In the same week l lost an Aunt, the end of the family line on Dads side. Made for an emotional over haul. I take comfort in that she died 2 weeks after her 90th birthday, 2 weeks before what would've been her brothers 95th birthday & a day before their birth mothers own death anniversary. So in my head they've all come back together. Can i say that i think it was a happy release from the big C & from a life that wasnt overly happy in the beginning. I hope that she's found peace & happiness now that she's back with those she loved.
As for the other subject- the impending funeral plans!! Whilst part of me thinks its an awful thing to have to discuss, actually planning & organising such event before it happens can have its own comforts. When in the future the event happens it will already be organised & in place ...on paper at least. I, as nominated organiser will be the one who has to put it in place. Quite a burden really, some parts ive suggested havent gone down well with some members of the family, like being interred with Dad rather than being thrown/ scattered into the sea. "i" didnt want Dad being left alone in his unmarked grave in a tiny village cemetery. Mum didnt want to go there she wanted to be thrown to sea as she says no one will visit afterwards. I had no say in Dads passing decisions so ive had my say now. Ive never agreed that an unmarked grave plot was acceptable. And im not going to feel guilty for having my thoughts.
I have been though....
Its all such a weird thing to be discussing & planning. Stickers will mark things in the house that i would like to keep after the "event". Others can choose if not stickered what they would like as a memento. Things purchased by my brother will go to him obviously!! Whilst i "will get whatevers left"!! thanks for that.
Yet again words that hurt me. Am i surprised...i shouldnt be. Is she even aware that over the 59 years of my life, during my upbringing that things said have cut me to the core. Whether they were said in a mothers anger or just said in conversation, somethings were said that have stuck & cant be unsaid or forgotten....not by me anyway.
How those words have made me feel & react is a constant battle with my inner me. And ive strived to be a better unhurtful mother to my own 4, probably hasnt always been the case. And im sure they'll say ive said things just as hurtful.....however if i have Im am truly sorry.
Writing on here is meant to clear the brain fog that has been this weeks issue, i feel numb, emotional, in turmoil, low. I need to push through it back to the positive exercising body i was over a week ago. Abit of sun & natural positivity would help. Instead there is warm, grey nothingness outside my window. I have become the owner of 3 double CDs full of calming, relaxing, tunes to help soothe the mind & soul...i need to be listening to them for the rest of the weekend.
Watching too, programmes about people who live a lone on the Artic Circle in sub zero temperatures where there are no shops & convenience, where hunting their food is their prime way of living & surviving. Where their whole existent & daily live revolves around maintaining & surviving their severe surroundings. Whilst calm & quiet it is an extremely harsh way of life. Yet they do it & love it. I just need to maintain the secure life l have, where there are shops, readily available food & stuff.
And then its happened- the sun is pushing through the grey, mundane sky clearing the fog.......
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