NEW YEAR NEW START

Hiya Everyone, how you all doing? its been ages l know. Well its the start of 2013, most of us will return to normality on Monday, work, school etc.  but how depressing is that thought?  Having to get up when its dark, woken by electronic devices at a set time, kicking back into the "old routine" of up, wee, wash, dress, make up, breakfast, walk to work, slog your guts out, break, work, lunch, work, home. Work at home, wash up, tea, tv, bed & repeat daily until next given time off.....for me that'll be a couple of days in February. And for pitence. I chose to live a frugal life, because l want to live my life instead of just working it... l have never been the career type. My career is/ was being a Mother..full time, un- paid, 24/7, 365 days a year times 4. Now my youngest Grandchild shares my home with his Mum, so this career continues. Whilst l enjoy my frugality 95% of the time, there is a 5% bit of me that longs to have the finances to be able to shop when l want, to go places l want to go to, to attend concerts l want to see, and it is mostly at this time of year. When after the expense of Christmas, when the weather is damp & dull... and yes in the UK its like that most of the year!!! I crave some joy from monetary means and the thought of having to return to work to gain my measily monetary means is depressing..But l dare say 2 days back into the "old routine" of working life, l - we will no longer feel depressed, we will instead interact with fellow workers, chatting about the over eating, over spending, over sleeping time we've all had off.

The great thing about a New Year is just that it is New, its is fresh, and yes we will have to repeat some part of it but mostly we can look forward to new beginnings, new months, new brighter weather, longer days, shorter dark nights and with the beginnings of Spring all this current negativity will be but a memory.

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

2012-HISTORY

2012 in the UK is planned as an epic historical year.

We host the Olympics and our Queens Golden Jubilee- 60 years of one lady doing her job.

In the town in which l have lived for over 20 years, there are a variety of events planned to celebrate these historic events.

Yet in my home l am the only one interested.  I am the only one who wants to be there when the Olympic torch arrives in our town and ignites the symbolic beacon.  ( The photo above was taken in our town after this was written.)  I am the only one who wants to be apart of this history. 

When my grandchild not yet born, gets taught about the Olympics and the Queen and gets told about this years events- in the year that they were born- their parent and aunts will say they weren't interested, they couldn't be bothered.  Which l feel is a bad attitude to have towards the town and country's future.

This year is already shaping up to be a year of boys births, when 2 years ago it was mostly girls named Maisy.

I would like to say l was there when the town in which my new grandchild was born celebrated these historic events.

Same as l was able to say when the late Princess Diana visited. 

These are free celebrations and joyous occasions in a year that will bring personal hardship and sacrifices because of one persons pleasure.

I want to be part of the celebrations as it is me that will face the hardship and me that will make yet more sacrifices.

Yet, l will celebrate alone, l feel, as l have no one else to share these events with.  No one else in my family is interested or can be bothered.

I seem to have bred off spring whose enthusiasm and interest in others is sadly lacking.  Off spring who respect no one other than themselves.  Who do not see outside of their own blinkered boxes.  As they are my off spring, is that my doing?  Or is it apart of their peerage? Is it part of society with whom history has no part, no place, where historical events mean nothing.  Where the only events that matter to them are personal ones, births, deaths and marriages.  Actually scrap the marriages in their lives marriage and solid family units don't exist anymore, for the most part 'the family' is a mum and child or a sperm donor.  This to them is the norm.  This lifestyle does not need history and monarchy and countrywide patriotism.

After all we are English we don't even celebrate our Saints day unlike the Irish.

As a child of a London born Mother, l was taken to see a variety of Royal events and visits.  I celebrated the Queens Silver Jubilee, l was taken to a variety of Royal establishments.  I cried at the demise of some Royals. I watched events on TV all 50 years of my life.

My off spring like alot of the town and country will enjoy the allocated extra days off work but not the reason for this time off. History and historic events are in the past, they are old. My off spring are not old so have no past and no history.



post script.Since  writing this article my pregnant daughter and l attended the Olympic Torch event and thoroughly enjoyed it..

ANXIETY

I've had two and a half weeks Easter holiday time off work, which means no contact with the regular people l talk to, no walking, no work, no walking the dog, no routine.

Went back to work Monday - alone- couldn't do alot as maintenance men hadn't finished what they had to do.  Went for a brief chat with some of the girls. 

Have had a sore throat since previous Thursday which has developed into a cold.  Left work before lunchtime as there was nothing else l could do.  Saw my line manager who said he'd see me next Monday. Dept. boss away. Told line manager l'd be back in 2 days so other stuff could be done.

Since returning home cold has increased  and worsened, achy, coughing, lethargic, generally felt like crap, slept for 2 days.  Due back in tomorrow l week on from start of cold/ viral infection.!!

I have no voice, still coughing, not sleeping at night, drugs keep me awake, but make me feel OK-ish!!

Mental state, - questionable. Not feeling 100%, thought of going to work alone - scary.  Next week when every ones back in will be fine.  This week horrible.

Worried what people will think, don't think any ones even noticed I'm not in, have no contact at all, no ones text, or phoned to see if I'm OK or ask where l am. Obviously not missed.

Will go in Friday do what needs doing before Monday.  Need a bath and to change clothes I've been in for 3 days!!!!

Need to raise my confidence, need to push myself as no one else will.   Monday even if l feel rough can hide behind politeness and good manners.  Tuesday will be busy and back in the game of my working routine- 6 day weeks for next 5 weeks. From two and half weeks off- nigh on 3 and half weeks to 5 weeks on work routine, hustle and bustle of normality where there is no time for anxiety.

ALONE

This was written a while ago.

I sit in bed alone, because a daughter sleeps in the living room of our tiny 2 up 2 down house.  In the other bedroom sleeps another daughter-pregnant.

We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And some are blessed with life partners, a wife, a husband, a soul mate a friend with whom they share laughter, tears, words and thoughts.

Me, I'm alone, always have been, with the exception of a few years and a handful of friends with whom I've shared moments with.

There are 3 of us in this home, this house, but l am alone.

In youth we/ l obied my Mother, l wore what she said, l went where she said, l ate what she said l should eat.  Then we moved.

We belonged, we had friends, me and my brother, because he was my companion we were told to go everywhere together- stay together, we played up the 'rec'., at the 'Smiths' amazing house.

Then the teen years edged in and then l changed schools, l had 3 'besties' then- as girls tend to do.  One main one, - a  lone child with an older Dad and a tired Mother. But she was my buddy, my 'real friend'!

Then we moved.

Bullied, victimised, living above a shop as we always did, unhappy..

Then we moved.

High above another shop in a huge flat, scarred from previous experiences, my brother and l spent the summer in the park or swimming. We made friends.  I didn't have a girl- friend until we started back at school- then made 3!!

but they were army kids, so used to making and breaking friends and moving about. I was cautious- shy, nervous.

Then- they moved- l left school.

I worked in the shop, isolated, joined employment agencies - alone.  Travelled to a city alone.  Applied for the Navy- alone.  Landed a Junior post in the city, walked a mile to the station, commuted alone. Worked with bitchy women, met people whilst commuting, socialised, met men - married men- alone!   Commuted back and forth, walked home, stayed home with parents high above the shop.  Went to local 'disco' with my brother, met soldiers, got engaged, broke up. Met an old school mate, became inseparable, began a life, socialised together, went clubbing, got drunk, met more soldiers- squaddies.

Met P&A, became a foursome. They got engaged,so l got engaged. What they did, we did.  Lost jobs, New jobs.

Then we moved.

Same job, new house.  Pregnant, choices = abortion, adoption or marriage. No discussion, no chat, no support.  Left home, miscarried, taken back home, 'told' to stay away from fiance. No discussion, no chat, no support.

Then l moved.

Me and A- 1 room- bedsit-pregnant-married.

Then we moved.

Babies, seasonal friends. Divorce. Torrid affair. Betrayed.

Then l moved.

Mountain top, new country, 2 babies-alone.

Cried lots, no support, mates not friends. New man= another baby.

Then we moved.

A Home- another baby- real friends- Life, Love, betrayal, devastation, shock, tears, the nightmare.

Friends, support, discussion, strength, love, changes.

New man- no friends- alone.

Then we moved-moon light flit.

Year of hell, pit of despair, no friends, no family, no life, pain, beatings, abuse. Desperation, survival, fighting, scared, total desperation, evicted. Alone.

Survival, life check, humble pie, apologies, strength, escape.

Then we moved- my children and l .

Back to reality, friends, life, love, mega strength, stronger, loved, new friends- new life.

Then we moved.

Worked, socialised, life, work, children grew, children left, wedding, grand children, home, work.

No socialising, no love, breakdown, Alone.

Alone, Empty nest, work.

Then l moved.

Me, teenager, animals, work, no socialising, no love, work, home, work. Alone

No support, no discussion, no chat, no laughter.  Home alone with 2 adult children.

No partner, no companion, no one to share, no one to hug ALONE on my own.

FEELING LOW

Pull yourself together, ring me anytime, let it go over your head, that's the end of it now, talk to me.

These are all comments made to people who have 'a depressive episode'. Not just an off day, but real sunken, can't cope feelings. The depth of these feelings varies from person to person, from situation to situation. One persons low is not the same as anothers, but the desperate despair we feel probably is.

The isolated, lonely feeling- even though you are surrounded by people.

The tears from little trickles to monsoons which join forces with gut wrenching, heart breaking pain which leaves you puffy eyed and physically drained.

The IBS symptoms because some one has come to the door or phoned you.

The psychological reasons which make what you are feeling logical but you still feel them.  Feeling hurt, desperate, lonely, panicky etc doesn't stop you being intelligent enough to know you have a problem.  You know that group of people you're grieving over is irrational, but they represent a whole heap of things, its not them you're grieving over, its the memories they arouse, its the realisation that, that chapter in your life is going to end, it has to end to make way for the new exciting chapter that is about to start.  You know that. But you still feel stupid, like no one will under stand, no one will 'get it'.  Its not stupid, it doesn't make you stupid, the grief makes you feel stupid, which brings you down. Its OK to hurt, when something in your life that was/ is important to you, that you have a passion for, ends.

Everyone deals with these events differently, in their own way, there is no wrong or right way.

It all becomes a problem when it gets to much to handle alone. That's when the cry for help needs attention.

Very sadly, sometimes these cries go unheard, until it is to late.

You 'cant pull  yourself together' because you don't have the emotional strength, you don't know how, you don't know what to do.

You can't 'ring at anytime' because you feel you will disturb the helper, they didn't actually mean anytime, you don't want to put the helper out.

'Let it go over your head', stupid comments/ remarks that niggle at you, that play on your mind, when you are alone, that fester. You know they are pathetic, not important. But they're still there, they were still made.

'Thats the end of ot', you've had your tantrums, your tears, your alcohol infused hissy fit, 'get over it'.

Mentally when you're low, depressed, grieving etc you can not do any of these, you can not tell some one how low you feel, how you are hurting inside. You can hide in your home, or go away, or lose yourself to substances. But faced once more with reality you are back at square one.

You can not physically lift the phone to tell your boss you aren't coming in. Texting/ emailing helps, because you are not facing or hearing a real person. Just because you have no outward physical symptoms doesn't mean you are not ill, doesn't mean you are skiving off work.

At what point do you go and get help, do you venture into the outside in your unkempt puffy eyed state to face your GP or who ever helps you and say "l have a mental health  problem" ...HELP ME

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

What is the Freedom of Speech, according to Wikipedia, it is the concept of the inherent human right to voice one's opinion publicly without fear of censorship or punishment. "Speech" is not limited to public speaking and is generally taken to include other forms of expression. The right is preserved in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights and is granted formal recognition by the laws of most nations. ..............

So thats the official version. This is now MY version. I thought we in the UK have the right to our own opinions, to voice our own opinions, to tell 'it' how 'we' see it, in our own words.

Apparently, this is not the case.  If you sit on a public mode of transport, or in a local pub and bitch about the usual things work, the weather, what ever thats ok.  But if you write your joking opinion on a social networking site like Facebook with same friends you can get into trouble with your employers for making inapproriate comments.

Even though the anonymity of a complainent remains confidential, they have obviously discussed behind your back a situation in which your name has been mentioned and they have deemed offensive your comments. Thats ok, thats allowed.

Your privacy has been breached in order to investigate said allegations of offensive speech/ opinion, you have been topic of conversation, in derogatory terms no doubt, in order for a complaint to be made, but thats ok, thats allowed.

Even though you do not know the identity of the complainent or indeed their opinion of the situation in question, you can and will be reprimanded, because of what you wrote as a throw away, flippant remark- not a malicious, slanderous remark, no a sarcastic jovial remark.  Because you are on a public networking site most choose to be diploimatic when "chatting" they dont name names, they imply indirect comments, so between certain individuals can share things.

Yet again in my opinion, it is deemed that being an honest, open person will get you shit on from a great height, you will be told that your own honest opinions are wrong.

So l say in my own personal way why bother to be an honest, truthful, hardworking individual. Take on the attitude that will see you right, that of lying, cheating, blagging, bull shitting your way through life. Beg, steal, borrow to make an easy buck. Sit on your lazy arse, do nothing, live of others, milk the system, because all this appears to be the way to go these days.  And obviously people do not talk behind peoples backs, people do not discuss others away from them because that would be wrong- BULLSHIT!!

Most of us wont do this because we have a conscience, because we are honest, truthful, hardworking, genuine nice people, we are proud people, if asked something we anwser honestly. But is that wrong? Is that a common opinion?

THE POWER OF A PICTURE

                                                 FRED & LILY
                                                    OCT.1924

They say a picture speaks a thousand words and they're right- whoever 'they' are.

I became 'virtual friends' with fellow author and genealogist Smadar Belkind-Gerson  (author of Stored Treasures) when she 'posted' an article about her late relatives. What caught my eye was the photograph Smadar included with the article- it drew me in - to read it.  I was fascinated and always have been by old photography, particularly those of people from the past.

So when l received an out of the blue email from my cousin - son of my late Dads sister- l quickly opened it to reveal 2 'attachments'- photographs of my Grandad Fred - whom l met and have fond memories. And Fred's bride my Nan Lily- whom l have never met, and never ever seen until now. Lily is my Dads biological Mother who sadly died when he was just 7 - actually he was 6 as l have the burial records confirming that she died 5th July 1934, Dads birthday was 13th July.

The emailed pictures are of Fred & Lily on their wedding day October 1924, very smart and very happy.  Both are very, very nicely dressed so financially they were doing well, and had a good life back then. Fred looks so proud and tall. It is very sad to know that this happiness was short lived.  They went on to have by Dad in 1925 followed by my Aunt 2 years later.

The other photograph is a side shot of Lily again very smartly dressed- l see my Aunt in her and some of my Dads traits.

Smadar- said "New-old pictures are powerful" and boy was she right!  I was overwhelmed and emotional seeing these treasures.  'Meeting' Lily for the first time, there are no records in the family of her, my Aunt was just 5 and Dad nigh on 7 when they lost their Mother, my research and the little information l had found Lily  born in Calver, Derbys in 1896 in a very large family, which I've been able to trace back to 1841.  A side of Dads family and history l know nothing about.  Cousins I've never heard of nor met and l'm guessing there are alot of these still alive today.

I can't stop staring at these photos, studying them, particularly the wedding one.  Lily cradles a bouquet of chrysanthemums, so am guessing that they provided a splash of vibrant colour and perfume to her beautiful 1920's wedding dress.  Her long gloves, head dress and even the shoes are absolutely beautifully detailed.

Likewise Fred holds what looks like leather gloves and a bowler hat, his large hands crossed, posed for the picture - l remember those hands- large and strong like he was. I have those large knuckles. He looks so, so happy.

Its quite ironic that these photos should appear now - this week the week in which my youngest daughter found out that her unborn baby is a BOY and will be named Freddie after this happy proud man. It is a joy and confirmation that Freddie was meant to be. My daughter right from the early stages of pregnancy could not find suitable names other than Freddie- a family name. Lily was a possibility for the middle name of a girl.  Fred will be some one for the new Freddie to aspire to when he's 27 like his Great, Great Grandad is in the picture.

It feels like l have come full circle now, l have photos of both sets of Grand parents, any information beyond them is a bonus - and l do have a mass of information about their Grandparents, and their Grandparents back to 1538 in some cases. Especially on Freds side.  I 'know' who you all are now and that feels good.

Lily will never know how thrilled l am to have 'met' her.  I have loved her name and her choice of wedding flowers are among my favourites and actually she has my Dads familiar smile.  Her short loved life with the only Grandfather l ever met has inspired me to find her family- once again- the side of my Dads family we never knew, but had heard snippets of.

Lily- l feel your pictures will open up new chapters in my life and l hope if you're up there with Fred and Dad looking down on my life you would be proud and happy for me - your Grand-daughter, my 4 adult children and your 3.5  Great Great Grandchildren.  They like me would have loved you.

The emotions and feelings stirred up through my encounter, my epic meeting with the Grand-mother l have yearned to 'meet' for so many years are themselves indescribable.

A picture not only speaks a thousands words it creates the power of a thousand emotions.