Life Began

 

Thirty Eight years ago today, l gave birth to my first child, a little girl.  I had a quick labour & a tiny little bundle. I remember looking down at her during my time alone with her on the ward thinking 'i'm have to different now, life will be different now, l'm responsible for keeping my precious little bundle safe for life'.  

I dressed her in pretty frilly clothes & my role as a mum began. It wasnt easy no parenting role every is. There are no books to tell you how you will feel, about the sleep deprivation- l lie there are books about that. But they dont tell you how to cope/ deal with the lack of sleep, the whole massive changes that occur. 

I t has always amazed me how first babies survive, because its trial & error. You read when you have time books & pamphlets, you listen to advise from other mums, other women, But they do survive & so do you. ...I survived l went on to have another 3 babies.

   And now 38 years later l am alone re-thinking, remermniscing. I can recall every last detail, the journey to the hospital, my then husbands words, the sterile yet stark military maternity hospital- old cold, stone building. I remember being asked my name & address, date of birth whilst contracting- why do they do that?? I remember thinking why dont you ask my husband i'm in pain, l;m shaking with nervous. I'm thinking this is it this is the time ive been waiting for. I remember being seated in a wheel chair, taken to a side room to prepare for the imminent arrival- the enaema, the shaving of the nether regions, having a bath with only 2- 3in of water, of throwing up into a cardboard bowl, whilst sitting in the bath!!! I remember, laying flat on my back, of pushing so hard l thought my neck would burst. Of pushing, pushing, being cut- being told to 'STOP- your baby has its cord around its neck, which was swiftly removed, then the surprise of being told l/ we had a daughter ...( you didnt find out back then what you were having).  I remember being taken to a ward with other new Mums & babies, it was the early hours, l was so tired, the plastic crib, on wheels was placed next to me- fully stocked with every thing l needed. Then l was left. I probably did sleep, my head was probably shot to pieces, buzzing, with a mixture of thoughts. 

I remember the hands on lessons from the nurses- helping me  to bath my pink bundle, helping me to feed her- breastfed....for 2 wks anyway.  I remember hobbling gingerly into the breakfast room of the cooked breakfast- miniscule portion- 1 slice of bacon, 1 sausage, tiny portion of beans...just incase l was sick- aftermath of gas & air & pethidine. I remember having my taste buds return actually tasting the flavours for the food. I remember feeling secure in the hospital- l was there for a week - which was standard back then.  Then when we were allowed home having to start again- establish a new routine alone with no safety net of nurses. 

We had visitors which was overwhelming- l remember feeling relieved when my husband went back to work- Yes l was nervous, unsure, had no clue how to do 'everything'. I was in a second floor flat, without a lift. I did get a bout of post natal depression which manifested over the Christmas period & was picked up 4 months after my baby had arrived. 

Thirty Eight years on l have 4 adult children & 7 grandchildren- yet it feels like yesterday, so much has happened, i've experienced untold amounts of trials, tribulations, tears, tantrums, abuse, lots of highs. I've experienced Life in all its glory.

I never thought it would be like this 38 years ago. I dont think any of us think about how life will be this far ahead, back when we're about to bring new life into the world. I knew l always wanted 4 children, l knew l wanted to be a stay at home Mum, not a career mum. My career was my children. I didnt think back then i'd get divorced & become a lone parent with 2 children, move away from family & friends to start again alone. But l did. Like the song goes ' what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'. I grew stronger on my own. I had no choice. It wasnt easy, l cried copious amounts of tears. I was scared. But l did it. 

Four years later l think it was l'd met no. 2, my soul mate - (huh)!!! we had my third baby & we moved a while after. We were happy, we had a lovely little house & sealed our little family unit with no. 4 baby- i knew what l was doing by then. I could run a home & raise 4 children. I didnt plan on doing all of it alone- but the soul mate turned into my worst enemy overnight, the bubble burst- my bubble burst & my life- changed again- massively for all of us. The fear of having to raise 4 children alone was terrifying. But l did it. 

I even briefly found happiness & enjoyable life again. Made the biggest mistake of my life by believing a new life elsewhere would be good & upsticks & moved us again- albeit for a year. My year of absolute hell. But l did quickly regained my senses & moved back to the security & support of my friends. However- this is about the day l gave birth to my first born, my little pink bundle of joy. 

She was a teenager, she'd changed, she had been changed earlier, she had been manipulated by others, she'd been damaged & my heart just kept on being broken, l fought physically & mentally to keep her, to protect her, l'd failed.  I lost her- she didnt die- but she did leave. The apron strings were well & truly severed & l had to let her go. I was told she'd come back at various stages, at various ages, but she never has. If anything she is further away than ever, l cling on by my finger tips with hope that one day, my little baby will come back because she needs me, like she did 38 years ago. 

As today draws to a close, l hold on to the glimmer of tiny light knowing tomorrow l will see her for an hour as she visits to collect her present & card. She will hug me & tell me she loves me but she will leave & return to a life l cant bare to think about. A life l have no hold over. I keep the light going & l will one day jump back into the role of her Mum because she will one day need me again, to nurture her, to help & guide her.

 Until then ...l will always love her & always wish her a Happy Birthday. 

MENTAL HEALTH...we all have it

 Theres been a lot of posts and chat this week, yesterday in particular as it was "Mental Health Awareness Day", so l thought i'd put my spin on it.

While l've only been told officially by a doctor a couple of times that l have a mental health problem & at those times was prescribed 'happy pills' l do genuinely believe l have some 'issues' which are mental health related.

I think l have what is called 'Social Anxiety' because l find it sometimes impossible to interact with real people in the real world. I can fly alone to foreign countries but going 'out,out' locally l find hard. I've put off going to invited functions because l cant physically get out the door. I want to go, l know when im there l'll have had a good time.  But getting out the door and walking alone to the venue...nah!! Going abroad, ive paid a lot, l've planned, l've booked, my flight etc so l've made that commitment. When l get there the beauty of the surroundings makes it all worth it. I dont 'have to' interact with anyone, l can & do please myself, so there's no pressure. The first days of going all inclusive are nerve wracking - going to the restaurant alone, not knowing the routine, the 'procedure' is nerve wracking . But no one knows me so if l make a fool of myself theres no one to judge me, if they do judge ...who are they anyway....no one l know, so it doesnt matter. 

Yet here and now thats a different thing, l know people, they know me, they see me, they could & some might actually judge me. My inner voice (ERIN- her in my head) she doesnt call me names, she doesnt tell me i'm stupid, she's confident, she talks sense, she encourages me to do things l'd shy away from, she tells me "just do it, for gods sake!". She tells me to stop faffing. She's in 'control' of my mental health. 

What is mental health anyway? is it how we feel, our emotions, our senses? Our physiological response to 'bad stuff', traumas, life events?? If so then yes l have a mental health problem, l am who l am, l react the way l do because of my past- my past adult abuse- being raped, being beaten, losing babies, losing my Dad, losing friendships, being lied to, being gulible, being niave to life. Any thing can 'trigger' a reaction, a memory, 'that moment when...' a song, a smell, some one elses experience of a similar trauma can all 'trigger' my mental health reaction. 

My mental health can make me feel anxious, angry, sad, lonely, unheard, alone....different from being lonely.  It can also make me feel wise, determined, knowledgeable, revengeful even. And yes it - my mental health can drop me slowly into a black hole, that black hole of despair, of no hope, of no point, of no way back. the black hole aka as Depression.

For me, ERIN who is strong & wise talks me out of the hole.  When l was given 'happy pills' the first time l was officially told l had, had a break down & had a mental health issue, that was the time l 'felt a failure' having to have pills to control my feelings, to stop the spiral into the black hole, into the abyss of no going back. I even laughed at myself for having failed to 'sort myself out', for not recognising that i'd had a 'mental wobble'. Even when l returned to work & told colleagues l'd had a breakdown l was told 'oh it wasnt a proper breakdown'!!! What??!!  What is a breakdown, a mental wobble to one person can manifest itself in so many ways in others- addiction to drink, drugs, cleaning, eating, self harming, crying, isolation, suicide.....ALL of these are cries for help, cries for a little more love, a little more attention. 

Who are we to judge anyone, how they feel & react to life, to their traumas. In todays society we tend to stick labels on everyone and everything. So l can be labeled as a survivor of Domestic Violence, i'm a victim of abuse of rape & sexual assault, ive been mentally controlled, l've got PTSD, l've got Social Anxiety. Ive got mental health issues.

But .....I am still me......