THE BIG RETURN- I'M BACK

 Hi, how are you doing? I'm back, a little greyer, wiser- maybe, a little rusty at this that's for sure. 

The last time l posted l had a parent, sadly now l am in all senses an orphan who is about to retire from the world of work.  Hence coming back I will need somewhere to talk when there are no actual humans around.

So what happened, well we sadly lost Mum to the ripe old age of 95 nigh of 96, and we had a few trial runs at her passing!! In the end, she had her peaceful end surrounded by those who loved her in a place that respected her and looked after her albeit for the last 4 days of her life.  

Things started going downhill from June 2022 with little falls here and there, which gradually worsened. Cognitive capabilities began to fail, and hospital stays increased which made for difficult visits as we all work, l don't drive and there are grandbabies to negotiate too. We made the decision to help us more to move her up to where we all live so that we could see her and help her. We found what we perceived as a lovely home, modern, clean, lovely outlook close by. They sold us the perfect ending and care. Little did we know that they were liars, they in the end couldn't/ wouldn't cater to her needs. She'd given up on life and spent hours sitting alone in her room knitting looking out at nature, actual and imagined. Had she been in her own home, she would still have been sat alone for hours knitting, looking out at nature and the changing seasons, the passers-by who used to wave at her. But the 'care home' shipped her off to the local hospital where things went from bad to worse, to be honest. Physical and mental neglect, even we found out later, abuse. After a few weeks which felt like months there, they asked for her to be discharged.  We found hurriedly a new lovely home that actually cared, run by people the family knew. And as I've already mentioned that's where she spent her last 4 days on this earth. 

Thurs 8th June 2023 9.34am will forever be etched in our thoughts and memories, it was a sunny cool morning, with the scent of roses and honeysuckle. And we gathered together as a family to say our final goodbye. 

What followed was a lot of trips back and forth to her hometown 'to arrange things'. We went to see her for the last time too, she was dressed in her new outfit, laid in her beautifully lined 'bed', looking a bit like her late twin sister- she'd hated that. 

I had to go back to work before our final big family gathering, something l found hard to digest. It didn't feel right being at work, carrying on as 'normal' before she'd been sent on her way. Two long weeks l think it was until friends, and family from far and wide gathered. She's planned and paid for all of it we just had to pull it together and make it happen and we did. I think we did her proud, it wasn't an overly sad day, she didn't want that. 

Then we spent the rest of the year emptying and packing up her home of 35 years, we distributed the copious handmade pictures and treasure to family and friends. So every one of us has a keepsake made by her. She's made photo albums, records of every decade of her life from the 1930s up to 2021 even including the covid year when the whole world was locked up. History l find fascinating- seeing aunts and cousins from their childhoods is timeless.

Then we sold the house- the whole process of that is as expected an emotional rollercoaster, from removing the last filled box to the marketing promotion to the viewings from strangers who felt like they were intruders. The first one was her old gardener which was ok and felt right, someone she knew was interested. Didnt feel so invasive. The final accepting couple fell in love with it and were we were told very excited about buying it so that final chapter closed Mum's story. Sad ending but a happy new beginning.

Then of course the financial bits are dealt with, a little conflict caused by Mum herself but something we could do nothing about. Her legacies paid out and our new lives started or assisted at least. We are all duty-bound now to honor her wishes and make the most of her generosity. For me, this is a testing time as what l would've liked to do isn't quite happening as yet, if it ever will. In the meantime, l will give up my paid work which l physically and mentally can no longer manage and have a life, hopefully now of happiness and fulfillment,

Of course, along with every sad ending, there is always the joy of a new beginning and a new life and daughter no. 2 had a surprise baby on the back of Mum's passing. As she said a gift from Mum herself, and she is that. Auburn hair and the biggest blue eyes, the cutest smile that warms and melts our hearts. 

There is the story of the baby blanket too, but l will leave that for another day very soon. 

For now, l am back I've updated you on the main events and will regularly keep you updated.  I'd like to think- hope you will enjoy reading my waffling.  If you do please comment. 

Thank you and I'll see you soon. 👋

Never Felt So Lone

 When you're sent photos of your mum with her head injuries, following her latest fall on Monday. I fell apart. Were these the last images of her? 

We've never had the best relationship but love learned a lot & I am who l am because of her, even in spite of her. She bought me up exactly how her parents raised her- she hated that but still, she bestowed on me the same loathing.

I didn't visit as I'm still in the throws of covid fatigued, coughing, and breathless. They were there earlier, is it the same ward, l don't know as no one said anything to me her daughter.

They said the nurses had said they won't resuscitate, that she was not medically fit to leave the hospital. And that they'll keep her comfortable- this is nearing the end, the time l dreaded.

I'm alone processing what this means but then the bombshell - she will not speak to me about her needs only my youngest daughter.

All my life I've felt not good enough felt rejected unloved, and a disappointment. Even now in the last paragraph, she's chosen someone else.

I feel rejected again, angry, bitter, so so alone. Fighting back is fine- if she doesn't want me to sort her final days & place then it's less stress on me, better for my health- but is it really???

I have never felt so alone, fight or flight l want to run and disappear no one would notice no one would care. I was really poorly for 2 weeks did anyone notice, di anyone care- No!!  Why should now be any different?

Not sure l can endure this ..

I'll be an orphan no lovely Dad, no Mum no brother- he's not dead but might as well be for all the contact he's made.  No children- no that's not right l have 4 grown-up children who treat me like I've been with her, they don't notice or bother really. But do they not like me either?? feels like it. 

They like her but don't really know me, or how l think or feel because they don't talk to me, no one does not face to face not really online either. 

Next week is Mother's Day it'll be her last & mine.

COVID not COVID Situation

So today is day 4 of my battle with what l believed to be the dreaded Covid.  

Only to be told that because l haven't done an actual test nor got a positive result that its probably a classic "viral infection". 

Feeling like about of a fraud to be honest. As all the symptoms I've had and still have some ongoing. However l do admit to checking back in my journal to events of the end of January when l developed my first illness of the year. What l thought was a cough caused by air pollution in the department l work in, due to lack of extraction and ppe.  Could infact have been the start of the infection as alongside the school incident was more mental stress created by another of many falls by my elderly mother. I'm not blaming her at all before anyone jumps down my throat. But she's very elderly, independent woman whose been prone to a numerous falls recently,and which continue. 

So l receive or read a message usually whilst eating breakfast to say mums had a fall, usually in the early hours of the morning. I calm myself from initial panic, then make the call back to establish whats happened. Usually nothing. But my body immediately goes into fight mode heart racing, bowel movements resulting in quick loo visit. Even when l know things - Mum is ok and safe my head goes into overdrive, what do l need to do, who do l need to notify etc. = Stress!!!

End of January l got a call about Mum following the work incident. Today I was advised to contact the Covid line to report my symptoms to be told because l havent actually tested it would be recorded as a respiratory infection!!  

So I decided to phone doctors back and request antibiotics as l want whatever the "virus" is to buggar off as its affected my taste, smell, already compromised hearing loss and general well being.  To be told no antibiotics just carry on resting, vitamin C and drinking. 

Having decided on a vegetarian diet from now on due to high blood pressure again stress related and high cholesterol was told to carry on what lm already doing. And that the "virus" was probably caused by low immunity at a time l was Stressed. 

Just last weekend l went to finally visit Mum in hospital where she'd been for nearly week, unable to visit before due to work and lack of transport = feelings of guilt that she was in hospital again- with no belongings and no visitors. Me physical feelings of being unwell started again Friday- l saw her Saturday, Sunday evening Covid not Covid kicked in good and proper. Monday felt rough as hell, Tuesday tried to start fighting it. Weds- told Mum who lives in a different county to me- was being sent home again. She was sent  home escorted by paramedics to hygiene incident and frailty issues- on Thursday afternoon. Wednesday night l hardly slept, cried a lot, felt physically crap, achy, bunked up, exhausted generally crap. Thurs- online shop arrived with my recovery foods- fruit, lucozade and red wine!! Thursday night went to bed late 11pm after a small glass of red wine- slept right through until 6am this morning !! Wahoo!! No painful coughing, no stress, good peaceful sleep. 

So it appears to be stress related illness again is this going to be repeated continually until my elderly mother decides to actually spend her money on appropriate care to allow her to remain in her own home that she wants to remain in independently for her remaining short years.....to be continued

But yes probably is the answer which makes me feel annoyed to be honest. I know my adult children, daughters particularly carry a lot of the caring worries with them. Even they have had enough of the constant Mum/ Nan falls, stress phone call, re arranged child care lives, drives over to other county which involves cost of fuel etc £40 at least each trip. The mental toll on them on me is becoming too much. My health is suffering lot as a result and its not bloody fair as they say too its selfish and taking the mickey now to expect that we should and actually do put ourselves out to help and repeat the same things now. When the easy solution would be to be safe in a residential home being fed, safe, looked after in the company of other people the same age. Thats what l want l do not want my kids going through this with me. 

I wonder how many hundreds - thousands of other people go through this stressful viral infection laden process - situation because their parents have entered the last chapters of their lives?? It will happen to all of us but it is so bloody hard mentally and physcially.

My covid not covid means lve missed a whole week off work in term time, l don't do that, in 21 years of being there l don't think l've ever done that, actually maybe only twice broken toes & polyp removal. But am l going to be frowned upon when l go back are 'they' going to mark my card as one to watch?? Ive only 3 years to go to retirement. Its another worry to be honest.

THE NEXT STAGE- CONFLICTING THOUGHTS

 It's been a while since l took to here to air my thoughts and feelings. But as in all living things have moved on & changed.

Roles have reversed- my elderly mother fiercely stubborn & independent has become a frail old lady, reliant upon my adult children and me to help her with the many falls and incidents she's been having since July 2022.  

I've become the parent or at least because of my hearing loss disability my youngest daughter 30 has, she's previous experience of caring. While l do care for my Mum we've never had a brilliant relationship.  

I am not a natural old people carer, give me stroppy teenagers and children and l can deal with them. Oldies are not my thing, never have been never will be. 

But lm in conflict as her daughter l want her to be safe and happy.  l have my life here in a different county, l don't drive and am reliant on my adult children to drive me to mum or use public transport which takes 4 hours by bus just to get there- so not a journey that can be done in a day. It also costs- £40 per journey by train or bus- extra money l don't have.  My age lm over 60 now so my body objects to overdoing it.  These are not excuses they are genuine reasons. My own health is now at risk as a result of the stress which has been caused.  The relationship with my children, my youngest inparticular has changed, she wants and see that things for mum should be done immediately and in a certain way. But the fact is life and the system that is social care has its own agenda and rules.

If mum lived locally, we as my family of 5 would be able to fetch and carry for mum all the time and would gladly do it. Juggling work, home, and her to meet her needs.

But what do we do? Without a power of attorney and mums consent our hands are tied. Unless she agrees to what we see as the best option there is nothing we can do.

Just yesterday she was re-admitted to hospital at 1am, we were told. l don't drive and we were all at work or tied by childcare as its half term. So mums taken to hospital presumably in her pyjamas, no other belongings. She still there now and will remain there until a relevant care package for her can be put in place for her to return home to carry on her independent living. None of us can get firstly to her house to get her clothes, before going a further 10-20 miles to the hospital to give them to her. 

l do genuinely feel bad that she has no visitors or belongings with her but what can l do?? 

l do have a brother but he hasn't bothered for years, he wrote to her on her birthday in October with some hint of mental health problems but hasn't messaged me to ask how she is . He sent her a xmas card didn't ask how she was. His step daughter is disgusted how he's neglected her but has she done anything different  No!!  Sounds really mean and my daughter says its the wrong thing to do. But when she's passed l may message him and say "oh by the way mum passed" after the event of the funeral. Yes that's harsh but why the hell should l put myself out for someone who clearly doesn't give a monkeys. Despite numerous requests/ demands for help. 

I rant on here as there's no one to talk to, to rant too, l live alone. My adult kids rightly so have their own families and lives. And so l pour my heart and soul out on here. 

To be continued ...................

Maid against Principles

 

Just finished watching a series on Nexflix called The Maid- recommended to me by a private Facebook group for women.  Its a about a girl who escapes domestic violence and turns her life around.

It could have been written about me and many other women l'm sure.  The girl in the programme escapes- runs away twice not from violent abuse but from emotional- coercive abuse. But because her scars are not visible she has to fight the "system" to prove that she has been abused.  

In fact she has to also accept herself that she has actually been in a DV relationship. This is based in  America so the rules, regulations etc are different to those over here in the UK. 

Just because there are no physical black and blue bruises does not mean l or you or other people have not been in a DV relationship.  Mental scars from my own experience are far harder to heal from.  A colourful bruise will fade and disappear. Mental and emotional bruising stays buried for life.  Resurfacing at the slightest trigger- a sound, a smell, a song, a place. 

Like the character portrayed l began writing, she wrote about her menial jobs, about her customers homes. I write when there is no one to talk too. When l have things l want to say and no one to listen, then l publish- post those words and thoughts on here for the world and who ever to read.

The character rekindled her love of writing, found her college application and reapplied gaining a scholarship so she could then go on and turn her life around for the sake of her daughter and herself.  She fought the system and won. She did what she had to do to break the cycle. 

l had a conversation with a work collegue just the other day about a job someone l know does where they make a lot of money even though they got chucked out of school with no qualifications, they've turned things around and not only do they graft hard for their living, they are now paying it forward and helping their family members.  I digress, the collegue whilst saying he envied that person said - his "principles" stopped him from applying for a job in the same place because he disagreed with the company. I replied "principles" don't pay bills, "principles" don't provide you with a living.  

When life dealt me the "lone parent" card l went against my principles to do jobs to provide for my children and l. I can hold my hands up and say whilst l was not ever going to become "just a cleaner" l've been with my employer as a "cleaner" for 20 years and l'll be there until l can retire in just 5 years time.   As a result of all the sweat, some tears, blood, aching bones and muscles my graft has paid off.

All 4 of my now adult children are grafters, l was able to take them on holidays, trips, experiences, feed them, clothe them and provide them with a comfortable, mostly happy life which they are now paying forward with their own children.  

Principles, l had, have principles but when push comes to shove to you have to let them slide. Especially if you want to turn things in your life around. 

DV- l survived, been there, done that, got all the t-shirts made this Maid who she is today.

What your happiest day? Experience?? - l've had too many to count but the best may be yet to come with or without principles.

REVIEW DAY- into the Unknown......

 The alarm went off to awaken me from the weekend into a new week.  I turned it off & went back to sleep, well my eyes did- my brain was Erin was talking to me, guilt tripping me for not getting out of bed to step like l've done for the past few weeks.

I got up nearly and hour later, didnt step, made my tea, got my water turned on the computer ready to 'watch' the daily workout- which normally l would be doing alongside my virtual company of fellow exercisers.  However day l really am not feeling it, so instead l got my breakfast & watched.

Today, the Prime Minister reviews this third Lockdown, today my employer reviews my furlough, my extended Christmas break, because to me thats what its felt like. I hardly returned from Christmas before being told to stay home - again!! 

And its a habit, a life style ive embraced and enjoyed - mostly.  Ive stuck to a regime of up early with my alarm, stepping followed by weight lifting near enough every work day morning before 8.30am. Today, lm not feeling it. I'm waiting anxiously to see if this alternative lifestyle will end, when will it end, when will l return to work, when will l be allowed to mingle with others freely, when will l be free to travel, go to concerts, shows, on holiday, go safely to the shops without being gagged with a mask. When???

Chatting with my Mother yesterday on our usual difficult phone calls- she's deaf, lm deaf, she is 93 so gets confused & muddled. She advised me to stop on at work for my final 5 years as l will benefit from it financially at least. She said l'd have 5 years of company- Huh!!! yeah right. .... This is not the moan she said l was having, this is a fact- l do not have company at work- Company is chatting happily with like minded people, having a laugh, having a bit of banter.  In my department after my graft l sit in a windowless gloomy room 8ft square- with some one who doesnt chat, can be narcissitic, greets every single morning with "Ohhh!!!" which straight away sets the scene and the mood for the rest of the time l'm in work. Its mentally draining. 

The review- will we/ l go back to my 'usual' routine- pre-lockdown, or will things be different again, new routine, new ways of doing things, will the pupils be back, will 'normal' timetable resume. Reviews are always about moving forward into the new, into the unknown. And thats it isnt it? thats the issue here, thats the cause of the anxiety- the unknown.

Positives about a return to 'normal' full pay, being allowed out-out, going out-out, being set free, being released from our home prisons, from our safety cocoons. Will we emerge like butterflies- flying into the sun, into Spring and warmer weather.......no body as yet knows.......

AM I RESPONSIBLE

 

Am l responsible for my childrens thoughts & feelings once they become adults???

Had a Grandson stay over for a couple of days to give his mother, one of my daughters a break from a lockdown house with 3 boys. I gladly had the eldest one, we didnt do alot, but we did spentd quality time together, talking, went walking in a very wet park- he had great fun. However, when it got to going home the trek home was as he said an "adventure".  

Wading through thick, squelchy, sucky mud, copious amounts of sucky mud. Across a even muddier squelchy cow field- Nannie- me- had a panic attack as she wrongly thought the cows that were hold up in their Winter dwelling were going to get out - so tried hurriedly to cross the void to the gate- through the copious amounts of squelchy mud.. Grandson was enjoying  the challenge, Nannie was nearly in tears in total panic mode!!!

We made it in one piece & proceeded to get to Mummys house- albeit covered in mud.  The greeting from fellow Grandsons was lovely- they welcomed their older brother. Mummy however was less than welcoming when she saw us. She said she'd just spent all morning cleaning- so was not best pleased at how we looked.!!!  We did remove muddy shoes outside- then once l was able to close the door Grandsons muddy jeans were removed. .....then she just walked off- looking totally pissed off !!!  

I will go as far as to say she looked postively disappointed that we- me & her eldest son had come back. I immediately felt close to tears & in a dilemma - should l put my boots on and just go home.   But l didnt- l went to sit down & weather the imminent storm- Stony moody silence!!!  So l said "you look well pissed off?"  again moody. Then within half an hour even her son said "ive just come home and already you're shouting at me"!!! that broke my heart. He'd even gone over for a much wanted welcoming cuddle from her but which she half heartedly gave. 

And this whole incident has got me thinking- at 2.30am are we responsible for how our adult children behave towards their own children - our grandchildren.??

Do they behave & react like they do as a result of how l bought them up???  I know this particular daughter suffers from pmt - hormone related mood swings which can & have been pure spiteful nastiness.  I will go as far as to say she & her hormonal leanings have been my low mood triggers on many, many occassion.   As a result l try and avoid those times as much as possible. I also feel heartbroken that my eldest grandson becomes the next mood victim because he's only 8 years old. Those thoughts of leaving him at his home to endure her wrath break my heart. I often because of these thoughts wake sobbing. Should l intervene? I know im not responsible for her hormones thats her bodies biology but am l responsible for how she reacts- did her upbringing create that spiteful tongue??

Then of course as her mother l then feel extremely guilty for having these thoughts about my own baby despite her being an adult now and a mother.  As her mother should l still tell her off, discipline her or are those days well and truly over??? 

So many thought provoking things in my head cause more upset and worry.  My adult children of each other have often said to me that "he or she" are adults now mum they can make their own decisions, they can make their own mistakes, their own choices. But as a Mother do you ever stop feeling you are responsible for their actions??? 

I really do not know???......