throughout the world not just for me.  But this is me dealing/ coping with stuff so this piece is all about me & my feelings, thoughts, reactions.

A few hours after the call im still feeling very nervous/ anxious, hearts still racing, i feel physically & emotionally sick.  It doesnt help that i had a rough night with 2 year old grandson, so sleep deprivation is probably making things feel worse than they are and will be.

On the plus side i'll be back to full money, be with people, how will those people be, will they feel like l do?  How will the actual work have changed & will be like from September & the new school year.  Which feels really odd as when i left we had just left behind Winter & now as l return we begin to re- enter that time of year. In the blink of an eye how things have changed. I've/ we've lost half a year whih hasnt been experienced.  Where i work i get to experience the seasons & year changes through nature, but this year that hasnt happened.  It feels like i've been in a coma where life happened behind me.

I have 7 days now to prepare my mind, my clothes, my life to fit back around the world of work. Having had no contact with any of my colleagues has been very odd & lonely, time. Everyone deals/ copes with situations in their own way. Going back where life hasnt stopped completely will be very strange.

My head is just confused  about the whole thing. I guess next week will see some more changes- no longer will l be seeing my family on a daily basis like "we did before" the world stopped, l will begin a new way of work a new way of life, a new routine, a new way of being.

For now l need to enjoy whats left of my non working life & routines- because l do not know when l will experience this type of life again.......