FEELING LOW

Pull yourself together, ring me anytime, let it go over your head, that's the end of it now, talk to me.

These are all comments made to people who have 'a depressive episode'. Not just an off day, but real sunken, can't cope feelings. The depth of these feelings varies from person to person, from situation to situation. One persons low is not the same as anothers, but the desperate despair we feel probably is.

The isolated, lonely feeling- even though you are surrounded by people.

The tears from little trickles to monsoons which join forces with gut wrenching, heart breaking pain which leaves you puffy eyed and physically drained.

The IBS symptoms because some one has come to the door or phoned you.

The psychological reasons which make what you are feeling logical but you still feel them.  Feeling hurt, desperate, lonely, panicky etc doesn't stop you being intelligent enough to know you have a problem.  You know that group of people you're grieving over is irrational, but they represent a whole heap of things, its not them you're grieving over, its the memories they arouse, its the realisation that, that chapter in your life is going to end, it has to end to make way for the new exciting chapter that is about to start.  You know that. But you still feel stupid, like no one will under stand, no one will 'get it'.  Its not stupid, it doesn't make you stupid, the grief makes you feel stupid, which brings you down. Its OK to hurt, when something in your life that was/ is important to you, that you have a passion for, ends.

Everyone deals with these events differently, in their own way, there is no wrong or right way.

It all becomes a problem when it gets to much to handle alone. That's when the cry for help needs attention.

Very sadly, sometimes these cries go unheard, until it is to late.

You 'cant pull  yourself together' because you don't have the emotional strength, you don't know how, you don't know what to do.

You can't 'ring at anytime' because you feel you will disturb the helper, they didn't actually mean anytime, you don't want to put the helper out.

'Let it go over your head', stupid comments/ remarks that niggle at you, that play on your mind, when you are alone, that fester. You know they are pathetic, not important. But they're still there, they were still made.

'Thats the end of ot', you've had your tantrums, your tears, your alcohol infused hissy fit, 'get over it'.

Mentally when you're low, depressed, grieving etc you can not do any of these, you can not tell some one how low you feel, how you are hurting inside. You can hide in your home, or go away, or lose yourself to substances. But faced once more with reality you are back at square one.

You can not physically lift the phone to tell your boss you aren't coming in. Texting/ emailing helps, because you are not facing or hearing a real person. Just because you have no outward physical symptoms doesn't mean you are not ill, doesn't mean you are skiving off work.

At what point do you go and get help, do you venture into the outside in your unkempt puffy eyed state to face your GP or who ever helps you and say "l have a mental health  problem" ...HELP ME

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

What is the Freedom of Speech, according to Wikipedia, it is the concept of the inherent human right to voice one's opinion publicly without fear of censorship or punishment. "Speech" is not limited to public speaking and is generally taken to include other forms of expression. The right is preserved in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights and is granted formal recognition by the laws of most nations. ..............

So thats the official version. This is now MY version. I thought we in the UK have the right to our own opinions, to voice our own opinions, to tell 'it' how 'we' see it, in our own words.

Apparently, this is not the case.  If you sit on a public mode of transport, or in a local pub and bitch about the usual things work, the weather, what ever thats ok.  But if you write your joking opinion on a social networking site like Facebook with same friends you can get into trouble with your employers for making inapproriate comments.

Even though the anonymity of a complainent remains confidential, they have obviously discussed behind your back a situation in which your name has been mentioned and they have deemed offensive your comments. Thats ok, thats allowed.

Your privacy has been breached in order to investigate said allegations of offensive speech/ opinion, you have been topic of conversation, in derogatory terms no doubt, in order for a complaint to be made, but thats ok, thats allowed.

Even though you do not know the identity of the complainent or indeed their opinion of the situation in question, you can and will be reprimanded, because of what you wrote as a throw away, flippant remark- not a malicious, slanderous remark, no a sarcastic jovial remark.  Because you are on a public networking site most choose to be diploimatic when "chatting" they dont name names, they imply indirect comments, so between certain individuals can share things.

Yet again in my opinion, it is deemed that being an honest, open person will get you shit on from a great height, you will be told that your own honest opinions are wrong.

So l say in my own personal way why bother to be an honest, truthful, hardworking individual. Take on the attitude that will see you right, that of lying, cheating, blagging, bull shitting your way through life. Beg, steal, borrow to make an easy buck. Sit on your lazy arse, do nothing, live of others, milk the system, because all this appears to be the way to go these days.  And obviously people do not talk behind peoples backs, people do not discuss others away from them because that would be wrong- BULLSHIT!!

Most of us wont do this because we have a conscience, because we are honest, truthful, hardworking, genuine nice people, we are proud people, if asked something we anwser honestly. But is that wrong? Is that a common opinion?

THE POWER OF A PICTURE

                                                 FRED & LILY
                                                    OCT.1924

They say a picture speaks a thousand words and they're right- whoever 'they' are.

I became 'virtual friends' with fellow author and genealogist Smadar Belkind-Gerson  (author of Stored Treasures) when she 'posted' an article about her late relatives. What caught my eye was the photograph Smadar included with the article- it drew me in - to read it.  I was fascinated and always have been by old photography, particularly those of people from the past.

So when l received an out of the blue email from my cousin - son of my late Dads sister- l quickly opened it to reveal 2 'attachments'- photographs of my Grandad Fred - whom l met and have fond memories. And Fred's bride my Nan Lily- whom l have never met, and never ever seen until now. Lily is my Dads biological Mother who sadly died when he was just 7 - actually he was 6 as l have the burial records confirming that she died 5th July 1934, Dads birthday was 13th July.

The emailed pictures are of Fred & Lily on their wedding day October 1924, very smart and very happy.  Both are very, very nicely dressed so financially they were doing well, and had a good life back then. Fred looks so proud and tall. It is very sad to know that this happiness was short lived.  They went on to have by Dad in 1925 followed by my Aunt 2 years later.

The other photograph is a side shot of Lily again very smartly dressed- l see my Aunt in her and some of my Dads traits.

Smadar- said "New-old pictures are powerful" and boy was she right!  I was overwhelmed and emotional seeing these treasures.  'Meeting' Lily for the first time, there are no records in the family of her, my Aunt was just 5 and Dad nigh on 7 when they lost their Mother, my research and the little information l had found Lily  born in Calver, Derbys in 1896 in a very large family, which I've been able to trace back to 1841.  A side of Dads family and history l know nothing about.  Cousins I've never heard of nor met and l'm guessing there are alot of these still alive today.

I can't stop staring at these photos, studying them, particularly the wedding one.  Lily cradles a bouquet of chrysanthemums, so am guessing that they provided a splash of vibrant colour and perfume to her beautiful 1920's wedding dress.  Her long gloves, head dress and even the shoes are absolutely beautifully detailed.

Likewise Fred holds what looks like leather gloves and a bowler hat, his large hands crossed, posed for the picture - l remember those hands- large and strong like he was. I have those large knuckles. He looks so, so happy.

Its quite ironic that these photos should appear now - this week the week in which my youngest daughter found out that her unborn baby is a BOY and will be named Freddie after this happy proud man. It is a joy and confirmation that Freddie was meant to be. My daughter right from the early stages of pregnancy could not find suitable names other than Freddie- a family name. Lily was a possibility for the middle name of a girl.  Fred will be some one for the new Freddie to aspire to when he's 27 like his Great, Great Grandad is in the picture.

It feels like l have come full circle now, l have photos of both sets of Grand parents, any information beyond them is a bonus - and l do have a mass of information about their Grandparents, and their Grandparents back to 1538 in some cases. Especially on Freds side.  I 'know' who you all are now and that feels good.

Lily will never know how thrilled l am to have 'met' her.  I have loved her name and her choice of wedding flowers are among my favourites and actually she has my Dads familiar smile.  Her short loved life with the only Grandfather l ever met has inspired me to find her family- once again- the side of my Dads family we never knew, but had heard snippets of.

Lily- l feel your pictures will open up new chapters in my life and l hope if you're up there with Fred and Dad looking down on my life you would be proud and happy for me - your Grand-daughter, my 4 adult children and your 3.5  Great Great Grandchildren.  They like me would have loved you.

The emotions and feelings stirred up through my encounter, my epic meeting with the Grand-mother l have yearned to 'meet' for so many years are themselves indescribable.

A picture not only speaks a thousands words it creates the power of a thousand emotions.

HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD

Being a Mother, a Mum, is the most rewarding job in the world, its also the hardest, most painful, saddest job.

From conception, feeling sick, fat and an emotional wreck, to over whelming unconditional love at birth of a tiny bundle that you helped create.

Through the incessant crying, sleepless nights, milky puked stained clothes.  Through all of 'the stages', 2 year old tantrums, terrible 3's, playgroup, school, bullying, make-ups, fall outs.  Homework, plays, after school clubs, pre-school clubs.

  The dreaded teen years, where everything you say and do is wrong, where everything they say and do is wrong!!

The over sleeping, over active, lazy, can't be bothered, sulks, tantrums, hormones, tears, swearing, rule breaking, abuse stage that changes at a switch of love and relationships and grown up freedom.

Your hard earned freedom, when they leave the nest, to make their way, to make their own lives. Your tears and heartbreak. Your regret, your guilt at ever making them endure things they did not want to endure- doctors, vaccinations, dentist, holidays with horrid relatives, flying, sailing, reprimands.

You as a Mum, experience all of this and more and can not picture yourself as an old over weight, tired, ragged-ed woman with grown up adults that were once your little bundles of joy.

The same bundles of joy who now as grown adults and parents themselves, treat you with contempt, who blame you for all the bad things in their lives, who make you their life giver, feel worthless, hurt, powerless. You went through abuse in every shape and form, yet protected them,  made decisions to protect them, made sacrifices to benefit them - now thrown back in your face, because it was your fault.

You are their Mother, their Mum and yes it is your fault. Because you gave them LIFE.

WHAT & WHY

Hiya, How you doing?

 I'm in abit of a lull at the moment.  And it got me thinking what motivates you? us? is it the weather? is it life in general?  is it a news subject - that winds you up? What inspires you? us?

I've cut my hours in order to pursue more of life's pleasures, more of my pleasures should l say. Writing, photography, genealogy, needlework, creativity.  Have l done any of them since reducing my working time..NO not really. Because I've lost something- the something that drives me to do something.  My enthusiasm- l lie- l am enthusiastic about finishing my books, about typing them up and there are currently 3 to type up. One to finish writing- which will then need to be transferred on to an up to date computer in order to edit it properly. I have the ideas in my head to produce Easter boxes for my gorgeous grand girlie's- but l haven't done them!!

We - the family- need to move some time soon to a bigger house for the imminent arrival of Spud, so l need to sort out junk and dump it, recycle it, pack it. Haven't done any of it.

I have half finished tapestry which has been on the go for years!!  I have ideas for making Spud clothes- need to re-do one mitten already!!

But just cant do any of it - and l don't know why.  Could be because recently where l live, we've had the lid pulled down over our town,which is nestled in a vale or bowl as l like to refer to it. Making each day the same dull non descript white colour. Yet on the world wide web people have reported glorious sunny days and spring time heat, even the news reports of temperatures in the 19 area- positively summer temps!! 

Maybe that's it- may be I'm secretly jealous of the sunny days brigade. Maybe l need to be in sunny climes to motivate me. After all the start of British Summer Time begins next weekend on my birthday - yes the clocks of the GMT area will Spring forward an hour to create gloriously long sunny days. And early mornings to die for- that make you glad to be alive- ( total contradiction there)!! .

I mean, l know in life there has to be ups and downs,  likes and dislikes, black and whites, wrongs and rights- life's balances, the ying and yang of life. But why for some of us are the dull bits hard to shift?   Why is it that in life there has to be sour faced people who work in the people industry- like our local council offices. They are there to serve us the council tax paying citizen, we pay their wages at the end of the month.  They in turn provide a service but why not always with a smile. If you have to serve others don't you have to be a people person - who smiles and greets you and thanks you for your custom. Not some sour faced old trout whom you wish you could slap.!!

The prime example of a people person would be a celebrity - I'm going to use Peter Andre as my prime specimen- great looking, great eye candy for us girlies and some guys l guess, - what ever floats your boat- and an all round great person- l think. He meets and greets all those who meet him with a welcoming, willing, smile, kiss and autograph.  Nothing appears to be to much trouble. Ok he's paid mega bucks to do some of this, but in his own time he still makes time for people. Why cant all people in the people industry be like that?

Do we have all these differences and opposites in order to create subjects on which to debate, discuss, chat about, moan about?  Do we have lulls in order to make the highs more exciting, to give us some thing to look forward to,  to make us produce our life's goals- our forward planning, our preparation for the next chapter in our lives.

  ~For me, l guess, may be closing the first of my 50 years is a calm down from last years celebrations.  Or is it the reality that actually life has and is about to begin good and proper now that l am approaching 51. So may be l just have to reach next weekend for this lull to lift, it will after all be the end of the school term for the month long Easter holidays, it will be the start of the British Summer Time, it will be the start of my 51st year of life, it will be the approaching start of 2 weeks of holiday time - no work just paid for pleasure time to do with what l want.

That is WHY!!

WHY DON'T THEY LISTEN?

Why don't they listen? Did we listen to what our parents told us? Did we take on the advice they gave us? Was the advice asked for or just told to us?

When l was a teenager l started my teen years in a Berkshire village, Dad was the local Butcher, Mum a primary school teacher.

I was 13-14 and developed a crush on a local lad Steve H "Bruno", medium height, dark hair, gorgeous brown eyes.  There was another lad in the village with the same name Steve H- he had a mop of blond hair- l did not fancy him.

Anyway, at some point, Mum got wind that l liked Bruno, but had heard something in the village involving one of the Steve H's.  One of them had been accused of rape.  I don't know who the victim was, nor if it was fact. I just know that in the ensuing row that followed this nightmare disclosure, l was 'told', l would not be 'allowed' a boyfriend until l was 17- by the mouth in our house - my Mother.

I don't remember, but l was probably distraught and devastated that my 'first love' had been stopped before it had even developed beyond its fantasy, dream stage.

Over the Summer, l think, we then moved to Dorset, where once again the hormones of a young fledgling, teenage girl were re-ignited by Vince W.  Another dark haired handsome lad, whose rich parents lived out of the small town  by the river beach area.  I had competition for Vinces'  affections though, in the form of spiteful, bitch Wendy J.  Wendy went onto bully me quite severely during our brief stay in Dorset- even had my only school fight with her.

I digress - my brother - 2 years my junior, became friendly with a girl and was going to 'go out' with her, which my Mother was OK about!  This obviously riled me and l bought up that l found it unfair that l was 'not allowed' to date until l was 17, yet here we were by brother merely 12 if that, was 'allowed' to go out with some one. How was that fair?  Of course, all knowledge of the ban, had miraculously been forgotten about and denied of its very existence.!!

Many years later when engaged l fell pregnant l was given 3 options- marry, adopt or abort.  I chose to marry, as there was no way l'd even consider the other 2 options.

I married and had another baby, before finally throwing in the towel after 4 years of unhappiness.  But l had taken on board that my Mother had said. I had done what l had been told. I was 21.

My Mother controlled our lives with a rod of iron. Her word was law. We didn't dare question her, argue with her.  We wouldn't dream of answering her back, or swearing at her - god forbid!!  We may have had our own opinions, likes and dislikes- we most certainly did not voice them.  I didn't know how to debate or argue with anyone until I'm guessing l was in my 30's. I didn't know l was allowed to.  If l messed up 'l had made my bed l had to lie in it'.  I had to 'put up and shut up'!  I was a married woman, l had to do my wifely duties- and I'm not talking about 'having to have sex'. I'm on about, it was my 'job' to be the sole home maker, have 'your husbands' dinner on the table, put up with a drunk husband.

When we divorced and l became a lone parent for the first time.  I didn't dare tell 'her' about the advances from delivery men or other unsavoury characters. At the time l was naively flattered by the attention from 'other  men'.  things that happen to single, lonely young mums, who live alone with their father-less children.

Now 30 years on, with a daughter young, unmarried and pregnant, l advice my daughter in order to support her and her predicament.  Its happened, - we deal with it as a family.  We - me - help and advice, to the best of my ability. Not because l want a last stab at being a surrogate mother to her baby, not because l want to control  and tell her what to do.  But because l care, and because I've been there.  I've experienced the highs and lows of being a lone parent, the loneliness, the sleep deprivation, the financial restrictions, the sexual assaults - because that's actually what they were-back then.  I know this all now I'm 50.

But back in the day, back then l did listen and acted on what my Mother said, because 'l had to', because that's what we did 'back then'.  I've learnt the hard way and it wasn't always a good way.  Now I'm genuinely giving advice because l do not want my daughter to have the hard time.  I don't want her to learn the hard way, l would like her to ease into it gently.  To ask for help, to accept help if offered. I would like and believe l am an approachable, easy going Mum, who doesn't command and demand. 

I would never ask for help, and it was rarely offered without conditions.  I never asked because l'd be 'told off' for not doing it right in the first place!!.  I was naive, l didn't know about life and no one told me l had rights.

I , however want happier, easier times for my daughter and her first born.  'She' does not have to be with the father if 'she' does not want to, 'she' does not have to do it all on her own. 

I do 'allow' her, her opinion, l do listen, l do put up with verbal abuse - not willingly l have to say. l do, do alot for her - because somethings are easier done myself - which l know has made her lazy and reliant on me. I have as a caring, Mum sacrificed alot for my children- but that's is what you do when you're a loving Mum isn't it?

So knowing I've been there, done that, got all the t-shirts won't 'she' listen?

3 WEEKS TODAY................

Well 3 weeks from today l will be 51, so l am officially in the over 50's club- whats changed?  Has anything changed? Do l feel different? Do l think differently?

Alot, yes, no and yes to the above.

Alot has  changed I'm about to be a Nannie for the 4th time, in a year that sees the closure of my Westlife days- as one chapter closes and ends another begins.

I've changed my hours to accommodate my creative needs and to end the physical pain l endured working full time, in a job l wasn't totally appreciated in, with people l didn't totally  get on with.  So no more pain, no more bitch pit, more me, mine and pleasurable pursuits.

I don't  feel any different but l do totally think differently.  Is that the universal over 50's  way of thinking l wonder?   I am more relaxed and blaise about things, l don't worry if things go tits up.  I have always been a realist, an honest person, telling it as it is.  I am, l think,  more diplomatic - again think this is an age thing.

I am definitely calmer than l used to be.  I take my time with everything. It really doesn't matter if everything isn't done, there is always tomorrow, and if there isn't tomorrow then you probably aren't here to know about it - so it doesn't matter.

I think my hankering to go to Tuscany, is the way of life l seek and am now going to be living, relaxed, care free. Creatively fulfilled and content.

Does life begin at 50? do you know, l think it actually does.




Recommended reading "Possum Living How to live without a job and (almost no money) by Dolly Freed

Quote "Its easier to learn to do without some of the things that money can buy.  Than it is to earn the money to buy them".

Why spend 60 years of your life preparing for the last 20!!