KARMA

 I've a lot to say, and as always, these are just my thoughts and ramblings not aimed at anyone in particular. Just me having a waffle.

They say Karma will come back and kick your butt at any time. Who "they" are is beyond me, one of life's mysteries!!

Back in 2022 when my Mum started going downhill, we as a family began getting calls for help. She lived an hour's drive away from us lot, and I don't drive, so I had to rely on others to help me help her.   I didn't have a great relationship with her and craved her love and acknowledgement always; even 3 years since she passed, I still look for validation from her. 

There were days when I ignored her Sunday 10am calls and would ring her later, claiming l'd been busy, but truth be told I wasn't in the mood to be told off or ranted at. And often calls would end with me feeling pissed off and upset because she didn't give me the mothering l'd needed at that time.  There were times as things progressively got worse where I'd wake to missed Careline calls telling me she'd had another fall. The arrangement had been set up that they would call and let me know, but would call out the local paramedic to attend to her, as I didn't have transport and could do nothing to help in the early hours when she lived so far away. And yes, I did feel guilty.  If I woke to messages to save my sanity and stress levels, which at the time were through the roof, I would acknowledge that there was a message but would get washed and dressed ready for work as normal, then listen to the message.  On the odd occasion when she was admitted to hospital l would rally the family to get us there to visit her, knowing actually she was in the right place and safe. And the hospital was even further away from where she lived.  Often, because of kids and work, we would only be able to visit at weekends, and between 2-3 of us would take turns to go over and visit. We were always in phone contact with health liaison people put in place to help in these situations. Eventually, the decision was made to move her into a home in our town so we could all be on hand locally to help and see her. 

During that year, and even before, when I'd avoided talking to her, etc l did feel guilty. And now, over 3 years on, close to her birthday, I've found myself in the situation where I'm ignored or avoided.  When l had my accident and had 4.5 days in hospital l lay in the clothes and underwear that I'd entered the hospital in on that Friday. I had no clean clothes; I had no hygiene washing bits with me ie flannel, toothbrush, etc. Same as some of the days Mum had arrived in hospital on the occasion when she'd had a serious fall. I like Mum had to lie and wait for others to come and visit and bring me the things I needed.  I had to wait for family to help bring me home. There was a slight provision for hospital transportation, but it was hard to liaise. But frankly, I wanted a bit of family love and support, not that of professionals. 

Even now I'm home, I've been reliant on others to put my rubbish out, to bring me bits of shopping, etc. I've messaged family for help and chat to be ignored or muted until they're ready to chat to me. As some one whose fiercely independent its frustrating. 

I do understand that people have their own families and lives, and I do not expect them to drop everything to help me immediately. However, with things like appointments and little jobs, maybe I  would just like their love and support; maybe I'm still craving that acceptance I didn't get from Mum.  Things have felt a little like this was my Mum's existence 3 years ago. But I am not my Mum. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you offer help to anyone when they need it, make sure it's genuinely given. Please don't say "just message me, just ask me" if you actually don't want to be on hand to help. I didn't plan this to be a burden to anyone; no one does. Having to ask for help is hard. Being vulnerable is hard mentally and physically. 

I genuinely feel like I've been put in this position as payback for how I was with my late Mum. And for that I am sorry. To everyone reading, please just think on those days you ignore the calls, bullshit to get out of helping, to avoid having to escort someone to an appointment, one day you may be in the same position. Maybe getting the free transport is a good idea, but also maybe the patient wants a bit of emotional, familiar love and support from those we know rather than a caring stranger.  

It is karma, and it does and will come back and kick your arse.