DELLUSIONAL

So the fat loss plan im on says we're to weigh ourselves daily then take the 7 day average as our weight.  Everything on the plan is over a 7 day average- the amount of given calories consumed, the amount of daily steps, workouts, litres of water, Fibre foods allowance, protein food allowance.  

I was doing really well before Christmas 2019 i wasnt doing regular FBW (full body workouts) but was hitting steps, water, i was working getting free lunches which meant being unable to weigh & track my food intake accurately.  Christmas happened i didnt go over board- how can you when you have a 92 year old staying with you who eats lots of sweet things, questions any alcohol consumption, even dictates when you go to sleep in your own home at 59 yrs old!!! 

Straight after Christmas/ New Year when work life normality resumed i was back to tracking food like a trooper, where possible guesstimating my lunches, making good food choices. Steps were back up, FBW didnt happen to be honest. And the scales were ok acceptable the 4lb whatever it was i'd gained over Christmas didnt just "drop off". But i maintained and the inches remained off even if the pounds didnt!!

Then lockdown happened!!!

I focused strictly on keeping physically active in order to keep my mind sane & body from losing its shit!!   Up at 5.30am regularly 7 days a week to jog on the spot, 3 x FBW a week regularly lifting weights, pushing myself physically, then i discovered "dance steps"- jogging / dancing to get my steps in , to the point of increasing my daily step count to 15000.  

The scales were inching up but am told faithfully unless ive eaten 3500 extra calories this would be muscle gain not fat.  However, as much as l physically pushed myself & my mind was the majority of the time up there feeling positive, with my new "virtual social life" who are very supportive & encouraging to all who participate. I still had the odd old "slimming club" mentality towards some foods but in the main ive got this fat loss plan down to a tee.  However, my body & im nigh on 10-15 years older than the "girls" in the gang, became sore, bones/ joints seriously hurt when i turn over in bed, when i get up i struggle to bend over, to even walk until i've "warmed up".  Was this my body telling me im doing to much, probably!!  So things changed i dropped the very early morning jogging spot  for the evening dance ones which increased to sometimes 6 nights a week. Meaning i went to bed knackered & sweaty but i did sleep better.  I would however wake the next morning in pain again as my body objected to the lively dance moves from the night before.  I took a break as l had family stuff on over a space of 5 days. No dance, no steps, no 99% intake tracking.  Then when i resumed with a FBW & full tracking the scales started inching up again!!!  This can happen if you've taken a break im faithfully told that your body will hold on to water, it will hydrate your rested muscles assuming you are going to re-starve it.  Two weeks on from this particular event today saw the scales rise by 1.6lb overnight!!! Wtf??!! Logic kicks in - i had wholewheat pasta for tea, i drank a glass of low cal tonic water, i did a FBW, i drank my 4l of water, i hadn't had a poo (sorry tmi!!) but its all relevant and it does make sense. What i can not get my head around is the swollen, ' pregnant looking buddha belly' that has re-emerged & is making me feel quite frankly pissed off.!!  

What else can l do i stick to my calories,  im physcially active, ok i could & should increase my steps as they are lacking at the moment, but does the lack of stepping & rarely hitting my protein goal seriously produce the 'pregnant belly' ???   Or am as titled dellusional in my thinking???  Is it as i often wonder a tumour of some sort??  If l go to the doctors & ask for a scan to see whats happening in there going to show me the anwser, i dont know.  I also  dont think the doctor at this moment in time will want me to be bothering the system with this query, with the usual anwser you need to lose weight & it wont go overnight.    I have lost weight since they last saw me nigh on 3 stone actually!!.  But what is the anwser??  I finished a beautiful christmas cardigan yesterday only to discover whilst it fits perfectly across my arms & back there is no way on earth its going around the 'pregnant buddha belly'. 

On another subject with in my current dellusional state of mind, an elderly Aunt died 2 wks ago, but due to the situation funeral arrangements are limited, lack of transport & money on my part meant i was nat able to attend the funeral 'up country' from where l live.  So, another cousin and l held our own facetime memorial service to her , raised a glass, sang the parting song, reminisced- lovely.  Only for me to now discover that my Brother who lives about an hour away from me actually attended the funeral in person!!  Ok so he doesnt contact or speak to me other than the odd Christmas card never rings me, rarely rings our elderly mum. I have in the past reached out to him but get absolutely nothing back. So am i dellusional in thinking he 'could've' rung me & offered to take me & mum to my Aunts funeral??? Had this happened, then the cousin with whom i had the memorial would also have pushed herself & attended despite her son having mental health issues at the moment. There was also no wake, but had there been more of us in attendance we could've gone for a meal or a drink & held our own wake. 

Again am i dellusional in my thinking that offering to be nice to  your own flesh & blood at a time of sorrow would be a lovely gesture. 

Or is that it just that ....DELLUSION.!!!

LETS HAVE A WHINGE!!

So the brain fog remains pretty much as it was the last time i posted.  The weather also matches my dull mood & mindset. All in all im feeling & am a miserable moany mare at the moment.

Not that long ago our UK government follwed on behind other countries like the sheep that it is & tried to ban women from wearing burkhas, in order to help the risk of terrorism.  Shops also banned bikers from entering shops with helmets on & guys with hoodies were encouraged to remove the hood before entering so that everyone/ security cameras etc could see peoples faces, in the event that they did some thing dodgy.

Fast forward 5 months to post pandemic lockdown, the LAW now states that we HAVE to wear face coverings in all shops, banks, post offices, hospitals.!!! Wtf !!!  As a glasses, 2 hearing aids wearing subject of the UK during the upcoming Autumnal/ Winter wet months of UK weather . With a hat & my mask on i will look like gangster & or the 3 wise monkeys!!! Cant see because glasses will steam up, cant hear because the microphone on hearing aids is covered by hat, cant be heard or speak clearly as my mouth will be covered & will be sweating profusely.  I will however be "protecting others" from myself!!! 

At the beginning of lockdown i was prevented from going "out, out", now that i am "allowed" out i dont really want to go, as the whole thought of going whilst trussed up to "protect others" is very stressful & makes me feel very anxious.  Not everyone wears masks, not everyone cares. Trust me i do care & l "get" why they're needed but if l personally can avoid having to wear a mask then i will.

Of course i can shop online for most things these days. Except that is, if l want a food shop...as a loyal customer of one well known supermarket, i have been prevented from shopping online since lockdown as i am "not a priority" customer nor am l deemed vulnerable. So my years of spending with them have now ceased.  Another well known supermarket jumped at the opportunity to offer "shopping for everyone" with 4 shops with free delivery. First shop was made 3 weeks before delivery using a credit card as l only have 1 monthly income!!  All items delivered. Great.  However, 2nd order can only be delivered at bedtime for free 10pm-11pm!!! i live in a block of 6 flats with elderly people, i also go to bed at 10pm.  I cant really see me being a considerate neighbour if l agree to have my monthly shop delivered at this time.  The alternative is to ask family if i do it in town, could one of them pick me up & bring me home, where i will hand bawl it up a flight of stairs.

Without available cash in our fast cashless society im stuck. i can order on credit card but when you're on furlough month wage which is £200 a month less than "normal" un-neccessary expense is not really an option. 

Now that we're allowed out my anxiety has gone through the roof & i've lost my nerve to go out alone.  Ive lost my sense of purpose too, i last worked 23rd March. I now do not know when i will return, if l have a job to return to, if l do have a job to return to how will it have changed, will l be in a different department. I suspect / assume i will return end of August - its now end of July as l write. I assume different regimes will be inplace ie how i do my job as a classroom/ workshop cleaner, what processes i will have to do . I will be returning after a 6 month break!!!

Six months- no work, no physical or verbal contact with any colleagues. When l last worked Spring had just emerged from the dulls of cold dark Winter months, i havent experienced the changes this year, the hayfever, the wearing of less clothes as the temperatures heated up.  Well i have worn less clothes mainly because i lived in smart new pyjamas for the first months then shorts & vest tops. As the need to actually get dressed was taken away. I didnt leave the flat nor the block except for my once a week quick walk to local shop to get much inflated "essentials". I still dont venture far. A couple of treks (2 mile) walks over to my daughters to see her & the boys, to help her with her housework/ laundry moutain. My once a week shop in the little shop still happens. And fortnightly l have been venturing the 3 miles into town to do a shop with my sturdy shopping trolley, which once full weighs 20kgs, i then lug that back up the hill & stairs.  Those are the only reasons i get dressed properly.  i save on washing because i do not see the point in dressing differently every day to stop indoors with 3 cats. I see no one, no one visits so the neccessity isnt there.

Six months of the year have gone in a flash, i used to wake in the dark to jog on the spot for an hour every morning looking out at naked trees, as the months moved on the trees have become laden with leaves, all lush & green, the mornings have lightened the the evenings lengthened. Until the Solstice last month...the seasons have peaked & are now slowly going back to where l left them, by the time "normal" work like & purpose restarts the trees will begin shredding there coverings, i assuming lve a place to go will emerge having to cover up, wear clothes, wear shoes & even a jacket.  

No wonder my heads mushed up, ive missed a chunk of the year from my head, from my being. The family life l had is no more, i cant see it ever going back to what it was, my job is no more not the way that it was,  I dont like the not knowing, i dont like the changes that have been forced upon me. i dont like how my head is processing the changes, its thought processes.  I dont like how with all the effort i've put in to keep myself physically fit & lose some weight, nothings really changed. Yes, i can now lift weights regularly, some inches have disappeared, shape has changed, scales have gone up due to muscle gain....im told!! But l look in the mirror & still see a pregnant buddha belly.  Even in the depths of my rigid lockdown exercise regime of jogging 6-7am 7 days a weeks, FBW x 3 a week, jogging 8.30pm - 9.30pm 6 days a week there were no changes to be seen, only physical pain in the mornings before i recommenced.  So whats the point of physically hurting myself if there are no results to show for it?? Whose going to see, whose going to comment on the changes??

There is no one here to see, to speak, no purpose, no point!! No certainty, no future plans, just unknowns.

BRAIN FOG.......

What a week, family visit, discussing their future, their funeral!!!

In the same week l lost an Aunt, the end of the family line on Dads side. Made for an emotional over haul.  I take comfort in that she died 2 weeks after her 90th birthday, 2 weeks before what would've been her brothers 95th birthday & a day before their birth mothers own death anniversary. So in my head they've all come back together.  Can i say that i think it was a happy release from the big C & from a life that wasnt overly happy in the beginning. I hope that she's found peace & happiness now  that she's back with those she loved.

As for the other subject- the impending funeral plans!! Whilst part of me thinks its an awful thing to have to discuss, actually planning & organising such event before it happens can have its own comforts. When in the future the event happens it will already be organised & in place ...on paper at least. I, as nominated organiser will be the one who has to put it in place. Quite a burden really, some parts ive suggested havent gone down well with some members of the family, like being interred with Dad rather than being thrown/ scattered into the sea. "i" didnt want Dad being left alone in his unmarked grave in a tiny village cemetery.  Mum didnt want to go there she wanted to be thrown to sea  as she says no one will visit afterwards.  I had no say in Dads passing decisions so ive had my say now. Ive never agreed that an unmarked grave plot was acceptable. And im not going to feel guilty for having my thoughts.

I have been though....

Its all such a weird thing to be discussing & planning. Stickers will mark things in the house that i would like to keep after the "event". Others can choose if not stickered what they would like as a memento. Things purchased by my brother will go to him obviously!! Whilst i "will get whatevers left"!!  thanks for that.

 Yet again words that hurt me. Am i surprised...i shouldnt be. Is she even aware that over the 59 years of my life, during my upbringing that things said have cut me to the core. Whether they were said in a mothers anger or just said in conversation, somethings were said that have stuck & cant be unsaid or forgotten....not by me anyway.

How those words have made me feel & react is a constant battle with my inner me.  And ive strived to be a better unhurtful mother to my own 4, probably hasnt always been the case. And im sure they'll say ive said things just as hurtful.....however if i have Im am truly sorry. 

Writing on here is meant to clear the brain fog that has been this weeks issue, i feel numb, emotional, in turmoil, low. I need to push through it back to the positive exercising body i was over a week ago.  Abit of sun & natural positivity would help.  Instead there is warm, grey nothingness outside my window. I have become the owner of 3 double CDs full of calming, relaxing, tunes to help soothe the mind & soul...i need to be listening to them for the rest of the weekend.

Watching too, programmes about people who live a lone on the Artic Circle in sub zero temperatures where there are no shops & convenience, where hunting their food is their prime way of living & surviving. Where their whole existent & daily live revolves around maintaining & surviving their severe surroundings. Whilst calm & quiet it is an extremely harsh way of life. Yet they do it & love it. I just need to maintain the secure life l have, where there are shops, readily available food & stuff. 

And then its happened- the sun is pushing through the grey, mundane sky clearing the fog.......

It's Been a while......

Hi, its been  a while since my last public post, my last written thoughts hit the page.

Its now July 2020, we're ending the 2020 Corona virus pandemic lockdown- well phase 1 anyway.  Its been very strange for many many people. 

I live alone now have done for 6 years, have had many trials & tribulations over the time since last writing in 2014 i think it was.  Many births in the addtions of grandbabies who now range from 1 year -17 years of age. My children are now adults 27-37 & three of the adults themselves. The parental apron strings have been cut....with the occasional relapse into me feeling & being an active Mum again.  Tends to be rare these days & im finding roles are beginning to reverse- they're parenting me!!!

So having updated my family life, lets update my thought life. Im the wrong side of 50, lost weight, lost people l loved & admired in the last 3 years. Even lost my fur baby Maddie- my 12 year old Staffie who gave me confidence & companionship, making me go out alone in the rural settings in which l live.  

She's been gone 2 years now & i've stopped going out, then lock down happened in March 2020 & i/ we werent allowed out, until about 3 weeks ago that is. Even then , even now its limited & controlled by some restrictions. If you travel in public you have to wear a mask, which when you wear glasses & 2 hearing aids is stifling & frustrating. Your glasses steam up so you get hot & bothered. They get caught on your hearing aids which already have your glasses leaning behind them- am sure my ears have a wider gap behind them these days!! 

This is not a good post as im waffling, jumping from one thought, subject to another. As the freedom to be able to "speak" on paper/ screen is going into overload mode. I'd like to post regularly and as always planned post my travel blogs which i've written on my various adventures, all of which will be far more entertaining than this one.

Anyway, thoughts on lockdown, during lockdown have varied- i was in the beginning very focused. Day 1- March 22nd my last day at work was very stressful, extremely emotional as i'd last seen my youngest daughter &  her 3 boys on the Thursday- was used to seeing them daily. They'd just moved to a large house further away from my flat, no longer over the road. I was just getting used to the new longer walk to hers to help her & see the boys- youngest was 6 months old. Then i went to work for the last time on the Monday had to work with people i dont nornmally work with, doing silly little poitnless jobs, head completely screwed, i spent most of the morning crying alot!!

Then when i got home we "the powers that be"- government announced we were to be locked up until further notice- thats it no physical contact, no freedom, no shopping unless absolutley necessary, no going out except for 1 hour walk a day, away from any other person, dont touch anything outside of the safety of your home enviroment. so, l hankered in, went on a major cleaning & exercise regime. Totally blitzed my flat. Got up at 5.30am everyday 7 days a week religiously to jog on the spot with my online fitness plan.  I learned how to Facetime my family & everyday we'd message each other, they checked on me daily, i could talk to them & their children, whilst sat in the safety of our homes in our jammies. 

I had regular phone chats with my elderly mum, who was used to living alone anyway, but fiercely independent had to be told she wasnt to go out at all- as it wasnt safe.   Have to say from my prospective that particular rule scared me- i had visions of being told off my military/ police or other authority figures.  My weekly visit to the local shop for essential supplies was a nerve wracking event initially , only taking 1 certain bag & purse & credit card- (we're adviced not to use cash as its not clean or safe). Taking the lone way round to the shop in order to relish my outside freedom.  But not being close to other humans, who would briefly say hello. Then getting home trying not to touch publicly touched surfaces before washing hands immediately l got in. Unpacking shopping, washing hands again having removed all packaging, putting it away, washing hands again. Hanging bag up so germs could die off before being used the next time/ week. Leaving my purse & reciept on table again so germs could die off!!! 

The paranoia was setting in.  The daily updates determined how l felt & how l would deal with the next few weeks to come, not knowing when it would end. And the "new normal" would emerge.....Nigh on 4 months on as we do emerge there is still mass uncertainty.  Has it only been 4 months feels more like 4 years.  Its been an emotional rollercoaster- in the early days seeing my first hearse/ funeral cortege with the new rules inplace  from an unknown neighbour down the road left me in floods of tears, feeling their loss, seeing the no contact, knowing they wouldnt be "allowed" to physically touch each other even though they're blood related- was just oo much to handle. There has been 1 more courtege since then in the street where l live with the same over whelming sorrow created.   Then a work colleagues sudden death, followed by an "online" funeral which l was actually able to view, which made me angry, not because i couldnt see it but because it - this bloody situation had created this sceanrio, where we are no longer allowed to grieve our loved ones, or attend a funeral, comfort each other, chatting about our memories of that person, raising a glass in their honour . Its just shit!!  Ive lost 3 people now since ive been "locked up". Each held a part of my heart, none were  Covid related which again makes me angry as we shouldve been allowed to grieve together, as they werent contaminated!

But instead i cried alone at home, remembered all 3 in different ways, remembered the memories they each created in the vast filing cabinet which is my brain/ head. 

The "new norm" at the moment of writing is that  i can now venture into town to shop "freely"- however, im to avoid buses unless l wear a mask. If the shop i enter is busy with people im adviced to wear a mask. I have to usually self serve using a plastic payment card not cash. I cant really go in any shop & wander around browsing, touching merchandise. Ideally you have a list , you go in get whats on it, pay & leave without touching anyone or anything. Walking is now my  preferred transport, as its free & gets me out. Shopping in town is however an all day event 3 miles in, shop, 3miles back via a steep hill dragging behind me my sturdy shopping trolley which then usually weighs 20kgs. Yes, i feel like ive achieved so much when i eventually get home & unpacked. Having washed my hands immediately i re-enter the safety of my flat.  I do however spend the following day feeling rather mentally & physically ill. Mentally because before getting out of the flat door to go on my trek i go into nervous, anxious mode, crying, shaking, panicking.  Her in my head, whose confident,senseible & stern- tells me to not be so stupid, that i will love it once im in town, that i'll see people i know & have real life conversations, that i'll have a huge sense of achievement when l get home. She pushes me to "just bloody go...NOW!!". And she's right.

The other part of the not being locked up is now having the chance & freedom to go & see my children & grandbabies again, when ever l want.  It is a long 2 mile walk, through a lovely loca park to reach my youngest daughters where i am always greeted by excited, overjoyed boys seriously, genuinely happy to see me.  The relationship with their Mums is different, we no longer see each other daily, as we've bothed gotten used to being self reliant, rather that relying on each other. We've both gotten used to our own company.

 I know for my side of things i like me, l like living with me, myself & l, her in my head talks sense & we have great chats. Life is calm, peaceful & controlled- but in a nice way not regimented. It is structured with a fitness regime, it has a great "virtual, safe "social life, which is buzzing with great people. Conversations flow as do the giggles., the support, the comfort, love & adivce. Its a great "new life". 

How long will it last , i dont know? I dont know when i will return to work, if my job will be like it was- very probably not, if l still have a job to go back to- it will be 6 months since l was last there- l think....there is huge uncertainty, huge unknowns & that is scary.....