BELITTLED BY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS.......'ATTACKED'!

Its fair to say that l haven't had much luck with relationships, abused all ways by boyfriends, husband and partner.
So l chose to stay single and celibate until my children were 18 and old enough not to be caught up in the bad stuff that happened to me.

I've lived many years now- over a decade in fact with no relationship, no companionship for me alone and to be honest no one has really been interested in being with me like that. Whilst l am no oil painting, l don't regard myself as ugly or nasty. And have busied myself raising my children.  I obviously have an invisible protective shield that prevents anyone from approaching me.

I've gotten used to being an alone, single. unloved, unwanted female of a certain age!!

So when my youngest vacated the family nest l took in a male lodger, with whom l worked with, was friends with and thought l could live with as a friend/ companion. We could talk about all sorts, had interesting conversations, got on well.  But then as he told me he went out Friday nights drinking....that's ok l thought, we're adults l like a drink too.
What l didn't reckon on was a drunken lodger returning 'home' falling in the front door, before crashing into his room where presumably he passed out. I didn't reckon on being transformed back to my past. I froze in fear, what the hell was l to do? should l have gotten up to confront him, help him or what? I stayed in my bed, frozen with fear and upset, at his disrespectful behaviour.

And there it was the act that threw me back years to my abused adulthood. I spoke to him the next few days only to be laughed at and told l'd lived alone to long. Once my anger kicked in l told him to leave.
How dare this drunken incident make me feel, vunerable, upset, scared, nervous and fearful in my own home.

Months of  alone living followed, where l changed a few things in order to repair my mental state. Only to be 'attacked' again, this time by foreign strangers.

Sat in a 'local socialising' hole with family and friends, watching the world go by, enjoying a glass of wine, dancing, and enjoyment. Chatting to the foreign guy whose accompanying mates were very obviously watching and talking about us. I danced, returned to our table, had a drink, headed towards the toilets.............

What happened afterwards l was told about......for l have no recollection at all....not even now.
I'm told l was crying, screaming, being sick, carried outside, carried in my home. Paramedics and other 'strangers' assumed l was the usual drunken, Saturday night slapper...as did a few others in the days that followed.

I regained consciousness on the Sunday, fully clothed, sick, crying, scared and distraught. I was then left alone to 'recover', unable to eat nor drink, l found a straw and sipped water. I was battered mentally, by body hurt, my head hurt, what the hell had happened to me? Why had it happened to me? l'm wasn't a young girl scantily dressed you'd want to have sex with. I'm an over weight over fifty year old woman. So why me?

In the days and months that followed l vowed to myself, not to go out again at night, not there anyway- never in there again at night. I vowed to myself not to drink so much, not that l'd ever been an alcoholic or problem drinker.  But things had changed. I'd been 'attacked' and abused by strangers.

What is it about me that l do or portray to be 'attacked' for no reason?  I am a nice, honest, hard working, law abiding, friendly person...l think. Yet time and time again l find myself being 'attacked'. That might be an over reaction but its how l feel  'attacked'.

Just the other day l mistakenly crossed the road, with my daughter and grandson at pelican lights that l thought had changed, only to be 'told off' by an aggressive policeman who got out of an unmarked car, and shouted at me. WHY?
I/ we made a mistake, the traffic had stopped, we crossed the road. Why did that warrant a verbal 'attack'?

Why does this happen to me? And why do l constantly feel, nervous and wary all the time ?  Why does my head fill with these thoughts and feelings?

And more importantly.....How do l stop it?

Hi -I'M BACK -ME,MYSELF AND I

Hello, how have you all been? Its been a while since l last wrote on here, since l last wrote at all really.
For those new to my blog, l write, rant, review and chat about life, my life, general life and world life.
Since my last "chat" so much has happened, and changed in my life. No. 3 daughter - my youngest of 4,  moved into her own home with her now 18mth old son, leaving me to live alone for the first time ever in my life.
I'm now 53, living with me, myself and l adjusting to a totally ne way of life, thinking, and living in general. I already began the frugal living a while ago, and thanks to this lifestyle l have coped quite well l feel. Emotionally - well that's been different, no one to talk to in person, other than the 3 cats and dog, unless l physically go and visit some one or pick up the phone. I "chat" on the infamous facebook with people, friends and family from a variety of locations- which is lovely. But there is no longer that girly chat about anything and everything. I am still working to pay the bills, like you do, but life at home is different.
My many hobbies have kept me busy, knitting, crocheting, crafting, genealogy etc but there is a void that physical people would normally fill. I live my life like a lonely 80 year old in some respects. Life l assumed would be lived with a partner, husband, friend at "my time of life".
Is my life going to carry on with doom and gloom? NO! its not- me, myself and l gave ourselves a talking to and decided on the onset of the New Year 2014 that 'we' would do 'stuff' by ourselves, with the intention of living life with or without people we know. So l booked us onto a holiday where we will board a coach from our local bus station and go to Scotland for a week in the summer- so 'we' will be alone but not alone!!
Some people have said l'm brave- am l ? I don't think so, more determined not to miss out on living just because 'we're living alone' as one. And if all goes well, 'we' will venture abroad next year- maybe!!!
That's it for now, don't want to bore you all already, but l'll be back more frequently now, well me, myself and l need some one to listen to us don't we? Xx

Dear Government

Dear Government,

Thank you for the break up of my family, for the bedroom tax and the insults.

I am a born and bred British female who works and lives in England.

Since 1994 due to the break down of my long term relationship, l have raised my 4 children, single handedly....and yes l was on benefits in social housing. But l did work, voluntarily, then part time.  And l was totally aware of the lone parent stigma that went with this position.

As my children grew, l worked some more, until such time as the eldest 2 left home, pursued their own lives and worked full time.

I came off benefits, became financially independent, paid full rent and council tax by working 40+ hours a week.

I had a breakdown, child no. 3 worked full time and left home.  So for financial gain and  to cure my empty nest syndrome, l did the sensible thing and downsized my home.

My youngest daughter, the family pets and l moved to a tiny 2 bed housing association house.  Still l worked full time, paid full rent etc.. Youngest daughter left school, attended college, then worked full time. We were financially independent and paying our way in society.

Then due to mental and physical difficulties l decided to cut my employment hours down to just 24 hours a week, in order to have a better work life balance and live a relatively frugal life.  We have no car, no credit cards, no large flat screen TV and no fancy sun baked holidays.

However......things / life went wrong.....

Child no. 3 fell into difficulties and came "home", albeit lodging in the living room, of our tiny 5 roomed house.

We were 3 adult women all working full time jobs, paying our way, living our lives with the family pets... 3 cats and a "staffy" dog.

Youngest daughter/ child no. 4 fell pregnant despite precautions and her relationship broke down.  We opted as a "family" to stay together in order to support one another, still all work and help raise the baby as the 'father' refused anything to do with 'it'.

We sought help from the housing officer requesting a move back to a bigger property. He said child no. 3 earned to much and could live alone privately. And he would re-house youngest daughter before the birth of the baby so she could live without any support on benefits.!!!

Fast track to the here and now, child 3 is living in a privately rented property, but struggles to buy enough food and heating, despite working 40 hours + a week.  Daughter no. 4 with baby are still in our tiny house with me but needs re-housing urgently as she can no longer pay her way.  She needs to be in her own property  in order that she can "live off the system" until she is able to return to work after raising her child. 

This will leave me at 52 with a dilemma.  I will need to claim housing benefit and council tax support as my total income is only £590 per month so would need help to "exist".

If l downsize to a 1 bed over 50's flat, l will probably have to get rid of the family pets.  If l stay l will be penalised for having an empty bedroom  despite having 4 Grandchildren and elderly Mother who like to visit.  Some of the properties available to "bid" on, the requirements state "asbo and drug free for 2 years" with a "Local Letting Plan" which  l believe means ..due for knocking down in the future!!

My boss wont re-increase my hours, l can not afford to visit my elderly mother in the neighbouring county, l can not treat  my grandchildren,l can not afford to socialise.  I don't qualify for any help as l no longer have dependent children. I do not want to leave my secure long term employment as l have been there 11 years.  And l can retire in just 13 years time.

I am not suicidal - but what is the point of my life if l can not live it?

No money, no long term secure home of my choice and the final kick a family history of Alzheimer's.

So Government THANK YOU for my long term, non secure penniless, homeless, family less, pet less future........you've played a blinder.

NEW YEAR NEW START

Hiya Everyone, how you all doing? its been ages l know. Well its the start of 2013, most of us will return to normality on Monday, work, school etc.  but how depressing is that thought?  Having to get up when its dark, woken by electronic devices at a set time, kicking back into the "old routine" of up, wee, wash, dress, make up, breakfast, walk to work, slog your guts out, break, work, lunch, work, home. Work at home, wash up, tea, tv, bed & repeat daily until next given time off.....for me that'll be a couple of days in February. And for pitence. I chose to live a frugal life, because l want to live my life instead of just working it... l have never been the career type. My career is/ was being a Mother..full time, un- paid, 24/7, 365 days a year times 4. Now my youngest Grandchild shares my home with his Mum, so this career continues. Whilst l enjoy my frugality 95% of the time, there is a 5% bit of me that longs to have the finances to be able to shop when l want, to go places l want to go to, to attend concerts l want to see, and it is mostly at this time of year. When after the expense of Christmas, when the weather is damp & dull... and yes in the UK its like that most of the year!!! I crave some joy from monetary means and the thought of having to return to work to gain my measily monetary means is depressing..But l dare say 2 days back into the "old routine" of working life, l - we will no longer feel depressed, we will instead interact with fellow workers, chatting about the over eating, over spending, over sleeping time we've all had off.

The great thing about a New Year is just that it is New, its is fresh, and yes we will have to repeat some part of it but mostly we can look forward to new beginnings, new months, new brighter weather, longer days, shorter dark nights and with the beginnings of Spring all this current negativity will be but a memory.

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

2012-HISTORY

2012 in the UK is planned as an epic historical year.

We host the Olympics and our Queens Golden Jubilee- 60 years of one lady doing her job.

In the town in which l have lived for over 20 years, there are a variety of events planned to celebrate these historic events.

Yet in my home l am the only one interested.  I am the only one who wants to be there when the Olympic torch arrives in our town and ignites the symbolic beacon.  ( The photo above was taken in our town after this was written.)  I am the only one who wants to be apart of this history. 

When my grandchild not yet born, gets taught about the Olympics and the Queen and gets told about this years events- in the year that they were born- their parent and aunts will say they weren't interested, they couldn't be bothered.  Which l feel is a bad attitude to have towards the town and country's future.

This year is already shaping up to be a year of boys births, when 2 years ago it was mostly girls named Maisy.

I would like to say l was there when the town in which my new grandchild was born celebrated these historic events.

Same as l was able to say when the late Princess Diana visited. 

These are free celebrations and joyous occasions in a year that will bring personal hardship and sacrifices because of one persons pleasure.

I want to be part of the celebrations as it is me that will face the hardship and me that will make yet more sacrifices.

Yet, l will celebrate alone, l feel, as l have no one else to share these events with.  No one else in my family is interested or can be bothered.

I seem to have bred off spring whose enthusiasm and interest in others is sadly lacking.  Off spring who respect no one other than themselves.  Who do not see outside of their own blinkered boxes.  As they are my off spring, is that my doing?  Or is it apart of their peerage? Is it part of society with whom history has no part, no place, where historical events mean nothing.  Where the only events that matter to them are personal ones, births, deaths and marriages.  Actually scrap the marriages in their lives marriage and solid family units don't exist anymore, for the most part 'the family' is a mum and child or a sperm donor.  This to them is the norm.  This lifestyle does not need history and monarchy and countrywide patriotism.

After all we are English we don't even celebrate our Saints day unlike the Irish.

As a child of a London born Mother, l was taken to see a variety of Royal events and visits.  I celebrated the Queens Silver Jubilee, l was taken to a variety of Royal establishments.  I cried at the demise of some Royals. I watched events on TV all 50 years of my life.

My off spring like alot of the town and country will enjoy the allocated extra days off work but not the reason for this time off. History and historic events are in the past, they are old. My off spring are not old so have no past and no history.



post script.Since  writing this article my pregnant daughter and l attended the Olympic Torch event and thoroughly enjoyed it..

ANXIETY

I've had two and a half weeks Easter holiday time off work, which means no contact with the regular people l talk to, no walking, no work, no walking the dog, no routine.

Went back to work Monday - alone- couldn't do alot as maintenance men hadn't finished what they had to do.  Went for a brief chat with some of the girls. 

Have had a sore throat since previous Thursday which has developed into a cold.  Left work before lunchtime as there was nothing else l could do.  Saw my line manager who said he'd see me next Monday. Dept. boss away. Told line manager l'd be back in 2 days so other stuff could be done.

Since returning home cold has increased  and worsened, achy, coughing, lethargic, generally felt like crap, slept for 2 days.  Due back in tomorrow l week on from start of cold/ viral infection.!!

I have no voice, still coughing, not sleeping at night, drugs keep me awake, but make me feel OK-ish!!

Mental state, - questionable. Not feeling 100%, thought of going to work alone - scary.  Next week when every ones back in will be fine.  This week horrible.

Worried what people will think, don't think any ones even noticed I'm not in, have no contact at all, no ones text, or phoned to see if I'm OK or ask where l am. Obviously not missed.

Will go in Friday do what needs doing before Monday.  Need a bath and to change clothes I've been in for 3 days!!!!

Need to raise my confidence, need to push myself as no one else will.   Monday even if l feel rough can hide behind politeness and good manners.  Tuesday will be busy and back in the game of my working routine- 6 day weeks for next 5 weeks. From two and half weeks off- nigh on 3 and half weeks to 5 weeks on work routine, hustle and bustle of normality where there is no time for anxiety.

ALONE

This was written a while ago.

I sit in bed alone, because a daughter sleeps in the living room of our tiny 2 up 2 down house.  In the other bedroom sleeps another daughter-pregnant.

We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And some are blessed with life partners, a wife, a husband, a soul mate a friend with whom they share laughter, tears, words and thoughts.

Me, I'm alone, always have been, with the exception of a few years and a handful of friends with whom I've shared moments with.

There are 3 of us in this home, this house, but l am alone.

In youth we/ l obied my Mother, l wore what she said, l went where she said, l ate what she said l should eat.  Then we moved.

We belonged, we had friends, me and my brother, because he was my companion we were told to go everywhere together- stay together, we played up the 'rec'., at the 'Smiths' amazing house.

Then the teen years edged in and then l changed schools, l had 3 'besties' then- as girls tend to do.  One main one, - a  lone child with an older Dad and a tired Mother. But she was my buddy, my 'real friend'!

Then we moved.

Bullied, victimised, living above a shop as we always did, unhappy..

Then we moved.

High above another shop in a huge flat, scarred from previous experiences, my brother and l spent the summer in the park or swimming. We made friends.  I didn't have a girl- friend until we started back at school- then made 3!!

but they were army kids, so used to making and breaking friends and moving about. I was cautious- shy, nervous.

Then- they moved- l left school.

I worked in the shop, isolated, joined employment agencies - alone.  Travelled to a city alone.  Applied for the Navy- alone.  Landed a Junior post in the city, walked a mile to the station, commuted alone. Worked with bitchy women, met people whilst commuting, socialised, met men - married men- alone!   Commuted back and forth, walked home, stayed home with parents high above the shop.  Went to local 'disco' with my brother, met soldiers, got engaged, broke up. Met an old school mate, became inseparable, began a life, socialised together, went clubbing, got drunk, met more soldiers- squaddies.

Met P&A, became a foursome. They got engaged,so l got engaged. What they did, we did.  Lost jobs, New jobs.

Then we moved.

Same job, new house.  Pregnant, choices = abortion, adoption or marriage. No discussion, no chat, no support.  Left home, miscarried, taken back home, 'told' to stay away from fiance. No discussion, no chat, no support.

Then l moved.

Me and A- 1 room- bedsit-pregnant-married.

Then we moved.

Babies, seasonal friends. Divorce. Torrid affair. Betrayed.

Then l moved.

Mountain top, new country, 2 babies-alone.

Cried lots, no support, mates not friends. New man= another baby.

Then we moved.

A Home- another baby- real friends- Life, Love, betrayal, devastation, shock, tears, the nightmare.

Friends, support, discussion, strength, love, changes.

New man- no friends- alone.

Then we moved-moon light flit.

Year of hell, pit of despair, no friends, no family, no life, pain, beatings, abuse. Desperation, survival, fighting, scared, total desperation, evicted. Alone.

Survival, life check, humble pie, apologies, strength, escape.

Then we moved- my children and l .

Back to reality, friends, life, love, mega strength, stronger, loved, new friends- new life.

Then we moved.

Worked, socialised, life, work, children grew, children left, wedding, grand children, home, work.

No socialising, no love, breakdown, Alone.

Alone, Empty nest, work.

Then l moved.

Me, teenager, animals, work, no socialising, no love, work, home, work. Alone

No support, no discussion, no chat, no laughter.  Home alone with 2 adult children.

No partner, no companion, no one to share, no one to hug ALONE on my own.