REVIEW DAY- into the Unknown......

 The alarm went off to awaken me from the weekend into a new week.  I turned it off & went back to sleep, well my eyes did- my brain was Erin was talking to me, guilt tripping me for not getting out of bed to step like l've done for the past few weeks.

I got up nearly and hour later, didnt step, made my tea, got my water turned on the computer ready to 'watch' the daily workout- which normally l would be doing alongside my virtual company of fellow exercisers.  However day l really am not feeling it, so instead l got my breakfast & watched.

Today, the Prime Minister reviews this third Lockdown, today my employer reviews my furlough, my extended Christmas break, because to me thats what its felt like. I hardly returned from Christmas before being told to stay home - again!! 

And its a habit, a life style ive embraced and enjoyed - mostly.  Ive stuck to a regime of up early with my alarm, stepping followed by weight lifting near enough every work day morning before 8.30am. Today, lm not feeling it. I'm waiting anxiously to see if this alternative lifestyle will end, when will it end, when will l return to work, when will l be allowed to mingle with others freely, when will l be free to travel, go to concerts, shows, on holiday, go safely to the shops without being gagged with a mask. When???

Chatting with my Mother yesterday on our usual difficult phone calls- she's deaf, lm deaf, she is 93 so gets confused & muddled. She advised me to stop on at work for my final 5 years as l will benefit from it financially at least. She said l'd have 5 years of company- Huh!!! yeah right. .... This is not the moan she said l was having, this is a fact- l do not have company at work- Company is chatting happily with like minded people, having a laugh, having a bit of banter.  In my department after my graft l sit in a windowless gloomy room 8ft square- with some one who doesnt chat, can be narcissitic, greets every single morning with "Ohhh!!!" which straight away sets the scene and the mood for the rest of the time l'm in work. Its mentally draining. 

The review- will we/ l go back to my 'usual' routine- pre-lockdown, or will things be different again, new routine, new ways of doing things, will the pupils be back, will 'normal' timetable resume. Reviews are always about moving forward into the new, into the unknown. And thats it isnt it? thats the issue here, thats the cause of the anxiety- the unknown.

Positives about a return to 'normal' full pay, being allowed out-out, going out-out, being set free, being released from our home prisons, from our safety cocoons. Will we emerge like butterflies- flying into the sun, into Spring and warmer weather.......no body as yet knows.......

AM I RESPONSIBLE

 

Am l responsible for my childrens thoughts & feelings once they become adults???

Had a Grandson stay over for a couple of days to give his mother, one of my daughters a break from a lockdown house with 3 boys. I gladly had the eldest one, we didnt do alot, but we did spentd quality time together, talking, went walking in a very wet park- he had great fun. However, when it got to going home the trek home was as he said an "adventure".  

Wading through thick, squelchy, sucky mud, copious amounts of sucky mud. Across a even muddier squelchy cow field- Nannie- me- had a panic attack as she wrongly thought the cows that were hold up in their Winter dwelling were going to get out - so tried hurriedly to cross the void to the gate- through the copious amounts of squelchy mud.. Grandson was enjoying  the challenge, Nannie was nearly in tears in total panic mode!!!

We made it in one piece & proceeded to get to Mummys house- albeit covered in mud.  The greeting from fellow Grandsons was lovely- they welcomed their older brother. Mummy however was less than welcoming when she saw us. She said she'd just spent all morning cleaning- so was not best pleased at how we looked.!!!  We did remove muddy shoes outside- then once l was able to close the door Grandsons muddy jeans were removed. .....then she just walked off- looking totally pissed off !!!  

I will go as far as to say she looked postively disappointed that we- me & her eldest son had come back. I immediately felt close to tears & in a dilemma - should l put my boots on and just go home.   But l didnt- l went to sit down & weather the imminent storm- Stony moody silence!!!  So l said "you look well pissed off?"  again moody. Then within half an hour even her son said "ive just come home and already you're shouting at me"!!! that broke my heart. He'd even gone over for a much wanted welcoming cuddle from her but which she half heartedly gave. 

And this whole incident has got me thinking- at 2.30am are we responsible for how our adult children behave towards their own children - our grandchildren.??

Do they behave & react like they do as a result of how l bought them up???  I know this particular daughter suffers from pmt - hormone related mood swings which can & have been pure spiteful nastiness.  I will go as far as to say she & her hormonal leanings have been my low mood triggers on many, many occassion.   As a result l try and avoid those times as much as possible. I also feel heartbroken that my eldest grandson becomes the next mood victim because he's only 8 years old. Those thoughts of leaving him at his home to endure her wrath break my heart. I often because of these thoughts wake sobbing. Should l intervene? I know im not responsible for her hormones thats her bodies biology but am l responsible for how she reacts- did her upbringing create that spiteful tongue??

Then of course as her mother l then feel extremely guilty for having these thoughts about my own baby despite her being an adult now and a mother.  As her mother should l still tell her off, discipline her or are those days well and truly over??? 

So many thought provoking things in my head cause more upset and worry.  My adult children of each other have often said to me that "he or she" are adults now mum they can make their own decisions, they can make their own mistakes, their own choices. But as a Mother do you ever stop feeling you are responsible for their actions??? 

I really do not know???......