Its now July 2020, we're ending the 2020 Corona virus pandemic lockdown- well phase 1 anyway. Its been very strange for many many people.
I live alone now have done for 6 years, have had many trials & tribulations over the time since last writing in 2014 i think it was. Many births in the addtions of grandbabies who now range from 1 year -17 years of age. My children are now adults 27-37 & three of the adults themselves. The parental apron strings have been cut....with the occasional relapse into me feeling & being an active Mum again. Tends to be rare these days & im finding roles are beginning to reverse- they're parenting me!!!
So having updated my family life, lets update my thought life. Im the wrong side of 50, lost weight, lost people l loved & admired in the last 3 years. Even lost my fur baby Maddie- my 12 year old Staffie who gave me confidence & companionship, making me go out alone in the rural settings in which l live.
She's been gone 2 years now & i've stopped going out, then lock down happened in March 2020 & i/ we werent allowed out, until about 3 weeks ago that is. Even then , even now its limited & controlled by some restrictions. If you travel in public you have to wear a mask, which when you wear glasses & 2 hearing aids is stifling & frustrating. Your glasses steam up so you get hot & bothered. They get caught on your hearing aids which already have your glasses leaning behind them- am sure my ears have a wider gap behind them these days!!
This is not a good post as im waffling, jumping from one thought, subject to another. As the freedom to be able to "speak" on paper/ screen is going into overload mode. I'd like to post regularly and as always planned post my travel blogs which i've written on my various adventures, all of which will be far more entertaining than this one.
Anyway, thoughts on lockdown, during lockdown have varied- i was in the beginning very focused. Day 1- March 22nd my last day at work was very stressful, extremely emotional as i'd last seen my youngest daughter & her 3 boys on the Thursday- was used to seeing them daily. They'd just moved to a large house further away from my flat, no longer over the road. I was just getting used to the new longer walk to hers to help her & see the boys- youngest was 6 months old. Then i went to work for the last time on the Monday had to work with people i dont nornmally work with, doing silly little poitnless jobs, head completely screwed, i spent most of the morning crying alot!!
Then when i got home we "the powers that be"- government announced we were to be locked up until further notice- thats it no physical contact, no freedom, no shopping unless absolutley necessary, no going out except for 1 hour walk a day, away from any other person, dont touch anything outside of the safety of your home enviroment. so, l hankered in, went on a major cleaning & exercise regime. Totally blitzed my flat. Got up at 5.30am everyday 7 days a week religiously to jog on the spot with my online fitness plan. I learned how to Facetime my family & everyday we'd message each other, they checked on me daily, i could talk to them & their children, whilst sat in the safety of our homes in our jammies.
I had regular phone chats with my elderly mum, who was used to living alone anyway, but fiercely independent had to be told she wasnt to go out at all- as it wasnt safe. Have to say from my prospective that particular rule scared me- i had visions of being told off my military/ police or other authority figures. My weekly visit to the local shop for essential supplies was a nerve wracking event initially , only taking 1 certain bag & purse & credit card- (we're adviced not to use cash as its not clean or safe). Taking the lone way round to the shop in order to relish my outside freedom. But not being close to other humans, who would briefly say hello. Then getting home trying not to touch publicly touched surfaces before washing hands immediately l got in. Unpacking shopping, washing hands again having removed all packaging, putting it away, washing hands again. Hanging bag up so germs could die off before being used the next time/ week. Leaving my purse & reciept on table again so germs could die off!!!
The paranoia was setting in. The daily updates determined how l felt & how l would deal with the next few weeks to come, not knowing when it would end. And the "new normal" would emerge.....Nigh on 4 months on as we do emerge there is still mass uncertainty. Has it only been 4 months feels more like 4 years. Its been an emotional rollercoaster- in the early days seeing my first hearse/ funeral cortege with the new rules inplace from an unknown neighbour down the road left me in floods of tears, feeling their loss, seeing the no contact, knowing they wouldnt be "allowed" to physically touch each other even though they're blood related- was just oo much to handle. There has been 1 more courtege since then in the street where l live with the same over whelming sorrow created. Then a work colleagues sudden death, followed by an "online" funeral which l was actually able to view, which made me angry, not because i couldnt see it but because it - this bloody situation had created this sceanrio, where we are no longer allowed to grieve our loved ones, or attend a funeral, comfort each other, chatting about our memories of that person, raising a glass in their honour . Its just shit!! Ive lost 3 people now since ive been "locked up". Each held a part of my heart, none were Covid related which again makes me angry as we shouldve been allowed to grieve together, as they werent contaminated!
But instead i cried alone at home, remembered all 3 in different ways, remembered the memories they each created in the vast filing cabinet which is my brain/ head.
The "new norm" at the moment of writing is that i can now venture into town to shop "freely"- however, im to avoid buses unless l wear a mask. If the shop i enter is busy with people im adviced to wear a mask. I have to usually self serve using a plastic payment card not cash. I cant really go in any shop & wander around browsing, touching merchandise. Ideally you have a list , you go in get whats on it, pay & leave without touching anyone or anything. Walking is now my preferred transport, as its free & gets me out. Shopping in town is however an all day event 3 miles in, shop, 3miles back via a steep hill dragging behind me my sturdy shopping trolley which then usually weighs 20kgs. Yes, i feel like ive achieved so much when i eventually get home & unpacked. Having washed my hands immediately i re-enter the safety of my flat. I do however spend the following day feeling rather mentally & physically ill. Mentally because before getting out of the flat door to go on my trek i go into nervous, anxious mode, crying, shaking, panicking. Her in my head, whose confident,senseible & stern- tells me to not be so stupid, that i will love it once im in town, that i'll see people i know & have real life conversations, that i'll have a huge sense of achievement when l get home. She pushes me to "just bloody go...NOW!!". And she's right.
The other part of the not being locked up is now having the chance & freedom to go & see my children & grandbabies again, when ever l want. It is a long 2 mile walk, through a lovely loca park to reach my youngest daughters where i am always greeted by excited, overjoyed boys seriously, genuinely happy to see me. The relationship with their Mums is different, we no longer see each other daily, as we've bothed gotten used to being self reliant, rather that relying on each other. We've both gotten used to our own company.
I know for my side of things i like me, l like living with me, myself & l, her in my head talks sense & we have great chats. Life is calm, peaceful & controlled- but in a nice way not regimented. It is structured with a fitness regime, it has a great "virtual, safe "social life, which is buzzing with great people. Conversations flow as do the giggles., the support, the comfort, love & adivce. Its a great "new life".
How long will it last , i dont know? I dont know when i will return to work, if my job will be like it was- very probably not, if l still have a job to go back to- it will be 6 months since l was last there- l think....there is huge uncertainty, huge unknowns & that is scary.....
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