WORST MONTH OF THE YEAR

I've always regarded October a hard month. Whilst the colours of Autumn are beautiful and for me are the best part of the year. Emotionally, mentally, its the hardest.

So a year ago, l left work for the last time ever.  Not a job l loved in particular, you either work to live or live to work in my opinion. I worked to be able to live, to pay bills like everyone else. To put food on the table, provide for my children.  But then I became down hearted, whilst I liked the people I dealt with every day, they were more than colleagues, some of them anyway. The work was at times therapeutic and at times rewarding- Making good a workshop with back breaking graft, seeing the end results was rewarding, a sense of achievement.  It didn't always go unnoticed. But after 22 years of grafting for many years, 6 days a week. To then being treated, or made to feel like l didn't matter had a huge impact on me.  I was fortunate to be in a position to be able to say that's enough. I am worth it and l do matter. So l left.

In the year that's passed ive travelled to many, many places, met many new people, found my happy places by the sea or in the safety of woods/forests with in stately home parks. Being able to wander aimlessly amongst huge, tall trees, even in the rain, is beautiful. It is calming and very, very good for the soul. It's something lve relished.

October is a month of family birthdays with significance, my Grandmother Minnie was born 3 Oct 1887, my late Mum and her twin arrived 13 October 1927, followed by my firstborn baby/ daughter 23 October 1982, and add in a granddaughter too on 17th October. All strong women.  The other significant date for me is 28 October 1991, when we lost the only man I've ever been able to trust, who loved me for me, my gentle loving Dad.  Missed so much. 

I find myself, as many others do, reflecting on what ifs, good times, sad times many memories. I m glad Dad got to walk me down the aisle he was so nervous and proud. He made me feel special.. I'm glad he got to become a loving Grandad, a loving Uncle to my cousins. I wish I'd spent more time talking to him, asking about his life before "us". Sadly, we dont do this until its too late, even then it doesn't always happen because we're too busy with life stuff going on.  That's why l write. Because if l never get to chat with my Grandbabies about stuff and life, before they will still be able to read what l wanted to say.

October 23rd 1982, 2.12am, l became a Mother, Mum and l remember looking down at this little bundle, thinking oh wow im responsible for her for the rest of her life, for the whole of her life. How things change.

Forty-three years on and coerced by others, life events, and incidents my heart yearns for that day to return so l could right wrongs. We've had no physical contact for 2 years, not since Mum passed and inheritance objects were collected. Despite only living a stone's throw away. I had to let go of that little bundle, I had to let her live her life her way, I had to let her be coerced, miss out on so much family stuff, so many family events, incidents. She's an adult who has been for 20+ years, but still in my heart she remains that little bundle, she's still my daughter, my firstborn. And it hurts a lot. It breaks my heart that we can't celebrate her special day like l do all the other family birthdays, and there are a lot of them now.  I even still celebrate Mum's birthday with flowers - white roses light her candle and remember. 

So this year, forgive me for wallowing if you like, I write and say l dont like October. The once 8th month of the year, where seasons change, weather changes, clocks change, nights become darker earlier, the cosy stop indoors days happen.  Animals hibernate, hunker down for the Winter, and trees shed their multi coloured leaves, ready to rest and rejuvenate. 

It has a lot going for it in October, but for me, it's the Worst month of the year.

 

MY WINTER SOLSTICE 2024

 

Solstice 2024 started when I was woken at 3:20 a.m. I was dressed at 6:30 a.m., with the Durga Mantra playing and Palo Santo incense burning before breakfast.

Then sat gazing into the pitch blackness of the early morning until gone 7am when the Last Quarter Moon of 2024 showed her face- said Good morning and left, camera shy today.

Then onwards to my favorite place the normally tranquil Chalice Well. I didn't stay until the complete end of today's celebrations, l didn't need to. I did what l went there to do. And that was to meditate let in the new light, said goodbye to the darkness, bought the things l needed to buy, helped a random old lady. And left feeling fulfilled.

I was complimented by a random stranger saying how festive l looked in my red trousers and green/ silver scarf, before being wished a Happy Christmas. 

Then onto the Well entering now as a Companion/ Member- being told l was now part of a community that would soon become family- how lovely is that?

And given a walking stick by a handsome stranger whilst in the gardens- albeit a pice of bamboo. It helped though as the lawns were muddy and slippery.

All compliments lifted my heart and made me smile.

The normal tranquillity of the Well was swarming with hundreds of people all there to welcome in the Winter Solstice new light- and she didn't disappoint- bang on cue of the silent minute of 12 Noon the sun popped her hazy head out of the clouds. 

And during our silent meditation the Icy winds of Winter blew in fresh air to remind us of where we are naturally and blew away the dark, dullness of the past few Winter days.

Ending with the magical vibration of the Ohm triple chant which never fails to amaze me, you can actually feel the vibration.

Vegan refreshments served and a welcoming coffee, balanced under the beautiful Yew tree twins, where strong winds tried to claim plates and crumbs. I decided l was done. l didn't want to wait for the fire ceremony and the drumming in of the new seasonal cycle. So l made a hasty retreat stopping off to get the small items l needed before heading to the bus stop for an early bus home.

Whilst waiting under the shelter l observed an old dear hobbling along with walking stick, bag and  french stick loaf of bread which was upside down in its flimsy bag, it was very close to escaping her cuddled grip.  I immediately jumped to her aid to rescue the bread and help her on the cobbled street. I wished her well and off she went on her merry way.

Then sat in the comfort of the bus for the trail home the sun shown bright and warm the whole way home. 

Safe to say the l think the New light has dawned and the Winter Solstice is done for another year.

TYNTESFIELD HOUSE- FRI. 13TH DEC. 2024

 

My first ever December coach trip, come with me. 

Today, we are off to the National Trust Tyntesfield House, a Victorian estate near Wraxall, Bristol.

It's 7.45am its still dark and dull, fingers crossed for a little daylight.  Tytnesfield is apparently all about Christmas, so looking forward to getting in the spirit.

Once everyone had been picked up, it took about an hour. The weather wasn't kind—dull, drizzly stuff all day—but I decided to embrace it. So long as you're dressed accordingly—recent coat and footwear—then it's fine.

The house is amazing was home to a guy called William Gibbs his wife and their 7 children.!!  Of the houses I've visited this one felt homely, as the rooms were small. In the reading room the Christmas tree was made of books, in the games room trees were made from pool cues and cut-out playing cards. In the sewing room there too were decorations made from buttons.  As I entered the house we were met by the sound of a piano playing and flutist which was very Christmassy.

Up the tiny, tiny spiral stone staircase into the quaint little chapel adorned with a beautiful dried flower wreath.

1.10pm after a trek down to the beautifully walled kitchen garden which is a far distance from the house.  I sat on a stone bench in the damp silence of the garden, the house is to my right but I'm facing a corridor of well-manicured shrubs. Watching the robin which has followed me all day.  The sky is a thick white cloud but the marked twigs and branches are laden with the glass beads of rain.  

And there is absolute silence.

It is absolute bliss.  Partaking in the air back in the day would've been glorious.

And as I'm fast discovering these places- stately homes, and grand estates are seasonal. You could come here any time of the year and view things differently.

Today is Divine Feminine Day Fri. 13th Dec. its dark dull and damp but still magical.

The walled kitchen garden is a far walk away from the house and was built in 1896 when my Grandad was born, its fabulous sheltered perfectly square walled garden growing all manner of vegetables and salad- even in the midst of December.

The air is fresh crisp and clear.

As always I've walked loads.  I adore the safety and serenity of secure wooded estates like this and l relish its beauty and the silence.  It is so so good for the soul.

2.10pm lm sat back in the cafe called the Cow Barn Cafe and the seating areas are converted cow stalls, I've a gingerbread latte and tea cake, which smells divine. I had time to waste so sat gaming and crocheting. 

I've been in the shop- spent!!! Don't ask - always expensive but lovely bits nonetheless. Lovely country bits love the rustic fancy stuff even if it is expensive. 

It's a day out so why not.

And that ladies and gents is it for this year. Looking forward to visiting more places in 2025.

ME TOO- 11 years ago

 

People moan and have strong opinions about social media and how it affects people and life. But there is a part of it that I like, especially on Facebook and that's the Memories bit that pops up daily and gives you a snippet reminder of how things were last year to 14 years ago.

So today's snippet from 24 November 2013 - 11 years ago—reminds me about one of the last nights out I had in town. 

The memory reads- "bottle of wine in the Perkin and a whole chunk of yesterday disappeared from my memory forever ..... thanks to the foreign wankers for ruining my weekend"!!!

I was with two of my daughters and other known ladies, sensible ladies. We were in a local pub, which at the time had a small dance floor. It wasn't majorly busy, probably too early. I'd bought myself a bottle of rose wine, as I was skint, so that bottle was to last me the whole night. Only it didn't because a chunk of the night disappeared into oblivion.

We'd gone to dance briefly, came back to the table where drinks hadn't been left unattended as one of my daughters and a friend were still sat there.  

However previous to dancing one of the foreign guys had been chatting to us, he had another guy and a female with him, it became very obvious to me that the two sat behind him were talking in depth about us in their own language. I eventually mentioned to the chatty guy that his friends were talking about us in what appeared to me to be aggressively.  He said they weren't but l wasn't convinced. I didn't trust him.

Some of us went to dance. 

I returned annoyed by the actions of one of the other ladies, complained to my daughter, took a swig of my drink and got up to go to the loo........................................?????????????????

What happened after that l really do not know????????

I have very slight recollections of being carried out the pub by a female security guard and my youngest daughter.

I have slight recollections of kneeling on the concrete outside a local shop able to hear people talking about me, wanting to get off my knees as l'd a grazed knee from before going out.

I have slight recollections of paramedics talking saying l was pissed..................

I woke up fully clothed my hair pinned back , in my bed with one of my girls in my room.  They seeing l was awake and seemingly okay, then went home and left me alone to piece together what had happened to me.!!

I remember sitting in the corner of the sofa alone in my house not knowing what had happened, l didn't have a hang over, l think l cried from fear, shock .......i don't know!!??

I remember the next morning being Monday walking to work still not knowing what the hell had happened to me, my head numb, devoid of any memory.

My work colleague asked me how l was, had l had a good weekend, to which l burst into tears and told him what had happened.

When l met up with my girls again to recollect, one just assumed l was pissed. The other said they'd heard me shouting and screaming from the toilet cubicle had gotten in to find me. The one who thought l was pissed had run back to check our bags were still where we'd left them- they were but our foreign "friends" had vanished!!!

They also told me that my now son in law had taken me home in the car as he'd driven past when l was on the pavement....i have no recollection of that journey what so ever.

11 years on 24th Novemebr 2024 these are still the only memories l have of that night.  But I do remember it......

However since then l rarely drink, l have been pissed maybe once or twice since then. I have rarely gone out into town. The first time l returned to the Perkin on a night out l was petrified and was relieved when we left.  Going out into town in the dark fills me with dread, having a night out in that pub doesn't happen. 

I'm of an age now where drinking to excess really doesn't appeal to me anymore.  I have other issues which also prevent a night out in town but the main one is "that night".

Watching a recent documentary about drink spiking was quite triggering but it was also cathartic and good to hear its not just me who felt/ feels like l do.

Given its the run up to silly party season, people- ladies, girls be vigilant be safe  l don't want you to go through what l did, l don't want you to have to say ......Me Too!!!

VISIT TO STOURHEAD OCTOBER 2024

 Dear gentle readers- 😆can you tell I've been binge-watching Bridgerton?!  I'm not Lady Whistledown Just Julie from Somerset. 

I thought I'd introduce you to my travel blogs. I've written plenty over the years with the intention of sharing them.

Today is from my recent day trip to Stourhead. Hope you enjoy it.

7.30am Beautiful mystical misty sunrise opened up today. Set the mood and the scene.

Didnt take long to get here, however the heavens opened all the way here.  Having a now wet, dull day has made for an atmospheric visit. My first ever - an Autumn bucket list place to see.

The walk through the woods lined with very, very tall brightly coloured leaves is stunning.  The whole place is stunning.

It was the setting for Keira Knightleys version of Pride & Prejudice, a favorite film, of mine. I have a hankering to go home and watch it now.

The walk through the canopy of trees was just so tranquil, quiet, colourful, the musky aroma of damp leaves, the pop of red, orange amongst the dark green trees was just magical.

Talk about an endorphin/ dopamine hit. My mood elevated to maximum happiness and serenity. 

Might even go back in after lunch as the sun has appeared now and I've still got 3 hours to kill. Would love to sit and meditate under the canopy of trees, cocooned by their height. 

Love, love, love this place so much.

I didn't realise how knackered I was until I left the pub, The Spread Eagle, I had walked non stop for over 2 hours,  so I just walked up to the house instead.

Yes it is grand and well kept but certainly not a homely home. I couldn't see me and mine living there.  The "front garden" is a vast huge lush green field with far-reaching views and you can imagine the landed gentry in their period clothes parading about- just watch Pride & Prejudice to see how it was.

3.30pm - Sat now in another estate cafe having coffee awaiting 4.30-5pm home time. Crocheting to pass the time.

My fellow travel companion is a crafter from my old stomping ground of Reading.  Chat is one sided though.  Made the journey go quickly though, chatting.

My new thing on trips is to buy crystals, candles, incense sticks and of course a fridge magnet.  Today a pine scented candle decorated with pine leaves & twigs.

Coffee, crochet and quick loo stop before a quick jaunt to the estate farm shop for some wholesome goodies.  Then a perch on a wet log under an oak tree waiting to reboard the coach home.

Took a copious amount of photos, as l was in total awe of the whole place, a definite return visit will be had in the future.

4.20pm tired but fulfilled even being alone its been a great day.

A short read,  will add more  in the coming days.

SENSORY OVERLOAD OR RE-IGNITION

Took me, myself and l off for an impromptu day out to my favourite spiritual sacred place today - Chalice Well, Glastonbury.

Starting out standing in the overcast sunlight of Saturday morning awaiting the bus, looking at the array of Autumn colours appearing, delighting at seeing conkers for the first time this year, always an Autumnal delight.

Perched on a high seat towards the back of the bus, we rattled and wobbled our way through the Somerset countryside, always a delight to see. The levels not yet underwater from seasonal flooding, the patchwork of green fields, adorned by sheep, cows, bulls, calves, donkeys, jackdaws, magpies, buzzards and majestic goss hawks. The river and canals are lined in places with bullrushes and high grassy reeds. Chuck in the signature Somerset aroma of farmyard poo and you have the perfect countryside setting to re-ignite one's senses. I always admire the country cottages with tiny doors and many years of history, many wouldn't look out of place in a Snow White-type story. With their picket-edged rooves and leaded light windows. 

When you step off the bus into Glastonbury you're immediately met with another set of sensory delights, the sound of music, the sights and the smells just bring your heart alive and make you smile. Brightly dressed people mill about their business without a care in the world and without the judgement that so often arises in other places. Everyone here is happy, bright and joyful. The scent of sage, frankincense and a bit of cannabis wafts around as the signature perfume of this lovely town. I just love it.  The brightly painted shop fronts line the route to my favourite place, and famous murals beautifully, skilfully painted adorn many of the buildings too, a joy to see. 

Then you arrive after a short walk into The Chalice Well's sacred, tranquil garden which houses waterfalls, an array of flowers, trees, meadows, and a variety of benches scattered throughout for quiet contemplation, to meditate, sit and think, sit and listen, sit and see. 

Of course, no visit is complete without a paddle in King Arthurs's Healing Pool, where the water runs red and takes your breath away it's that cold and fresh. Once your feet are dry and tingling with warmth, l always head up the steps to the Lions Head fountain to collect a small bottle of iron-laden water, it is said to be drinkable, personally, l don't drink it but take it home to put on my altars. 

Past the Lions Head fountain walk up the cobbled path, pass the Angel seat shrouded in bushes to the infamous Well the most sacred part of the garden.  Step down to the wellhead which is currently adorned with Harvest/ Mabon seasonal fruits and flowers from the ceremony held last week. Take a seat on the wall or the steps and meditate. Taking in the absolute serenity and tranquil energy that oozes from the magic of the Well. Shutting out the muffled road noise to listen to the trees and birdsong which permeate the tranquillity.  Time stops here, worries stop here, visions appear- sometimes, peace comes, emotions come, happiness evolves and touches every fibre of your mind.  And when you leave you are filled with inner peace and calm and warmth.  Directly opposite the Well is the beautiful Mother & child statue which has caused some controversy this year. How you/ l view her is your own interpretation, she is whatever you perceive her to be a representation of. For me, she is the ultimate Mother & child statue she to me is not religious but is divine and sacred.  A lot of people are humbled by her and honour her- as l do.

The meadow area to the rear of this part of the garden gives lovely views up to the Tor and across the distant hills, I didn't venture up there today as after the recent heavy rains it's a tad slippery and muddy. I did go and sit under the cherry tree which was briefly the home of the Mother & Child statue, it has a blanket of sweet chestnut cases at the moment and a few well-used chairs for contemplation.

Down the cobbled stone stairs passed the Kings Arthurs pool back to the fabulous giant Yew trees which are currently home to families of squirrels.  Many people hug these trees and feel their energy. Today l just sat and watched Mumma Squirrel running back and forth with mouthfuls of materials for her family's hibernation home in the high trunk of one of the trees. Whilst she toiled back and forth her kitten babies played chase along the branches. In the neighbouring Yew tree, another squirrel family was also in residence. 

Then smiling to myself, l chatted to other garden visitors and walked down passed scent-filled herby shrubs to the Vesica pool where l sat and listened to the running water. Always a lovely calming sound isn't it, flowing water.

After leaving the tranquillity of the gardens l walked along the very noisy busy main road and around the corner to briefly visit The White Spring to collect a small bottle of calcium-laden water, it is drinkable but again l personally don't drink it. I do wash my face and anoint my heart with some.  Today l also stopped to chat to the guys selling spiritual wares buying a crystal and some jos sticks. 

With my senses buzzing I trekked off back into the town to buy more spiritual supplies, delighting once again in the sights, sounds and smells before travelling back home, enjoying the sights and scents of the Somerset countryside once again.

Senses well and truly overloaded or reignited......until next time.Thank you. 🙏

 

THE SAME YET SO DIFFERENT

Hi all, so the first week of term is back and done.

 New pupils, new staff, and new school years have started everywhere. Yet things feel so different.  I'm about to retire after 22 school years with my employer because mentally and physically l can't do the job anymore. I've listened to my body and it hurts a lot now from doing things I've done for many years. The stamina is lacking even if the mind says l can still do physical things.  

I feel mentally mixed -on one hand, l can not wait to no longer have to wake early with an alarm, wear the same drab dark clothes, and trek 30 mins in all weathers, light and dark mornings. Then on the other l will actually miss some of the morning treks seeing and being amongst nature as it changes seasons. I look forward to wearing my own bright clothes, and jewellery, waking naturally when I've had enough sleep, and taking my time to merge into the day with a proper non-rushed breakfast.  Planning my days and weeks activities, instead of the same 6 weekly routine. 

I feel guilty for leaving my work family, and my department colleagues whose lives I've been a part of for 15-16 years, some are actual friends now, confidantes, trusted guys- which for me is major.

 I mean the department will no longer be cleaned or set up like I've done it for the past years, l can 'read' the room and instantly know where things should be, where the boss man would like them to be. I am the font of department knowledge for the little things that keep it ticking over smoothly. I know when the staff members are looking for something or need to know things. l can assist pupils. l am a smiling helpful staff member, part of a team. 

That team is part of another team which functions within an even bigger one, which has in turn become its own unique community. 

Every school year I've been here things have been the same, yet different. Same routines, slightly modifying annually, yet new beginnings for staff and pupils alike. New lives blossom from the same learning facilities. Many learn and welcome new cultural differences too, all within the same structural buildings that have seen thousands of people come and go over hundreds of years. 

And now as l work my last weeks, my last term, my last school year doing the same things with the same people, things and feelings- my feelings are different. Mixed emotions because this 'institution' has been a part of me, and my family for so long. It has given me regular paid employment, which has provided for my family, and given us opportunities to travel, to see and experience things we never would have. It's employed 3 of my 4 now adult children. I've met and been privileged to have known and nurtured some now famous successful people. I've laughed, loved, sweated copiously, bled- a little and grown with this place. Because things were the same year on year but different.  Various world issues have also affected my time here as they did others- various medical issues sars, bird flu and of course COVID-19 when the whole world stopped. 911 when the whole world grieved. The passing of the Queen, Prince Phillip. the passing of my own Mum and family members when l grieved. Staff members have passed and the same community members pulled together to support each other. 

And things carry on the same, people get up, brush themselves off and carry on the same but different.