ANXIETY!! - ( contains mild swearing)

Why is anxiety such a bitch!!

I mean going to a health appointment which l knew would be uncomfortable causes no issues at all.  My first bus journey of the new year wasnt an issue either. Nor was standing awaiting the unreliable bus- which was actually on time and running!!  whilst watching the direction of the huge black rain cloud as well.

But getting out of the flat door- oh my gosh!! 

So fuelled with the knowledge that l had an appointment to go to, in my head I planned how l was going to get there.  Originally l decided to be good that l would walk down. Planned in my head the route and rough time it would take me. That night, sleep was a buggar, woke feeling like a coiled spring. Tense, annoyed. Didnt help that after getting up, dressed and ready, l then glanced at my desktop calendar and realised the appointment was the next day!!! What a plank !! 

With this realisation, immediately the annoyance and tense coiled spring relaxed into phew and what a plonker for not reading the letter properly.  Then the lovely people at the medical centre rang me to remind me of said appointment on the day it was meant to happen. Even they giggled when l said l had planned on trekking down a day earlier!!

Cut to day 2. Day of actual appointment. And yet again sleep happened but restlessly and annoyance crept back in. Tossing and turning most of the night. Annoyed at the cat who wanted to share my pillow space as he usually does. Then feeling guilty because i'd been mean to him - he's an old boy as well!!

Morning of the proper day of appointment. Most of which went smoothly.  Kept myself busy, conscious that l had to have an earlier lunch. Adrenaline kicked in, hobby l was doing had shaky hands. And the copious visits to the loo happened which is normal for me when l have anxiety bouts. But why??

I mean, when l get to where I'm excited or nervous to go to i'm fine. Once I'm out the door and en route to the designated transport pick up point, for day trips, when I'm on the bus, plane, whatever it is, I'm fine. I settle into my journey and all's good. 

But getting out the door!!! Nah- it's shit!!

I even have a book titled 'How to tell Anxiety to Sod Off by James Withey' don't even know if I've actually read it, judging by the condition of it, l haven't. Maybe that's the first thing to do after writing this!!

I piss myself off for being anxious!! But it just happens my body reacts. I know that the feelings of excitement and mild fear are the same. l know various coping skills which help. It's when I'm indoors in the safety of my secure bubble, which is home, that l have an issue. 

It's such a bitch!!

BRAIN DUMP BLOG

       Short and sweet little brain dump to kick start the new year.

Thoughts provoked by listening to Fearne Cottons Happy Place podcast, l love to listen whilst crafting.

My past life - teenage years spent alone in my room, where we lived above butchers shops, 2 in particular. Ive realised have shaped my life now. I spent alone time because we had no front door as such so spent hours amusing myself, listening to music- cassettes and vinyl records back then and doing art. Sitting around doing nothing was not an option. Keeping myself busy trained me for my retired life now.  Today is the 3rd January 2026 and l havent physically engaged in conversation with a actual human since Christmas evening, apart from the odd politeness from fleeting delivery people as they race down the stairs having dumped delveries at the door step, having played a game of chicken/ knock down ginger - the game we played as kids where you knock some ones door and leg it before they anwser!! 

Todays delivery people do the same!!

I was brought up in a world where the era was about control by our parents- what we wore, what we ate, how we lived, what jobs and lives we would have, what options we were to do in school.  

These days there is huge freedom and choice and people and children can say no, i dont want, l dont like- they're allowed an opinion and are allowed to voice it, rightly or wrongly.

Whereas we had to put up and shut up to keep the peace. 

Being our authentic selves was not an option.

Its interesting to look back in hindsight and see how l lived back then - ( back in my day!!) is how lm now living today in my flat.

Alone in my flat but today l can and do make my own choices about everything- because l can.