So a year ago, l left work for the last time ever. Not a job l loved in particular, you either work to live or live to work in my opinion. I worked to be able to live, to pay bills like everyone else. To put food on the table, provide for my children. But then I became down hearted, whilst I liked the people I dealt with every day, they were more than colleagues, some of them anyway. The work was at times therapeutic and at times rewarding- Making good a workshop with back breaking graft, seeing the end results was rewarding, a sense of achievement. It didn't always go unnoticed. But after 22 years of grafting for many years, 6 days a week. To then being treated, or made to feel like l didn't matter had a huge impact on me. I was fortunate to be in a position to be able to say that's enough. I am worth it and l do matter. So l left.
In the year that's passed ive travelled to many, many places, met many new people, found my happy places by the sea or in the safety of woods/forests with in stately home parks. Being able to wander aimlessly amongst huge, tall trees, even in the rain, is beautiful. It is calming and very, very good for the soul. It's something lve relished.
October is a month of family birthdays with significance, my Grandmother Minnie was born 3 Oct 1887, my late Mum and her twin arrived 13 October 1927, followed by my firstborn baby/ daughter 23 October 1982, and add in a granddaughter too on 17th October. All strong women. The other significant date for me is 28 October 1991, when we lost the only man I've ever been able to trust, who loved me for me, my gentle loving Dad. Missed so much.
I find myself, as many others do, reflecting on what ifs, good times, sad times many memories. I m glad Dad got to walk me down the aisle he was so nervous and proud. He made me feel special.. I'm glad he got to become a loving Grandad, a loving Uncle to my cousins. I wish I'd spent more time talking to him, asking about his life before "us". Sadly, we dont do this until its too late, even then it doesn't always happen because we're too busy with life stuff going on. That's why l write. Because if l never get to chat with my Grandbabies about stuff and life, before they will still be able to read what l wanted to say.
October 23rd 1982, 2.12am, l became a Mother, Mum and l remember looking down at this little bundle, thinking oh wow im responsible for her for the rest of her life, for the whole of her life. How things change.
Forty-three years on and coerced by others, life events, and incidents my heart yearns for that day to return so l could right wrongs. We've had no physical contact for 2 years, not since Mum passed and inheritance objects were collected. Despite only living a stone's throw away. I had to let go of that little bundle, I had to let her live her life her way, I had to let her be coerced, miss out on so much family stuff, so many family events, incidents. She's an adult who has been for 20+ years, but still in my heart she remains that little bundle, she's still my daughter, my firstborn. And it hurts a lot. It breaks my heart that we can't celebrate her special day like l do all the other family birthdays, and there are a lot of them now. I even still celebrate Mum's birthday with flowers - white roses light her candle and remember.
So this year, forgive me for wallowing if you like, I write and say l dont like October. The once 8th month of the year, where seasons change, weather changes, clocks change, nights become darker earlier, the cosy stop indoors days happen. Animals hibernate, hunker down for the Winter, and trees shed their multi coloured leaves, ready to rest and rejuvenate.
It has a lot going for it in October, but for me, it's the Worst month of the year.
