Sunday, 27 April 2014
BELITTLED BY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS.......'ATTACKED'!
So l chose to stay single and celibate until my children were 18 and old enough not to be caught up in the bad stuff that happened to me.
I've lived many years now- over a decade in fact with no relationship, no companionship for me alone and to be honest no one has really been interested in being with me like that. Whilst l am no oil painting, l don't regard myself as ugly or nasty. And have busied myself raising my children. I obviously have an invisible protective shield that prevents anyone from approaching me.
I've gotten used to being an alone, single. unloved, unwanted female of a certain age!!
So when my youngest vacated the family nest l took in a male lodger, with whom l worked with, was friends with and thought l could live with as a friend/ companion. We could talk about all sorts, had interesting conversations, got on well. But then as he told me he went out Friday nights drinking....that's ok l thought, we're adults l like a drink too.
What l didn't reckon on was a drunken lodger returning 'home' falling in the front door, before crashing into his room where presumably he passed out. I didn't reckon on being transformed back to my past. I froze in fear, what the hell was l to do? should l have gotten up to confront him, help him or what? I stayed in my bed, frozen with fear and upset, at his disrespectful behaviour.
And there it was the act that threw me back years to my abused adulthood. I spoke to him the next few days only to be laughed at and told l'd lived alone to long. Once my anger kicked in l told him to leave.
How dare this drunken incident make me feel, vunerable, upset, scared, nervous and fearful in my own home.
Months of alone living followed, where l changed a few things in order to repair my mental state. Only to be 'attacked' again, this time by foreign strangers.
Sat in a 'local socialising' hole with family and friends, watching the world go by, enjoying a glass of wine, dancing, and enjoyment. Chatting to the foreign guy whose accompanying mates were very obviously watching and talking about us. I danced, returned to our table, had a drink, headed towards the toilets.............
What happened afterwards l was told about......for l have no recollection at all....not even now.
I'm told l was crying, screaming, being sick, carried outside, carried in my home. Paramedics and other 'strangers' assumed l was the usual drunken, Saturday night slapper...as did a few others in the days that followed.
I regained consciousness on the Sunday, fully clothed, sick, crying, scared and distraught. I was then left alone to 'recover', unable to eat nor drink, l found a straw and sipped water. I was battered mentally, by body hurt, my head hurt, what the hell had happened to me? Why had it happened to me? l'm wasn't a young girl scantily dressed you'd want to have sex with. I'm an over weight over fifty year old woman. So why me?
In the days and months that followed l vowed to myself, not to go out again at night, not there anyway- never in there again at night. I vowed to myself not to drink so much, not that l'd ever been an alcoholic or problem drinker. But things had changed. I'd been 'attacked' and abused by strangers.
What is it about me that l do or portray to be 'attacked' for no reason? I am a nice, honest, hard working, law abiding, friendly person...l think. Yet time and time again l find myself being 'attacked'. That might be an over reaction but its how l feel 'attacked'.
Just the other day l mistakenly crossed the road, with my daughter and grandson at pelican lights that l thought had changed, only to be 'told off' by an aggressive policeman who got out of an unmarked car, and shouted at me. WHY?
I/ we made a mistake, the traffic had stopped, we crossed the road. Why did that warrant a verbal 'attack'?
Why does this happen to me? And why do l constantly feel, nervous and wary all the time ? Why does my head fill with these thoughts and feelings?
And more importantly.....How do l stop it?