The alarm went off to awaken me from the weekend into a new week. I turned it off & went back to sleep, well my eyes did- my brain was Erin was talking to me, guilt tripping me for not getting out of bed to step like l've done for the past few weeks.
I got up nearly and hour later, didnt step, made my tea, got my water turned on the computer ready to 'watch' the daily workout- which normally l would be doing alongside my virtual company of fellow exercisers. However day l really am not feeling it, so instead l got my breakfast & watched.
Today, the Prime Minister reviews this third Lockdown, today my employer reviews my furlough, my extended Christmas break, because to me thats what its felt like. I hardly returned from Christmas before being told to stay home - again!!
And its a habit, a life style ive embraced and enjoyed - mostly. Ive stuck to a regime of up early with my alarm, stepping followed by weight lifting near enough every work day morning before 8.30am. Today, lm not feeling it. I'm waiting anxiously to see if this alternative lifestyle will end, when will it end, when will l return to work, when will l be allowed to mingle with others freely, when will l be free to travel, go to concerts, shows, on holiday, go safely to the shops without being gagged with a mask. When???
Chatting with my Mother yesterday on our usual difficult phone calls- she's deaf, lm deaf, she is 93 so gets confused & muddled. She advised me to stop on at work for my final 5 years as l will benefit from it financially at least. She said l'd have 5 years of company- Huh!!! yeah right. .... This is not the moan she said l was having, this is a fact- l do not have company at work- Company is chatting happily with like minded people, having a laugh, having a bit of banter. In my department after my graft l sit in a windowless gloomy room 8ft square- with some one who doesnt chat, can be narcissitic, greets every single morning with "Ohhh!!!" which straight away sets the scene and the mood for the rest of the time l'm in work. Its mentally draining.
The review- will we/ l go back to my 'usual' routine- pre-lockdown, or will things be different again, new routine, new ways of doing things, will the pupils be back, will 'normal' timetable resume. Reviews are always about moving forward into the new, into the unknown. And thats it isnt it? thats the issue here, thats the cause of the anxiety- the unknown.
Positives about a return to 'normal' full pay, being allowed out-out, going out-out, being set free, being released from our home prisons, from our safety cocoons. Will we emerge like butterflies- flying into the sun, into Spring and warmer weather.......no body as yet knows.......
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