ANXIETY!! - ( contains mild swearing)

Why is anxiety such a bitch!!

I mean going to a health appointment which l knew would be uncomfortable causes no issues at all.  My first bus journey of the new year wasnt an issue either. Nor was standing awaiting the unreliable bus- which was actually on time and running!!  whilst watching the direction of the huge black rain cloud as well.

But getting out of the flat door- oh my gosh!! 

So fuelled with the knowledge that l had an appointment to go to, in my head I planned how l was going to get there.  Originally l decided to be good that l would walk down. Planned in my head the route and rough time it would take me. That night, sleep was a buggar, woke feeling like a coiled spring. Tense, annoyed. Didnt help that after getting up, dressed and ready, l then glanced at my desktop calendar and realised the appointment was the next day!!! What a plank !! 

With this realisation, immediately the annoyance and tense coiled spring relaxed into phew and what a plonker for not reading the letter properly.  Then the lovely people at the medical centre rang me to remind me of said appointment on the day it was meant to happen. Even they giggled when l said l had planned on trekking down a day earlier!!

Cut to day 2. Day of actual appointment. And yet again sleep happened but restlessly and annoyance crept back in. Tossing and turning most of the night. Annoyed at the cat who wanted to share my pillow space as he usually does. Then feeling guilty because i'd been mean to him - he's an old boy as well!!

Morning of the proper day of appointment. Most of which went smoothly.  Kept myself busy, conscious that l had to have an earlier lunch. Adrenaline kicked in, hobby l was doing had shaky hands. And the copious visits to the loo happened which is normal for me when l have anxiety bouts. But why??

I mean, when l get to where I'm excited or nervous to go to i'm fine. Once I'm out the door and en route to the designated transport pick up point, for day trips, when I'm on the bus, plane, whatever it is, I'm fine. I settle into my journey and all's good. 

But getting out the door!!! Nah- it's shit!!

I even have a book titled 'How to tell Anxiety to Sod Off by James Withey' don't even know if I've actually read it, judging by the condition of it, l haven't. Maybe that's the first thing to do after writing this!!

I piss myself off for being anxious!! But it just happens my body reacts. I know that the feelings of excitement and mild fear are the same. l know various coping skills which help. It's when I'm indoors in the safety of my secure bubble, which is home, that l have an issue. 

It's such a bitch!!