COVID not COVID Situation

So today is day 4 of my battle with what l believed to be the dreaded Covid.  

Only to be told that because l haven't done an actual test nor got a positive result that its probably a classic "viral infection". 

Feeling like about of a fraud to be honest. As all the symptoms I've had and still have some ongoing. However l do admit to checking back in my journal to events of the end of January when l developed my first illness of the year. What l thought was a cough caused by air pollution in the department l work in, due to lack of extraction and ppe.  Could infact have been the start of the infection as alongside the school incident was more mental stress created by another of many falls by my elderly mother. I'm not blaming her at all before anyone jumps down my throat. But she's very elderly, independent woman whose been prone to a numerous falls recently,and which continue. 

So l receive or read a message usually whilst eating breakfast to say mums had a fall, usually in the early hours of the morning. I calm myself from initial panic, then make the call back to establish whats happened. Usually nothing. But my body immediately goes into fight mode heart racing, bowel movements resulting in quick loo visit. Even when l know things - Mum is ok and safe my head goes into overdrive, what do l need to do, who do l need to notify etc. = Stress!!!

End of January l got a call about Mum following the work incident. Today I was advised to contact the Covid line to report my symptoms to be told because l havent actually tested it would be recorded as a respiratory infection!!  

So I decided to phone doctors back and request antibiotics as l want whatever the "virus" is to buggar off as its affected my taste, smell, already compromised hearing loss and general well being.  To be told no antibiotics just carry on resting, vitamin C and drinking. 

Having decided on a vegetarian diet from now on due to high blood pressure again stress related and high cholesterol was told to carry on what lm already doing. And that the "virus" was probably caused by low immunity at a time l was Stressed. 

Just last weekend l went to finally visit Mum in hospital where she'd been for nearly week, unable to visit before due to work and lack of transport = feelings of guilt that she was in hospital again- with no belongings and no visitors. Me physical feelings of being unwell started again Friday- l saw her Saturday, Sunday evening Covid not Covid kicked in good and proper. Monday felt rough as hell, Tuesday tried to start fighting it. Weds- told Mum who lives in a different county to me- was being sent home again. She was sent  home escorted by paramedics to hygiene incident and frailty issues- on Thursday afternoon. Wednesday night l hardly slept, cried a lot, felt physically crap, achy, bunked up, exhausted generally crap. Thurs- online shop arrived with my recovery foods- fruit, lucozade and red wine!! Thursday night went to bed late 11pm after a small glass of red wine- slept right through until 6am this morning !! Wahoo!! No painful coughing, no stress, good peaceful sleep. 

So it appears to be stress related illness again is this going to be repeated continually until my elderly mother decides to actually spend her money on appropriate care to allow her to remain in her own home that she wants to remain in independently for her remaining short years.....to be continued

But yes probably is the answer which makes me feel annoyed to be honest. I know my adult children, daughters particularly carry a lot of the caring worries with them. Even they have had enough of the constant Mum/ Nan falls, stress phone call, re arranged child care lives, drives over to other county which involves cost of fuel etc £40 at least each trip. The mental toll on them on me is becoming too much. My health is suffering lot as a result and its not bloody fair as they say too its selfish and taking the mickey now to expect that we should and actually do put ourselves out to help and repeat the same things now. When the easy solution would be to be safe in a residential home being fed, safe, looked after in the company of other people the same age. Thats what l want l do not want my kids going through this with me. 

I wonder how many hundreds - thousands of other people go through this stressful viral infection laden process - situation because their parents have entered the last chapters of their lives?? It will happen to all of us but it is so bloody hard mentally and physcially.

My covid not covid means lve missed a whole week off work in term time, l don't do that, in 21 years of being there l don't think l've ever done that, actually maybe only twice broken toes & polyp removal. But am l going to be frowned upon when l go back are 'they' going to mark my card as one to watch?? Ive only 3 years to go to retirement. Its another worry to be honest.

THE NEXT STAGE- CONFLICTING THOUGHTS

 It's been a while since l took to here to air my thoughts and feelings. But as in all living things have moved on & changed.

Roles have reversed- my elderly mother fiercely stubborn & independent has become a frail old lady, reliant upon my adult children and me to help her with the many falls and incidents she's been having since July 2022.  

I've become the parent or at least because of my hearing loss disability my youngest daughter 30 has, she's previous experience of caring. While l do care for my Mum we've never had a brilliant relationship.  

I am not a natural old people carer, give me stroppy teenagers and children and l can deal with them. Oldies are not my thing, never have been never will be. 

But lm in conflict as her daughter l want her to be safe and happy.  l have my life here in a different county, l don't drive and am reliant on my adult children to drive me to mum or use public transport which takes 4 hours by bus just to get there- so not a journey that can be done in a day. It also costs- £40 per journey by train or bus- extra money l don't have.  My age lm over 60 now so my body objects to overdoing it.  These are not excuses they are genuine reasons. My own health is now at risk as a result of the stress which has been caused.  The relationship with my children, my youngest inparticular has changed, she wants and see that things for mum should be done immediately and in a certain way. But the fact is life and the system that is social care has its own agenda and rules.

If mum lived locally, we as my family of 5 would be able to fetch and carry for mum all the time and would gladly do it. Juggling work, home, and her to meet her needs.

But what do we do? Without a power of attorney and mums consent our hands are tied. Unless she agrees to what we see as the best option there is nothing we can do.

Just yesterday she was re-admitted to hospital at 1am, we were told. l don't drive and we were all at work or tied by childcare as its half term. So mums taken to hospital presumably in her pyjamas, no other belongings. She still there now and will remain there until a relevant care package for her can be put in place for her to return home to carry on her independent living. None of us can get firstly to her house to get her clothes, before going a further 10-20 miles to the hospital to give them to her. 

l do genuinely feel bad that she has no visitors or belongings with her but what can l do?? 

l do have a brother but he hasn't bothered for years, he wrote to her on her birthday in October with some hint of mental health problems but hasn't messaged me to ask how she is . He sent her a xmas card didn't ask how she was. His step daughter is disgusted how he's neglected her but has she done anything different  No!!  Sounds really mean and my daughter says its the wrong thing to do. But when she's passed l may message him and say "oh by the way mum passed" after the event of the funeral. Yes that's harsh but why the hell should l put myself out for someone who clearly doesn't give a monkeys. Despite numerous requests/ demands for help. 

I rant on here as there's no one to talk to, to rant too, l live alone. My adult kids rightly so have their own families and lives. And so l pour my heart and soul out on here. 

To be continued ...................