So ive been back at work over a month now, had a pay rise surprisingly, considering the current world pandemic situation we are still living through and with. Ive gotten used to the new routine & timetables. Means im busier which is a good thing in a lot of ways. And life in general is OK or is it???
It seems l had a happier more fulfilled time / life during lockdown than i have now that im back in the real world working for a living. I certainly had a better social life albeit virtually. I had a physcially productive schedule. But now l have the gruelling work routine up at 6.30am with the alarm a regular food & walk routine of getting to work in all weathers. Back to experiencing nature, hearing the birds, seeing the squirrels scurrying about. I have the new busier work routine...but there is little to no interaction with friendly chatty people. The friendship group activities have had to end due to new restrictions...mixing with strangers in pub set ups is not an ideal situation at the moment nor for the foreseeable future either. So l go to work, l eat alone in a back room my packed lunch, then l come home to be alone. Weekly visits to see a daughter & grandchildren lately has been hard due to others being there, so the chat doesnt flow, the connection is lost at the moment.
I miss chat more than anything. I get a 2 hour natter with my lovely cousin who has sadly been made redundant, like my eldest daughter too. So whilst l am totally lucky & grateful to still be in secure employment which is now paying extra my mind is missing stimulation. Im missing connectivity to real people, l have become alone & silent once more. My life has at the moment no real purpose, doesnt mean l dont want life but l want the freedom had 7- 8 months ago to go freely to the cinema alone, travel alone without having to wear the god awful mask, without having to mistrust every fellow human being l come in contact with. Not that l am in contact with any other humans, other that work collegues. The odd polite conversations happen, brief interaction with some one who clearly doesnt want to listen nor talk to me about anything really.
The whole point of this blog is so l can vent my frustations, my feelings & thoughts out of my head in the hope that some one may take an interest in me. Ive been watching alot of 'Life Below Zero' a tv series by the National Geographic which documents the lives of people who live in Alaska the top of the frozen world. And quite a few of them do it alone surviving, sorry living theirs lives quite happily in a subsistence way of life - they hunt their food otherwise they dont eat simple as. One lady Sue Aitkin is my age she lives alone has no interacton with others for 290 days of the year, having to rely on herself & how she does things, she runs the isolated camp in the middle of no where, she copes with moutains of snow, horrendous snow storms, dangerous predatory animals who have in the past actually attacked her left her for dead...( she was found 10 days after a bear attack)!!! Wtf.... She has so much courage & resilence yet all l have to do is live a normal life where l actually see people, even if they dont want to talk to me or listen to me. Sue is extremely happy with her way of life with no one. The other guys that feature in the programmes who live there alone are also more than happy to be out in the middle of no where with nothing & no one about. Their dangers are themselves & the wildlife - namely bears. If they dont go out & hunt they dont eat. I wish l had their mindsets not to hunt obviously but to be able to be totally ok about not interacting with people.
Thats very probably why l liked lockdown because l 'wasnt allowed' to interact other than facetime or social media contact. My virtual friendship circle was amazing, we laughed, we cried we supported each other, we interacted virtually we made each other happy. I no have that connection, l dont have the time nor energy to get it back like it was....it would all be on catch up ...i dont want to catch up, l want live interaction in the moment chat. Of course we're approaching that time of year where we all naturally retreat to the warmth & cosiness of our homes as Autumn colourfully draws our year to a close. Where we as a species hibernate. That gradual shut down doesnt help the mental state, gloomy days & nights, dark days & nights where the only sunlight occurs when lm in work.
We approach another possible lockdown...which bizarrely quite excites me. I could actually still go to work - as its being claimed it may happen over half term- which typically would see me work for 3 days then have a week & a half off. So l could so the lockdown routine for that time off....l can push myself back into working out with weights, jogging on the spot to get my steps in, dance steps...l loved all that .
See writing stuff on here is great, ive talked to no one inparticular but 'her in my head who talks sense' aka ERIN has just said all that about what l can do in half term lockdown & already l feel better, because l have a focus, something to look forward to in just over 2 weeks time. Thats a plan, a positive. l feel exhilarated now. Its nearly the weekend so l can spend the time that l have off after working Saturday for an hour!!! yes a whole hour!! putting the plans in order to go. And it has to be said since ive missed 2 wks- 3 weeks worth of FBW my bones/ joints are hurting again.....however the scales have gone down...not alot but they do move now.
Its late, l need to go to bed, by phones shut itself off ready for bed, the cats are already on the bed, l still have 2.5 days of early mornings to do in stormy conditions, l have Nannie duty on Friday. I need to log in my planner all this 'stuff' that l have to look forward to, re-ignite me. Cos life in stalemate is shit.
