I'M NOT READY

 

So, this year i have a big birthday coming up. And whilst age has never bothered me before, ( i hope im not repeating myself) . This one is an issue for me. Probably because l'm locked up again, with limited freedoms, like the rest of the country. 

Lockdown 1 l lost several people who were a big part of my life. Lockdown 2 - l worked continually so nothing felt too different, extra measures in work but on the  whole life carried on as normal- the new normal anyway.  Now lm in Lockdown 3- furloughed off work again, back into my fitness lockdown routine. However my mindset is not brilliant. And turning 60 isnt helping the matter.  Already in week 3 l think it is l've learned of the sad passing of some one l knew way back in the days of the primary school run, when a generation of school parents/ mums knocked around with each other, raised our children & had fun lives.  The lovely man whose passed was the fit Dad of the playground and a genuine nice guy. A good Dad & husband. He's lost his life very sadly to this bloody virus he was just 64......its just shit!!!

While l wasnt particularly close to this guy, l knew him, his children are the same age as 3 of mine. I knew his wife. He was in a group of people who were a part of my history as it were. And heres the thing- a few more of those lovely people are to date suffering various health complaints. Some of those are younger than me, some older and we're talking a couple of years not decades older nor younger.  

And as a result turning 60 has gotten me thinking- life is passing me by, l've unfinished business, things l'd like to do, places to go etc. and l'm running out of time.

This was bought home even more so today when in the post l recieved from a private pension provider l have sent me a Retirement pack!!!  Just to remind me that l can retire, no longer work for a living in just 4-5 years time !!! Shit.... thats no time at all. And the way this bloody virus is going another year towards that deadline will be spent in locked down forced pre-retirement. I mean l joked about lockdown 1 being my pre retirement practice last year but the shits getting real now. And lm not ready.....

I dont know how l was going to spend these last few years - l guess l was going to plod along going to work 6 days a weeks for a few more school years yet, then go on a few more holidays to my favourite island Crete, go to some more concerts & shows alone or with others on coach trips. Then slip gently into  no longer working. And it would've been ok because l wouldve established the routines of coach trips, of going abroad, shows etc. I may even have made new friends to accompany me on these adventures. But no as it stands right now, l'm at home doing what l want , when l want, no conversation, no company, just 'her in my head'- bloody ERIN. 

And right now ERIN who normally talks sense is filling my head with some doom & gloom, some scary realisation that some of the people l admired back in the day, still admire today because they are great people are struggling more than me, they like me are over the top of the life mountain with the scary drop the other side.

More so ERIN reminded me of some thoughts l had 32 years ago- l gave birth to my 3rd baby as my Dad retired. I had post natal depression and or the realisation that my lovely Dad was now in the final chapters of his life. Because after you retire there is only one other place to go.......and your story is then then finished.Three years after Dad retired his story ended. ...... 

So when i'm reminded that l'm 4-5 years away from my own retirement l find myself scrambling to the mountain top scrabbling to keep a grip to my unfinished still to do life. In a world with this bloody virus is rampant, ripping people out of it pretty damn quickly l am worried, l am scared. I dont want to spend the rest of my days locked up with no freedoms.  I want a retirement full of things to do, trips, people, company. 

And yet apart of me is not ready to enter that new chapter, of being 60, of never working again. Of being old.  I am just not ready.......

LOCKDOWN ROUND 3.

 

Here we go again, new year new start but on delay...!!! 

So l've survived a week & a half of the new lockdown. Furloughed to protect my job, save lives, robbed of freedom to do 'stuff' alone ie travel abroad, plan a holiday overseas, go to a show, concert, cinema. However, for me its not all doom & gloom- after last time, last years imprisonment l'm prepared.  I've reverted back to last years routine of early up, stepping followed immediately by weight training. This in fact gives me a huge amount of energy & sets me up for the rest of the day.  For me thats the hard bits out the way. 

The rest of the day after breakfast is boring stuff like housework before settling down for crafting of some sort. I have a weekly trek to my support bubble to see my daughter & grandsons- something we/ l wasnt 'allowed' to do last time.  I was and actually still am quite excited about not 'having' to go to work as my life is so much more enriched when i'm off.

Whilst l dont have face to face conversations with anyone or any physical contact, l do have a great online virtual life full of supportive, 'chatty' people. Like minded stepping, lifting, caring people whom l 'connect' with everyday. And that for me is great for my mental well being. They make me feel wanted and apart of the wider community that we all actively belong too. 

In the real world, l still dont go out walking alone, something l really wish l could do, but anxiety, fear of being attacked, seeing 'dodgy' blokes- (this has happened before), being self conscious of being a lone female out wandering. I would and do go to the local shops armed with my mask or sheild & unlike last time am no longer fearful of 'being out amongst people'.  I still avoid and advisedly so avoid going into big shops where there are a lot of people, strangers- thats is my covid fear. I klnow where i've been, i know who l've had contact with but l dont know about others, so l avoid them & the hidden dangers.

One of my new past times is to catch up & watch tv usually as a background noise to me crafting rather than silence. I've begun watching the new series of 'Married at first sight Austrailia', l love it, find it addictive, full of drama, twists & turns. But its gets me thinking everytime- 'Would l do it???'.

And 'Yes i would'....l think!! I'm approaching a new age category one which is a major milestone for me. Age hasnt been an issue for me ever. Loved my 40's & 50's had great celebrations. However this year its gonna be different. Last year was my first ever alone birthday i settled for a crappy little cake from the local shop which had very little choice at the time. I had the best present of a bag of pasta from 1 of my 4 offspring- (l love pasta, had run out, there was a shortage)- & l got to see her from my doorstep.  This year we'd planned seeing a favortie show 'Moulin Rouge' the stage show in London as it was due to open the week of my 'big birthday'- like everything its been moved to the Autumn. The another idea was mentioned a spa break as l have never had or been to a spa. But thats not gonna happen either is it!!!

  But this age category is a biggy, its the other side of the peak the slight downhill side, mentally, physcially and generally. Due to my bad past l do feel l was robbed of all l have to give. I was a tactile, caring person. I liked sex....(yes l have just published that fact!!!). But that was all taken away & hasnt returned or even had a glimmer of re-awakening. And that for me is sad. I still have more l'd like to feel & give. I want to have fun, laugh, be happy, have company, have actual conversations again. I want share experiences with 'some one'...not 'just anyone' but a friend, some like minded. Who would actually care for me too.

So back to 'marrying at first sight' as i no longer and havent for many, many years been in a relationship. I go no where to meet any new people. I'm restricted now even more would l give it ago?? yeah l think l would because l've been there, done it, got the t-shirts. Dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, would like a male best friend- have always just wanted a male best friend to knock around with, spend time with, have company with, enjoy life with. Thats not to much to ask for is it?? l mean the expectations arent that high are they?? 

Could l live with some one again after so many years alone?? l dont know. Could l re-learn compromise, again l dont know. I think if you 'click' then compromise & caring come naturally dont they. Certainly makes me think. 

Certainly l have new space and time to think and ponder. 

CHRISTMAS BLUES

 

We all know this years not been great in many ways. However i was looking forward to some 'family' time over the next 5 days. But that like our governments rules changes constantly. 

Collecting isolated elderly Mother whose spent the entire year hold up in her bungalow alone, depending on 2 neighbours for almost everything, i thought she'd & l would get to spend time with family members over 3 days of socialising.  She doesnt want to be alone Christmas day, but doesnt want to mix with alot of people. There is a risk from covid, there is a risk if she were left at home alone, her once fiercely independence stubborn side which has all but gone would get the better of her. She doesnt want to not see any of us until April, fears this is too long  in what has already been an epic time.  

However its now been decided but not set in concrete that she shouldnt see some family members instead spending only 1 day with family the rest hold up with me in my flat. But surely if others visit the family she's adviced not to see, then they come back to collect her to go home they're still putting her at risk of covid if nothing else. 

Im confused, im becoming cheesed off because what was once something to look forward too is fast becoming a situation where im wondering why we're even bothering at all, with all the expense & time generated to make things happen to be sat at home which i do every weekend anyway. 

How can 1 day create such angst. The organising, the planning, the expense, the stress, I'm already in the mindset of why have l bloody bothered, spending time & money  for what..??  Im deemed selfish for how its making me feel, but dont think my feelings come into it this year. Its all about whether Mother would survive another year so making it the a good one for her and i do get thqt. However if she's not going to get more than Christmas day out of it is it at all worth it?  It wont have given her the memories & joy she should get. 

Across the country this year the same scenario will be played out with people being 'banned' from seeing their flesh & blood because the powers that be have decided its not safe to do so. But surely a few hours with flesh & blood could create memories & joy which could last for months, providing a sense of worth living for momentum.  The alternative stay alone imprisoned, see no one, speak to no one, go no where & have a happy christmas, have a normal pointless day existing. Not living. 

Mentally that is scenario which is & will be so damaging to many ,many people. Not just elderly vulnerable people but to anyone living/ existing alone.  

I really dont know now what to expect, say or do for the best not just for me but for Mother too. But Mother is being thought about- her needs & feelings are being considered. Where as l will be seen as throwing my toys out the pram, when in my heart & head lm breaking & struggling.  That always present fear of losing out is very strong, being left behind. Makes me defensive, angry even, tearful. 

Pre-Christmas blues.

INSIGNIFICANT

 

End of term, isolation , readjustment which is always difficult. Takes a few days to unwind & get out of that work routine. No more early morning treks in pitch darkness with anxiety through the roof. Every morning stomping in the dark with ERIN chatting to me "you can do this, one more day". ERIN  my little mini me in my head who talks sense.

Term time 6 day weeks..mornings actually l finish just after lunch. There is very little conversation in work because lm the only female in my dept. because my colleagues are usually off teaching, the 'other one' is quite narcisistic. Then l come home to my safe haven where l live alone, conversations with the cats arent the same as a good old natter. My weekly visit to a daughters is always fruitful, chat, time with her & grandboys, a weekly catch up with a cousin whose always been the nearest l have to a sister, we chat facetime styly for hours, its great putting the world to rights.

I digress as always- Insignificant...for me ive always felt this, even from way back. Always at an incident, or experience or dealing with issues but from the outer perimeters, always in the back ground.  'Oh yeah, i was there, i remember' but no one had noticed me. In life now thats happening again, for me anyway. So every year at work 19 years, we've had a works xmas party, this year we were meant to be having 'bubble gatherings' but ive been told thats not happening now. I do suspect otherwise though, i suspect because lm a lone worker i dont fit into others bubbles, some 'others' i suspect have complained about having to mix their 'bubbles' so its been decided that l wont be included in any end of term year celebrations, socialising. And while i'll happily drink my gifted bottle of prosseco alone at home, i feel insignificant.  I know my dept boss appreciates me as does the other one, but the rest clearly dont give a toss.  And while l feel similiar its still hurtful- not emotional 'oh my god no one loves me' hurtful.  More like 'Cheers then!' pissed off hurtful. Which actually makes me get defensive and passive aggressive.  Do you know what l dont need them, l manage every day alone. I cope every day alone with my thoughts and feelings, with life and all it chucks at me and l have to say lve done a brilliant job mostly. Ive come through a mountain of 'stuff' which some would never believe, i pushed myself across boundaries, mental & physical ones, ive visited places, experienced allsorts of great stuff.  

However, i do still consider others- like l do at work, l consider how someone elses actions will impact on colleagues lve known for years. Yet im told i shouldnt be covering for them i shouldnt let others short comings effect me. If they want to be rude, inconsiderate humans that is not my problem and l shouldnt let it effect me and how l feel. But l have a conscience, i like being nice and considerate. I do get mugged off sometimes- alot actually. So should l change who l am, should l go in do my bit & totally ignore others short comings?? I dont think l can- i cant in all honesty turn a blind eye and say or do nothing.  Because if those who become impacted find out l knew all along they're going to think lm as bad as the perparator arent they?  Again am l over thinking it...i dont know.   Should l become insignificant and blend into the background quietly observing 'stuff', say and do nothing. 

As always l come on here, rant/ write and chat when im home alone for long periods of time, with only ERIN chatting to me. Its not even ranting, more waffling on about stuff that is probably insignificant to everyone else.

Its nigh on Christmas time, 2.5 weeks of no work, of time with family, of some family insults & controlling by others in my home, in my safe haven. Because letting it happen is easier than arguing & saying something to defend myself,  being insignificant, being weak? ...No l'm not weak, a mug maybe but not weak. 

Insignificant - the definition:- small, unimportant, meaningless.  Mmmm??? Im 5ft 2in so small, unimportant...yes to some. Meaningless....yes to some.  Others....are they unimportant to me....some are yes, are they meaningless to me...some are yes.

Does any of it matter?? Or is it INSIGINIFICANT.!!

Life Began

 

Thirty Eight years ago today, l gave birth to my first child, a little girl.  I had a quick labour & a tiny little bundle. I remember looking down at her during my time alone with her on the ward thinking 'i'm have to different now, life will be different now, l'm responsible for keeping my precious little bundle safe for life'.  

I dressed her in pretty frilly clothes & my role as a mum began. It wasnt easy no parenting role every is. There are no books to tell you how you will feel, about the sleep deprivation- l lie there are books about that. But they dont tell you how to cope/ deal with the lack of sleep, the whole massive changes that occur. 

I t has always amazed me how first babies survive, because its trial & error. You read when you have time books & pamphlets, you listen to advise from other mums, other women, But they do survive & so do you. ...I survived l went on to have another 3 babies.

   And now 38 years later l am alone re-thinking, remermniscing. I can recall every last detail, the journey to the hospital, my then husbands words, the sterile yet stark military maternity hospital- old cold, stone building. I remember being asked my name & address, date of birth whilst contracting- why do they do that?? I remember thinking why dont you ask my husband i'm in pain, l;m shaking with nervous. I'm thinking this is it this is the time ive been waiting for. I remember being seated in a wheel chair, taken to a side room to prepare for the imminent arrival- the enaema, the shaving of the nether regions, having a bath with only 2- 3in of water, of throwing up into a cardboard bowl, whilst sitting in the bath!!! I remember, laying flat on my back, of pushing so hard l thought my neck would burst. Of pushing, pushing, being cut- being told to 'STOP- your baby has its cord around its neck, which was swiftly removed, then the surprise of being told l/ we had a daughter ...( you didnt find out back then what you were having).  I remember being taken to a ward with other new Mums & babies, it was the early hours, l was so tired, the plastic crib, on wheels was placed next to me- fully stocked with every thing l needed. Then l was left. I probably did sleep, my head was probably shot to pieces, buzzing, with a mixture of thoughts. 

I remember the hands on lessons from the nurses- helping me  to bath my pink bundle, helping me to feed her- breastfed....for 2 wks anyway.  I remember hobbling gingerly into the breakfast room of the cooked breakfast- miniscule portion- 1 slice of bacon, 1 sausage, tiny portion of beans...just incase l was sick- aftermath of gas & air & pethidine. I remember having my taste buds return actually tasting the flavours for the food. I remember feeling secure in the hospital- l was there for a week - which was standard back then.  Then when we were allowed home having to start again- establish a new routine alone with no safety net of nurses. 

We had visitors which was overwhelming- l remember feeling relieved when my husband went back to work- Yes l was nervous, unsure, had no clue how to do 'everything'. I was in a second floor flat, without a lift. I did get a bout of post natal depression which manifested over the Christmas period & was picked up 4 months after my baby had arrived. 

Thirty Eight years on l have 4 adult children & 7 grandchildren- yet it feels like yesterday, so much has happened, i've experienced untold amounts of trials, tribulations, tears, tantrums, abuse, lots of highs. I've experienced Life in all its glory.

I never thought it would be like this 38 years ago. I dont think any of us think about how life will be this far ahead, back when we're about to bring new life into the world. I knew l always wanted 4 children, l knew l wanted to be a stay at home Mum, not a career mum. My career was my children. I didnt think back then i'd get divorced & become a lone parent with 2 children, move away from family & friends to start again alone. But l did. Like the song goes ' what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'. I grew stronger on my own. I had no choice. It wasnt easy, l cried copious amounts of tears. I was scared. But l did it. 

Four years later l think it was l'd met no. 2, my soul mate - (huh)!!! we had my third baby & we moved a while after. We were happy, we had a lovely little house & sealed our little family unit with no. 4 baby- i knew what l was doing by then. I could run a home & raise 4 children. I didnt plan on doing all of it alone- but the soul mate turned into my worst enemy overnight, the bubble burst- my bubble burst & my life- changed again- massively for all of us. The fear of having to raise 4 children alone was terrifying. But l did it. 

I even briefly found happiness & enjoyable life again. Made the biggest mistake of my life by believing a new life elsewhere would be good & upsticks & moved us again- albeit for a year. My year of absolute hell. But l did quickly regained my senses & moved back to the security & support of my friends. However- this is about the day l gave birth to my first born, my little pink bundle of joy. 

She was a teenager, she'd changed, she had been changed earlier, she had been manipulated by others, she'd been damaged & my heart just kept on being broken, l fought physically & mentally to keep her, to protect her, l'd failed.  I lost her- she didnt die- but she did leave. The apron strings were well & truly severed & l had to let her go. I was told she'd come back at various stages, at various ages, but she never has. If anything she is further away than ever, l cling on by my finger tips with hope that one day, my little baby will come back because she needs me, like she did 38 years ago. 

As today draws to a close, l hold on to the glimmer of tiny light knowing tomorrow l will see her for an hour as she visits to collect her present & card. She will hug me & tell me she loves me but she will leave & return to a life l cant bare to think about. A life l have no hold over. I keep the light going & l will one day jump back into the role of her Mum because she will one day need me again, to nurture her, to help & guide her.

 Until then ...l will always love her & always wish her a Happy Birthday. 

MENTAL HEALTH...we all have it

 Theres been a lot of posts and chat this week, yesterday in particular as it was "Mental Health Awareness Day", so l thought i'd put my spin on it.

While l've only been told officially by a doctor a couple of times that l have a mental health problem & at those times was prescribed 'happy pills' l do genuinely believe l have some 'issues' which are mental health related.

I think l have what is called 'Social Anxiety' because l find it sometimes impossible to interact with real people in the real world. I can fly alone to foreign countries but going 'out,out' locally l find hard. I've put off going to invited functions because l cant physically get out the door. I want to go, l know when im there l'll have had a good time.  But getting out the door and walking alone to the venue...nah!! Going abroad, ive paid a lot, l've planned, l've booked, my flight etc so l've made that commitment. When l get there the beauty of the surroundings makes it all worth it. I dont 'have to' interact with anyone, l can & do please myself, so there's no pressure. The first days of going all inclusive are nerve wracking - going to the restaurant alone, not knowing the routine, the 'procedure' is nerve wracking . But no one knows me so if l make a fool of myself theres no one to judge me, if they do judge ...who are they anyway....no one l know, so it doesnt matter. 

Yet here and now thats a different thing, l know people, they know me, they see me, they could & some might actually judge me. My inner voice (ERIN- her in my head) she doesnt call me names, she doesnt tell me i'm stupid, she's confident, she talks sense, she encourages me to do things l'd shy away from, she tells me "just do it, for gods sake!". She tells me to stop faffing. She's in 'control' of my mental health. 

What is mental health anyway? is it how we feel, our emotions, our senses? Our physiological response to 'bad stuff', traumas, life events?? If so then yes l have a mental health problem, l am who l am, l react the way l do because of my past- my past adult abuse- being raped, being beaten, losing babies, losing my Dad, losing friendships, being lied to, being gulible, being niave to life. Any thing can 'trigger' a reaction, a memory, 'that moment when...' a song, a smell, some one elses experience of a similar trauma can all 'trigger' my mental health reaction. 

My mental health can make me feel anxious, angry, sad, lonely, unheard, alone....different from being lonely.  It can also make me feel wise, determined, knowledgeable, revengeful even. And yes it - my mental health can drop me slowly into a black hole, that black hole of despair, of no hope, of no point, of no way back. the black hole aka as Depression.

For me, ERIN who is strong & wise talks me out of the hole.  When l was given 'happy pills' the first time l was officially told l had, had a break down & had a mental health issue, that was the time l 'felt a failure' having to have pills to control my feelings, to stop the spiral into the black hole, into the abyss of no going back. I even laughed at myself for having failed to 'sort myself out', for not recognising that i'd had a 'mental wobble'. Even when l returned to work & told colleagues l'd had a breakdown l was told 'oh it wasnt a proper breakdown'!!! What??!!  What is a breakdown, a mental wobble to one person can manifest itself in so many ways in others- addiction to drink, drugs, cleaning, eating, self harming, crying, isolation, suicide.....ALL of these are cries for help, cries for a little more love, a little more attention. 

Who are we to judge anyone, how they feel & react to life, to their traumas. In todays society we tend to stick labels on everyone and everything. So l can be labeled as a survivor of Domestic Violence, i'm a victim of abuse of rape & sexual assault, ive been mentally controlled, l've got PTSD, l've got Social Anxiety. Ive got mental health issues.

But .....I am still me......

STALE MATE

 So ive been back at work over a month now, had a pay rise surprisingly, considering the current world pandemic situation we are still living through and with. Ive gotten used to the new routine & timetables. Means im busier which is a good thing in a lot of ways. And life in general is OK or is it???

It seems l had a happier more fulfilled time / life during lockdown than i have now that im back in the real world working for a living. I certainly had a better social life albeit virtually. I had a physcially productive schedule. But now l have the gruelling work routine up at 6.30am with the alarm a regular food & walk routine of getting to work in all weathers. Back to experiencing nature, hearing the birds, seeing the squirrels scurrying about. I have the new busier work routine...but there is little to no interaction with friendly chatty people.  The friendship group activities have had to end due to new restrictions...mixing with strangers in pub set ups is not an ideal situation at the moment nor for the foreseeable future either.  So l go to work, l eat alone in a back room my packed lunch, then l come home to be alone. Weekly visits to see a daughter & grandchildren lately has been hard due to others being there, so the chat doesnt flow, the connection is lost at the moment. 

I miss chat more than anything. I get a 2 hour natter with my lovely cousin who has sadly been made redundant, like my eldest daughter too. So whilst l am totally lucky & grateful to still be in secure employment which is now paying extra my mind is missing stimulation. Im missing connectivity to real people, l have become alone & silent once more. My life has at the moment no real purpose, doesnt mean l dont want life but l want the freedom had 7- 8 months ago to go freely to the cinema alone, travel alone without having to wear the god awful mask, without having to mistrust every fellow human being l come in contact with. Not that l am in contact with any other humans, other that work collegues.  The odd polite conversations happen, brief interaction with some one who clearly doesnt want to listen nor talk to me about anything really. 

The whole point of this blog is so l can vent my frustations, my feelings & thoughts out of my head in the hope that some one may take an interest in me. Ive been watching alot of  'Life Below Zero' a tv series by the National Geographic which documents the lives of people who live in Alaska the top of the frozen world. And quite a few of them do it alone surviving, sorry living theirs lives quite happily in a subsistence way of life - they hunt their food otherwise they dont eat simple as. One lady Sue Aitkin is my age she lives alone has no interacton with others for 290 days of the year, having to rely on herself & how she does things, she runs the isolated camp in the middle of no where, she copes with moutains of snow, horrendous snow storms, dangerous predatory animals who have in the past actually attacked her left her for dead...( she was found 10 days after a bear attack)!!! Wtf.... She has so much courage & resilence yet all l have to do is live a normal life where l actually see people, even if they dont want to talk to me or listen to me. Sue is extremely happy with her way of life with no one. The other guys that feature in the programmes who live there alone are also more than happy to be out in the middle of no where with nothing & no one about. Their dangers are themselves & the wildlife - namely bears. If they dont go out & hunt they dont eat.  I wish l had their mindsets not to hunt obviously but to be able to be totally ok about not interacting with people. 

Thats very probably why l liked lockdown because l 'wasnt allowed' to interact other than facetime or social media contact. My virtual friendship circle was amazing, we laughed, we cried we supported each other, we interacted virtually we made each other happy.  I no have that connection, l dont have the time nor energy to get it back like it was....it would all be on catch up ...i dont want to catch up, l want live interaction in the moment chat. Of course we're approaching that time of year where we all naturally retreat to the warmth & cosiness of our homes as Autumn colourfully draws our year to a close. Where we as a species hibernate. That gradual shut down doesnt help the mental state, gloomy days & nights, dark days & nights where the only sunlight occurs when lm in work. 

We approach another possible lockdown...which bizarrely quite excites me. I could actually still go to work - as its being claimed it may happen over half term- which typically would see me work for 3 days then have a week & a half off. So l could so the lockdown routine for that time off....l can push myself back into working out with weights, jogging on the spot to get my steps in, dance steps...l loved all that .

See writing stuff on here is great, ive talked to no one inparticular but 'her in my head who talks sense' aka ERIN has just said all that about what l can do in half term lockdown & already l feel better, because l have a focus, something to look forward to in just over 2 weeks time. Thats a plan, a positive. l feel exhilarated now.  Its nearly the weekend so l can spend the time that l have off after working Saturday for an hour!!! yes a whole hour!!  putting the plans in order to go. And it has to be said since ive missed 2 wks- 3 weeks worth of FBW my bones/ joints are hurting again.....however the scales have gone down...not alot but they do move now. 

Its late, l need to go to bed, by phones shut itself off ready for bed, the cats are already on the bed, l still have 2.5 days of early mornings to do in stormy conditions, l have Nannie duty on Friday. I need to log in my planner all this 'stuff' that l have to look forward to, re-ignite me. Cos life in stalemate is shit.