Tuesday, 10 June 2014
I'M NOT READY
I pride myself in being a level headed person and my age as I've crossed several major milestones has never been a problem.
In fact my 40th was amazing, as l had achieved all of my ambitions by then. They weren't major to anyone other than me, but l achieved them none the less.
My 50th was epic, l had a pre-50th party at 49!! Which was pretty crazy, alcohol fuelled and very fun. My actual 50th lasted several months as well. My children arranged my first ever surprise party, attended by my very best friends, old and new. Attended by a lot of people which made me feel very liked and loved.
I was also given some amazing presents again by my children and had just the best year ever.
With 4 children and 4 grandchildren l have remained, l feel young at heart without being immature.
And l have recently begun to actually live my life my way, because my birds have flown the family nest and left me alone.
I always believed that life is like a book and we live mapped out chapters. We're born, we're nurtured - (most of us), we learn, we grow, we attend school, we leave school having loved it or hated it.
Then we reach a crossroads some take the college/ university career route, others work and some get married and have babies - regenerating the population.
When we're done, we 'find ourselves' and settle into mature adulthood, reaching the top of the life mountain at 50.
From 50 life starts the slowing down process, the downward path and l always believed we're meant to do this bit with a life partner, soul mate, the love of our lives. For me this hasn't happened and l find myself rethinking things, my life plan of growing old with 'some one' until l retire then die is now in reality going to be a solitary journey. And l was okay with that until this week.
My doctor gave me my blood test results and whilst not drastically bad are a wake up call to my own mortality.
If things don't improve l may be at risk of heart attack when I'm 63- whilst this is 10 years away, the thought that when I'm about to retire from the world of employment my days / life could end is quite frankly scary.
I'm not saying if you have a heart attack that's it you will die, but the possibility is in fact there.
So for the first time ever l feel vulnerable, l feel l need to take control in order to move the goal posts. In my book we live for a 100 years. And certainly in my family the women last forever, the blokes not so. I want to carry on the slow descent of life- not have a rapid drop hit the ground and that's it.
I'm 53 and l can and will do all l can to keep the slow demise, to halt and delay the onset of old age and the inevitable - death- the end of life.
I'm young-ish!, I'm not ready to die because l have things to do, places to go and people to meet.