Here we go again, new year new start but on delay...!!!
So l've survived a week & a half of the new lockdown. Furloughed to protect my job, save lives, robbed of freedom to do 'stuff' alone ie travel abroad, plan a holiday overseas, go to a show, concert, cinema. However, for me its not all doom & gloom- after last time, last years imprisonment l'm prepared. I've reverted back to last years routine of early up, stepping followed immediately by weight training. This in fact gives me a huge amount of energy & sets me up for the rest of the day. For me thats the hard bits out the way.
The rest of the day after breakfast is boring stuff like housework before settling down for crafting of some sort. I have a weekly trek to my support bubble to see my daughter & grandsons- something we/ l wasnt 'allowed' to do last time. I was and actually still am quite excited about not 'having' to go to work as my life is so much more enriched when i'm off.
Whilst l dont have face to face conversations with anyone or any physical contact, l do have a great online virtual life full of supportive, 'chatty' people. Like minded stepping, lifting, caring people whom l 'connect' with everyday. And that for me is great for my mental well being. They make me feel wanted and apart of the wider community that we all actively belong too.
In the real world, l still dont go out walking alone, something l really wish l could do, but anxiety, fear of being attacked, seeing 'dodgy' blokes- (this has happened before), being self conscious of being a lone female out wandering. I would and do go to the local shops armed with my mask or sheild & unlike last time am no longer fearful of 'being out amongst people'. I still avoid and advisedly so avoid going into big shops where there are a lot of people, strangers- thats is my covid fear. I klnow where i've been, i know who l've had contact with but l dont know about others, so l avoid them & the hidden dangers.
One of my new past times is to catch up & watch tv usually as a background noise to me crafting rather than silence. I've begun watching the new series of 'Married at first sight Austrailia', l love it, find it addictive, full of drama, twists & turns. But its gets me thinking everytime- 'Would l do it???'.
And 'Yes i would'....l think!! I'm approaching a new age category one which is a major milestone for me. Age hasnt been an issue for me ever. Loved my 40's & 50's had great celebrations. However this year its gonna be different. Last year was my first ever alone birthday i settled for a crappy little cake from the local shop which had very little choice at the time. I had the best present of a bag of pasta from 1 of my 4 offspring- (l love pasta, had run out, there was a shortage)- & l got to see her from my doorstep. This year we'd planned seeing a favortie show 'Moulin Rouge' the stage show in London as it was due to open the week of my 'big birthday'- like everything its been moved to the Autumn. The another idea was mentioned a spa break as l have never had or been to a spa. But thats not gonna happen either is it!!!
But this age category is a biggy, its the other side of the peak the slight downhill side, mentally, physcially and generally. Due to my bad past l do feel l was robbed of all l have to give. I was a tactile, caring person. I liked sex....(yes l have just published that fact!!!). But that was all taken away & hasnt returned or even had a glimmer of re-awakening. And that for me is sad. I still have more l'd like to feel & give. I want to have fun, laugh, be happy, have company, have actual conversations again. I want share experiences with 'some one'...not 'just anyone' but a friend, some like minded. Who would actually care for me too.
So back to 'marrying at first sight' as i no longer and havent for many, many years been in a relationship. I go no where to meet any new people. I'm restricted now even more would l give it ago?? yeah l think l would because l've been there, done it, got the t-shirts. Dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, would like a male best friend- have always just wanted a male best friend to knock around with, spend time with, have company with, enjoy life with. Thats not to much to ask for is it?? l mean the expectations arent that high are they??
Could l live with some one again after so many years alone?? l dont know. Could l re-learn compromise, again l dont know. I think if you 'click' then compromise & caring come naturally dont they. Certainly makes me think.
Certainly l have new space and time to think and ponder.
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